Mothering Stories of My Life The Written Word Walking with the Lord: 2012 reads 7 comments
Sleep (or the lack thereof) and books.
I’m writing from the comfort of my living room couch, where a sweet baby (who just woke up from her second brief catnap of the day) is smiling at me from her glider. Normally I wouldn’t be blogging while she’s awake, but since there are very few waking hours in the day when she and her older brother are asleep simultaneously, I allow myself to be distracted sometimes if she seems content (and I’m hoping she’ll fall back asleep).
My little 12-hour-a-night sleeper has definitely regressed. I knew it would happen. She wakes up after she goes to bed, she wakes up in the middle of the night, she wakes up early in the morning. Thus, I’m actually more tired now than I was when she was a few weeks old.
Plus there’s the cumulative effect of sleep deprivation, the sense of isolation, the cramped and anxious feeling of not having guaranteed alone time to recharge, and this recent struggle to just barely keep ahead of depression, as if it’s a dog nipping at my heels.
I read a blog post the other day about trying to write while sleep deprived, and the author compared it to driving through fog. That phrase brought to mind vivid reminiscences of our trip to Ohio, which included a scary, middle-of-the-night trek over foggy, curving mountain highways, barely able to see ahead to the next bend.
I told A.J. yesterday that’s how I’ve felt for the past couple of weeks. Through the haze of sleep deprivation and taking care of endless needs, it’s as if I can barely see what’s ahead. I certainly can’t see any practical relief in the near future. I just do what’s there. What’s right in front of me. Over and over again.
God leads me to cry out to Him in times like these. Often that’s after my terrible, selfish attitude is revealed. Clearly I think I have a right to an easy life. And that’s the exact opposite of what His Word tells me.
Not only do my “trials” stem from great blessings (a husband, children, health, a home, the option of not working), but they are so, so small compared to what I might be facing. It’s not a cliché to say that – it’s the truth, and in considering my trials joy, I have to also remember that they are small – that God wants to show me His faithfulness and sufficiency in these little but relentless steps of dying to myself every day.
Meanwhile, I’ve managed to cram in some reading during my almost nonexistent free time. A $5 book light has helped a lot, so I can read before I go to sleep (since Eliza still sleeps in our room). Here are my most recent reads:
Daughter of China, C. Hope Flinchbaugh [reread] *****
This small novel is a glimpse into China’s persecuted church. Mei Lin is a teenage Christian who ends up imprisoned for her faith. Although I would’ve enjoyed more glimpses into the characters’ inner lives rather than just a recounting of events, the story is still a moving and seemingly honest portrayal of believers in a restricted nation. I love the way the believers treasure copies of Scripture and their time of fellowship together. Daughter of China has far more worthwhile content than many other Christian novels.
The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker ***
Based on Amy’s summary of de Becker’s book Protecting the Gift, I picked up this book about violence, intuition, and the role fear plays in self-protection. I enjoyed the first part of the book, which discusses how intuition works, and gives indicators of behavior that may lead to a crime. I appreciated de Becker’s explanation that most violence is not random or without warning, and that worry can be a signal of intuition but is often simply an unproductive choice – while fear is a legitimate, involuntary, and useful response to an actual risk. However, because of the disturbing real-life examples used and a couple instances of strong language, I wouldn’t recommend The Gift of Fear.
Remembering You, Tricia Goyer (unfinished)
I found this book in the library’s new release section and read the first five chapters hoping it would be an interesting glimpse into World War II history through a contemporary lens. But I just couldn’t get past the tame romance novel feel, with phrases like, “He… glanced at her with those sexy, dark eyes,” and, “He forced a small smile, but it was still beautiful to her. More beautiful than the Paris skyline beyond.” (I have, though, enjoyed some of Tricia Goyer’s historical novels, like Arms of Deliverance and Dawn of a Thousand Nights.)
That’s all for now… I hope you have a great weekend.
This Is My Esther Moment
Just now, in her post, I read the words: “This is our Esther moment.”
“For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14)
I can’t see what God may be doing in each circumstance I encounter. I’m often tempted to choose the easy way out instead of walking the hard road of obedience – kindness, sacrifice, patience, and selflessness.
Esther chose to risk her life. She defied fear and walked into the presence of the most powerful person she knew, because God had sent her for that very purpose.
I don’t want to miss my moments. I don’t want fear to stop me from obedience, from laying my life down for others. I am called to die to myself daily.
And who knows if I have not been called for such a time as this?
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Not the Place I Wanted to Be
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39 weeks today.
How do I find the humor… the joy… in my state of mind right now? I want this to be a good time, a perfect time. I want to be so overwhelmingly thankful for my baby to come, and her health so far, and the gifts I’ve been given that I can’t even think of complaining. I want to happily nest and have it together and have my to-do list completely checked off.
But today is just not that day.
I have really lapsed in spiritual disciplines for awhile now. And last week I felt that God had given me desire back. The desire for Him… joy in Him. It mostly came through music. Listening to Pandora all day brought many songs to mind that I’d forgotten, songs that move me and make me yearn after my Savior.
