Where I’ve Been

I’ve been here, with my growing babies. Everything is good.

A couple months ago I pulled back from blogging because I felt a need for more privacy. I’ve processed so much of my coming-of-age journey online. And I question how to let my heart pour out in words through my fingertips… without sharing indiscriminately with the world, with anyone who reads.

But I think it’s time to open up a little, for now.

Having Eliza changed me. A few weeks after she was born I turned 25. And suddenly I felt like I had arrived. I was midway through my twenties and had two kids. Life seemed shorter.

I don’t have time to waste. There is only one chance to know and love the Lord, to live and share Christ’s love every day. My life is passing. Our lives are all passing.

When my baby girl was born, something else changed. I somehow gained the courage to try new things. It’s as if the colors around me sharpened a little. I stopped thinking about trying things and now I do them. I feel more equipped and confident. I don’t know where it came from but I’m thankful for it.

The last change has been more of a struggle. Now that I have a husband and children, I feel that I have so much to lose. My heart aches at the bare thought. We are all so frail. Sickness, accidents, disasters, or sin can wipe out everything I hold dear in seconds. I do not hold my life. Or my happiness. Or my marriage. Or my children. Nothing I can do guarantees an outcome I will like.

And on a daily basis, I feel as though I’m squeezed into a tight little box because my children require such constant and close supervision. Everything requires strategic planning because merely leaving the room for 5 seconds could result in a bite or push and a crying baby. Planning to get even the most simple things done (like making supper) makes me anxious because I feel that I will be hindered. Forget any out-of-the-ordinary tasks, especially those with time constraints.

So my anxiety has been a bit off the charts since Eliza’s been born.

When 2012 began I didn’t pick a word of the year. But the one that has kept coming back to me is trust. And I know that’s because I desperately need to learn what that means, along with a deeper understanding of prayer. God has blessed me mightily through His Word in this season, but I feel that there is so much depth to prayer and I need discipline to plumb those depths.

So that is a little glimpse into my life lately. Or I suppose a long glimpse. How are you?

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The Heart, Grace, and Doctrine

“The doctrine of election is one thing, but to know that God has predestinated you, and to have the fruit of it in the good works to which you are ordained, is quite another thing. To talk about the love of Christ, to talk about the heaven that is provided for his people, and such things—all this is very well; but this may be done without any personal acquaintance with them. Therefore, beloved, never be satisfied with a sound creed, but desire to have it graven on the tablets of your heart. The doctrines of grace are good, but the grace of the doctrines is better still. See that you have it, and be not content with the idea that you are instructed until you so understand the doctrine that you have felt its spiritual power.”

- Charles Spurgeon (How to Read the Bible)

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Feeling Guilty as a Mom

I’ve struggled with “mom guilt” every day since Eliza was born.

Guilt is not a bad thing, when it’s conviction. I want the Spirit to convict my heart of sin, so I can repent of it and seek Christ for forgiveness and help to obey.

So many times, I’ve read secular websites geared toward moms, and they’re quick to assure you not to feel guilty because you fail as a mom.

On the contrary, as a Christian mother I want to have high standards and ideals. I want to be hard on myself. I want to lay down my life, be the hands and feet of Jesus to my little ones, teach them, train them, play with them, read to them, invest in them selflessly and creatively and constantly.

That’s my ideal. And my calling as a child of God who also happens to be a mother. It’s nothing unusual for a Christian, just the way self-denial and servanthood should play out in my particular role.

But another kind of insidious “guilt” creeps in, masquerading as conviction. I think it can be a form of idolatry though.

You see, I start to think thoughts of fear. What if I become terminally ill? What if one of my children dies? What kind of regrets will I have? Will I regret doing the dishes instead of playing with them? Will I wish I hadn’t been so relieved when it was bedtime? Will I feel like I failed them as a mother?

These fears lead to a pervasive feeling of guilt following me through my days. I know my children are more important than my work. But common sense tells me that for a home to function, it’s necessary for me to do basic work like laundry and dishes, which means that I can’t give 100% of my attention to my children at all times.

Even though I spend tons of time with them, I have this constant fear that I’m not enjoying them enough or doing enough. That I’m not fun enough. I wish I could stop being so tired so I could enjoy them more. I feel guilty for counting down the hours till naptime.

I’ve been really trying to sort this out in my head and heart lately. What is the difference between serving Jesus by pouring out my life for my children, and a constant nagging worry that I’m not being enough?

I think it comes down to a) accepting my finitude, and b) not idolizing my children. Or to combine the two points, God has given me a finite amount of ability and energy, and a limited amount of time with my children, and He wants me to trust Him with that.

