Hope Road

Giving Your Heart Away

It’s long… you’ve been forewarned. :) 

I’ve really enjoyed reading all the comments and discussion in response to my last entry, “Question for Singles.” It gave me a lot of food for thought, and encouragement as well. Out of all the issues discussed, one surfaced that I think merits further discussion. It is the concept of “giving your heart away.”

Let me explain this as best as I can understand it. This is a concept that I have been familiar with since high school, and I have gone from embracing it wholeheartedly to questioning it. The idea is that with each dating/courting relationship, and even each crush, that you allow yourself to become involved with, you are giving a piece of your heart away to that person. The danger is that you will, metaphorically speaking of course, give so many pieces of your heart away that when you finally get married you will have nothing left for your spouse. And this, we are told, is the reason we should exercise discernment and caution in dating relationships.

Now, I agree with certain aspects of this theory:

1. Discernment and caution are extremely important in dating relationships.
2. It is possible to connect physically and/or emotionally with someone in a way that can leave scars and regrets.
3. Being involved in too many serious relationships is a bad idea.
4. Each person you become emotionally involved with will leave his or her mark on your heart.
5. Many dating relationships today are characterized by emotional intimacy that is too much, too soon.

So on the surface, this idea does seem to have merit, and I think the intention behind it is good and solid. But these are the two problems I have with it:

1. This kind of approach seems to demand “a perfect score” in dating - that you should only become emotionally attached to one person, your future spouse. It can place guilt on a failed relationship that may have failed for all the right reasons - because two godly people decided that they could not honor God well in that relationship. It places pressure on people to wait for someone perfect, and perhaps even to stay in a wrong relationship because they are so afraid of failing. It places blame on non-sinful emotional connections. This is just not realistic in so many ways. Emotional purity does not necessarily mean that your emotions are a blank slate and that you have never loved (in a romantic sense).
2. This kind of approach can deemphasize the power of the gospel - yes, you read that right. First, a disclaimer: I am not saying that everyone who believes in the “pieces of your heart” theory is trying to downplay the power of the gospel. I just think that this theory tends in a harmful direction. I first heard this concept addressed by Lauren Winner, and since then I have come to fully agree with her. Why do we behave as though this area of life is the only one that Jesus can’t restore and renew? Why do we say that the heart will be forever scarred and broken if we give pieces away before we’re ready? Jesus is the mender of broken hearts. That is why He came. If we say that you’re giving pieces of your heart away to everyone you date, we’re saying that you’re doing permanent damage, that Jesus is not powerful enough to make all things new again. And as Lauren Winner said, we’re afraid of saying anything else because we don’t want people to think, “Oh, well, Jesus will forgive me. I can date as many people as I want with no repercussions.” But that’s not what the gospel is about, is it? It’s not a license to live without discernment and wisdom - it’s freely offered grace, in this area of life as in every other.

In conclusion, I think that dating relationships should always be approached with caution, prayer, and wisdom - but not with fear and anxiety about making a mistake and scarring your heart irreparably.

If you’ve made it this far (or even if not :), thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts, and I would honestly love to hear your responses. Please let me know if I’ve explained something wrong or if I’m interpreting things wrong. Thanks to each and every one of you who commented and raised the issues last time. More debate is welcomed!

Tags: crushes, emotional purity, relationships, the gospel