I am not perfect. I am not the source of light and life and salvation. I am not inherently righteous. I am not the way to God. I am not the Savior of the world. Jesus is all of those things. When I fail as a mother, He covers my sin with His grace. And in humility I must accept that I am a finite, fallen creature, with a limited time on this earth, and children who are finite as well. I must not seize onto each moment with trembling hands, afraid that it will be taken away if I don’t squeeze all the sweetness out of it.

I must open my hands. I know I must leave my sin and self behind to walk in life with Jesus my Savior. May I never tell myself that it’s okay to lower my standards as a mom. But may I not seek to hold onto my children as if they are mine to keep. May I lean on Christ for strength and grace, knowing that in myself I can never be what my children need in a mother.

Tomorrow I can live in joy with my children, not because I’m such a great mom, or because I perfectly cherish every moment, but because they are gifts from the Giver of all good things, and because He is my life.

Sleep (or the lack thereof) and books.

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I’m writing from the comfort of my living room couch, where a sweet baby (who just woke up from her second brief catnap of the day) is smiling at me from her glider. Normally I wouldn’t be blogging while she’s awake, but since there are very few waking hours in the day when she and her older brother are asleep simultaneously, I allow myself to be distracted sometimes if she seems content (and I’m hoping she’ll fall back asleep).

My little 12-hour-a-night sleeper has definitely regressed. I knew it would happen. She wakes up after she goes to bed, she wakes up in the middle of the night, she wakes up early in the morning. Thus, I’m actually more tired now than I was when she was a few weeks old.

Plus there’s the cumulative effect of sleep deprivation, the sense of isolation, the cramped and anxious feeling of not having guaranteed alone time to recharge, and this recent struggle to just barely keep ahead of depression, as if it’s a dog nipping at my heels.

I read a blog post the other day about trying to write while sleep deprived, and the author compared it to driving through fog. That phrase brought to mind vivid reminiscences of our trip to Ohio, which included a scary, middle-of-the-night trek over foggy, curving mountain highways, barely able to see ahead to the next bend.

I told A.J. yesterday that’s how I’ve felt for the past couple of weeks. Through the haze of sleep deprivation and taking care of endless needs, it’s as if I can barely see what’s ahead. I certainly can’t see any practical relief in the near future. I just do what’s there. What’s right in front of me. Over and over again.

God leads me to cry out to Him in times like these. Often that’s after my terrible, selfish attitude is revealed. Clearly I think I have a right to an easy life. And that’s the exact opposite of what His Word tells me.

Not only do my “trials” stem from great blessings (a husband, children, health, a home, the option of not working), but they are so, so small compared to what I might be facing. It’s not a cliché to say that – it’s the truth, and in considering my trials joy, I have to also remember that they are small – that God wants to show me His faithfulness and sufficiency in these little but relentless steps of dying to myself every day.

Meanwhile, I’ve managed to cram in some reading during my almost nonexistent free time. A $5 book light has helped a lot, so I can read before I go to sleep (since Eliza still sleeps in our room). Here are my most recent reads:

Daughter of China, C. Hope Flinchbaugh [reread] *****

This small novel is a glimpse into China’s persecuted church. Mei Lin is a teenage Christian who ends up imprisoned for her faith. Although I would’ve enjoyed more glimpses into the characters’ inner lives rather than just a recounting of events, the story is still a moving and seemingly honest portrayal of believers in a restricted nation. I love the way the believers treasure copies of Scripture and their time of fellowship together. Daughter of China has far more worthwhile content than many other Christian novels.

The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker ***

Based on Amy’s summary of de Becker’s book Protecting the Gift, I picked up this book about violence, intuition, and the role fear plays in self-protection. I enjoyed the first part of the book, which discusses how intuition works, and gives indicators of behavior that may lead to a crime. I appreciated de Becker’s explanation that most violence is not random or without warning, and that worry can be a signal of intuition but is often simply an unproductive choice – while fear is a legitimate, involuntary, and useful response to an actual risk. However, because of the disturbing real-life examples used and a couple instances of strong language, I wouldn’t recommend The Gift of Fear.

Remembering You, Tricia Goyer (unfinished)

I found this book in the library’s new release section and read the first five chapters hoping it would be an interesting glimpse into World War II history through a contemporary lens. But I just couldn’t get past the tame romance novel feel, with phrases like, “He… glanced at her with those sexy, dark eyes,” and, “He forced a small smile, but it was still beautiful to her. More beautiful than the Paris skyline beyond.” (I have, though, enjoyed some of Tricia Goyer’s historical novels, like Arms of Deliverance and Dawn of a Thousand Nights.)

That’s all for now… I hope you have a great weekend.

This Is My Esther Moment

Just now, in her post, I read the words: “This is our Esther moment.”

“For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14)

I can’t see what God may be doing in each circumstance I encounter. I’m often tempted to choose the easy way out instead of walking the hard road of obedience – kindness, sacrifice, patience, and selflessness.

Esther chose to risk her life. She defied fear and walked into the presence of the most powerful person she knew, because God had sent her for that very purpose.

I don’t want to miss my moments. I don’t want fear to stop me from obedience, from laying my life down for others. I am called to die to myself daily.

And who knows if I have not been called for such a time as this?

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Not the Place I Wanted to Be

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39 weeks today.

How do I find the humor… the joy… in my state of mind right now? I want this to be a good time, a perfect time. I want to be so overwhelmingly thankful for my baby to come, and her health so far, and the gifts I’ve been given that I can’t even think of complaining. I want to happily nest and have it together and have my to-do list completely checked off.

But today is just not that day.

I have really lapsed in spiritual disciplines for awhile now. And last week I felt that God had given me desire back. The desire for Him… joy in Him. It mostly came through music. Listening to Pandora all day brought many songs to mind that I’d forgotten, songs that move me and make me yearn after my Savior.

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And then one day I noticed I let certain thoughts creep in, sinful thoughts in a particular area, and suddenly my spiritual thoughts seemed to fade away. Then the next day I let my guard down and was cranky and irritable with A.J. Instead of reading Scripture, I chose to waste time online.

The pain that has returned has kept me from exercising and made every small task an aching difficulty. I dread changing a diaper, walking across the room, sweeping the floor. Time has been going so slowly that I keep praying and praying for real contractions so this will be over.

Last night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up tired again and start another long day. So I stayed up much too late. Then I checked on a feverish baby and rocked him back to sleep. And this morning I just felt done. Like getting dressed and washing dishes were the accomplishment of the day. Yesterday’s to-do list is still waiting for me in a tidy little post-it note on my computer screen.

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Christian’s been napping since noon and I haven’t slept. I’ve just laid here reading about giving birth and thinking about giving birth and not sure what I even want right now… alternating between self-pity and guilt for feeling this way when I’m so blessed.

I hate when I make bad (sinful) decisions and face the consequences later. Lack of discipline leads to an out-of-control spiral so quickly. Lack of discipline does not make a difficult situation any easier to deal with. It’s really just turning to a coping mechanism as a crutch (in my case, staying up late and not using time well) instead of relying on the Lord for strength.

So then I get to this point, where I feel utterly discouraged, and I know I can’t just turn the day around with the snap of a finger.

What is the answer then? It’s my Savior, knowing I need Him and I’m just as needy today as I was last week and last year and ten years ago. It’s knowing He shed His blood to cover my sin, and it’s knowing this:

"It is a consoling thought that Christ is praying for us, even when we are negligent in our prayer life; that He is presenting to the Father those spiritual needs which were not present to our minds and which we often neglect to include in our prayers; and that He prays for our protection against the dangers of which we are not even conscious, and against the enemies which threaten us, though we do not notice it. He is praying that our faith may not cease, and that we may come out victoriously in the end."
Louis Berkhof, Systematic Theology, p.403.

"If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me."
Robert Murray M’Cheyne, Robert Murray M’Cheyne p.179.

HT: Girl Talk

Serenity and Chaos

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So much of life is learning to surrender.

It’s learning that I’m not Superwoman.

Yesterday I read the latest post at Passionate Homemaking. Lindsey mentioned two memorable comments from other moms: “Someone’s always crying” and “I’ve come to realize that I will always be tired.”

Neither of these comments were made in a negative or complaining way, but as Lindsey said, “in an embracing way.” This is how it is.

I get so irritable when Christian’s upset for no reason, or I’m really tired, or the house is messy but I don’t feel up to cleaning it.

Life isn’t about those things. It’s about loving the Lord and those around me. Right now, it’s about loving my family and trusting that God will take care of the details, even if they feel out of control… especially if they feel out of control.

I have so many gifts! Will I choose to see them, or grumble like the Israelites? Sometimes when I complain I’m fearfully convicted of my hardness of heart. It’s an evil thing to be discontent.

His grace is sufficient…

I Want to Be Like Her

In my imagination, I lived in India and China and Africa growing up. Reading biographies of faithful women impacted my heart. I still resonate with their stories today, even more in some senses.

Amy Carmichael

Gladys Aylward

Corrie ten Boom

Ann Judson

Elisabeth Elliot

Susannah Spurgeon

Sarah Edwards

Who are some of your favorite Christian women to read about?

A People-Pleaser Gets Married

I’ve had a couple conversations recently about being a “people-pleaser.”

I’m not a pleaser in the sense that I will do anything to make anyone happy. I am a pleaser in the sense that I am often overly focused on what certain people think of me.

This is a very common problem from what I hear. At root it’s a sin problem – fearing man instead of God.

I don’t think it’s wrong to desire the good opinion of others, especially of those we love. But it’s wrong to idolize that desire, to worry and sin when we’re not receiving affirmation.

Before I was married, I often avoided being around guys because I was so self-conscious and worried about how they perceived me. I saw myself as unattractive and in the way.

Since getting married, I desire my husband’s good opinion more than anyone else’s. I want him to be happy with me. There are many other people whose approval I want, but ultimately if A.J. is happy with me it doesn’t matter who else is or isn’t.

These feelings can be valid but I quickly carry them too far! Two sinners living together are going to provoke each other occasionally. But I can’t relax when everything isn’t perfectly smooth. I overanalyze. I try to control situations and prevent them from going downhill.

Seeking to live in love and at peace is one thing, but seeking to please and pacify people and manipulate circumstances is another. I have enough to do learning to treat others with love… I can’t control their responses or ensure that they will never be upset or irritated at me.

In the context of marriage, one of the biggest lessons I’m learning is to rest in God’s love for me through all the little ups and downs. If I expect a marriage of flawless peace that makes me feel constantly affirmed and secure, I’ll constantly be disappointed and unsettled. I’m learning what it means to seek real, solid peace in God’s real, constant love instead of finding my primary security in another human being.

Sometimes this is even harder because 9 times out of 10 I do feel affirmed and secure in my marriage, and I have to learn to balance my emotions and not put joy in a person and relationship instead of in God.

How does people pleasing show up in your life/marriage and what have you learned about it? I’d love to hear.

What Perfection REALLY Is

Do you ever feel out of control in a particular area of life?

I’ve been struggling with that feeling in my home.

The dishes get washed, the laundry gets folded, meals are planned and prepared, and the bed is made. But you know the drill – what about moving beyond the basics? What about projects and decluttering? Anyone relate?

A few factors contribute to my being overwhelmed:

• an active 15-month-old
• a recurrent health issue (written about here)
• oh, and a little thing called pregnancy .

I’m Anna, and I’m a perfectionist.

What bothers me most isn’t the sickness – it’s my lack of perfection. I desire to have a perfectly tidy, decluttered home. And I turn that desire into an idol when I am anxious about how I will get everything done, or envious as I read Facebook and blogs about others who are making their homes beautiful.

Laziness is different. I know when I’m being lazy. But the discouragement that’s been following me is that I want to do so much, yet my health right now prevents me from being a perfectionist.

Cleanliness is good. Productivity is good. But I am human. I have God-given limitations. If God sends me an illness, that might mean I can’t do everything I want to.

What’s worth crying about?

I’m glad I was led to read the post Teach Your Daughters Wailing this week. It reminded me that the very problem of having too much stuff and not enough space is unknown to millions. While I’m having a pity party because I feel overwhelmed, people are grieving the loss of a loved one; Haitian women are being victimized*;  poverty kills 24,000 children a day; and 340 million people do not have a Bible translation in their language.

In that post, author Ann Dunagan wrote:

“Our family doesn’t care for crying around the house — unless we have something to really cry about. The other day, our competitive 10-year-old started whining-and-crying about losing a game of Monopoly, which resulted in an instant lecture from me about how crying is for real-stuff — like when someone is dying, or a kid is starving, or when we need to repent.”

Long before my to-do list…

This past Sunday, our pastor preached an encouraging Mother’s Day message. (If you would like the link, feel free to email me.) One point struck me the most: before I focus on my to-do list, I need to focus on what Christ has already done on my behalf!

If I think my #1 problem is clutter
and my solution is productivity…
I’m forgetting that my real problem is sin
and my solution is my Savior and his death on the cross!

In another recent message, our pastor reminded us that God does not just wipe our slate clean because of Christ’s death – but He applies Christ’s righteousness to us, so every day we can rest in the ongoing perfection of who we are in Jesus. As we strive to obey Him, we must know it is not our obedience that makes us worthy in His sight. Instead of living in guilt, we can be free! Not living in slavery! Not bound by rules and to-do lists… but knowing that Jesus has done it all!

Freedom

Isn’t that the most amazing truth? I know that some of you are dealing with illness or injuries, some very serious. What is it like for you to lay down the idea of control and find freedom in the gospel?

*not for young readers
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