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And then one day I noticed I let certain thoughts creep in, sinful thoughts in a particular area, and suddenly my spiritual thoughts seemed to fade away. Then the next day I let my guard down and was cranky and irritable with A.J. Instead of reading Scripture, I chose to waste time online.
The pain that has returned has kept me from exercising and made every small task an aching difficulty. I dread changing a diaper, walking across the room, sweeping the floor. Time has been going so slowly that I keep praying and praying for real contractions so this will be over.
Last night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up tired again and start another long day. So I stayed up much too late. Then I checked on a feverish baby and rocked him back to sleep. And this morning I just felt done. Like getting dressed and washing dishes were the accomplishment of the day. Yesterday’s to-do list is still waiting for me in a tidy little post-it note on my computer screen.
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Christian’s been napping since noon and I haven’t slept. I’ve just laid here reading about giving birth and thinking about giving birth and not sure what I even want right now… alternating between self-pity and guilt for feeling this way when I’m so blessed.
I hate when I make bad (sinful) decisions and face the consequences later. Lack of discipline leads to an out-of-control spiral so quickly. Lack of discipline does not make a difficult situation any easier to deal with. It’s really just turning to a coping mechanism as a crutch (in my case, staying up late and not using time well) instead of relying on the Lord for strength.
So then I get to this point, where I feel utterly discouraged, and I know I can’t just turn the day around with the snap of a finger.
What is the answer then? It’s my Savior, knowing I need Him and I’m just as needy today as I was last week and last year and ten years ago. It’s knowing He shed His blood to cover my sin, and it’s knowing this:
"It is a consoling thought that Christ is praying for us, even when we are negligent in our prayer life; that He is presenting to the Father those spiritual needs which were not present to our minds and which we often neglect to include in our prayers; and that He prays for our protection against the dangers of which we are not even conscious, and against the enemies which threaten us, though we do not notice it. He is praying that our faith may not cease, and that we may come out victoriously in the end."
Louis Berkhof, Systematic Theology, p.403."If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me."
Robert Murray M’Cheyne, Robert Murray M’Cheyne p.179.HT: Girl Talk
Serenity and Chaos
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So much of life is learning to surrender.
It’s learning that I’m not Superwoman.
Yesterday I read the latest post at Passionate Homemaking. Lindsey mentioned two memorable comments from other moms: “Someone’s always crying” and “I’ve come to realize that I will always be tired.”
Neither of these comments were made in a negative or complaining way, but as Lindsey said, “in an embracing way.” This is how it is.
I get so irritable when Christian’s upset for no reason, or I’m really tired, or the house is messy but I don’t feel up to cleaning it.
Life isn’t about those things. It’s about loving the Lord and those around me. Right now, it’s about loving my family and trusting that God will take care of the details, even if they feel out of control… especially if they feel out of control.
I have so many gifts! Will I choose to see them, or grumble like the Israelites? Sometimes when I complain I’m fearfully convicted of my hardness of heart. It’s an evil thing to be discontent.
His grace is sufficient…
I Want to Be Like Her
In my imagination, I lived in India and China and Africa growing up. Reading biographies of faithful women impacted my heart. I still resonate with their stories today, even more in some senses.
Who are some of your favorite Christian women to read about?
A People-Pleaser Gets Married
I’ve had a couple conversations recently about being a “people-pleaser.”
I’m not a pleaser in the sense that I will do anything to make anyone happy. I am a pleaser in the sense that I am often overly focused on what certain people think of me.
This is a very common problem from what I hear. At root it’s a sin problem – fearing man instead of God.
I don’t think it’s wrong to desire the good opinion of others, especially of those we love. But it’s wrong to idolize that desire, to worry and sin when we’re not receiving affirmation.
Before I was married, I often avoided being around guys because I was so self-conscious and worried about how they perceived me. I saw myself as unattractive and in the way.
Since getting married, I desire my husband’s good opinion more than anyone else’s. I want him to be happy with me. There are many other people whose approval I want, but ultimately if A.J. is happy with me it doesn’t matter who else is or isn’t.
These feelings can be valid but I quickly carry them too far! Two sinners living together are going to provoke each other occasionally. But I can’t relax when everything isn’t perfectly smooth. I overanalyze. I try to control situations and prevent them from going downhill.
Seeking to live in love and at peace is one thing, but seeking to please and pacify people and manipulate circumstances is another. I have enough to do learning to treat others with love… I can’t control their responses or ensure that they will never be upset or irritated at me.
In the context of marriage, one of the biggest lessons I’m learning is to rest in God’s love for me through all the little ups and downs. If I expect a marriage of flawless peace that makes me feel constantly affirmed and secure, I’ll constantly be disappointed and unsettled. I’m learning what it means to seek real, solid peace in God’s real, constant love instead of finding my primary security in another human being.
Sometimes this is even harder because 9 times out of 10 I do feel affirmed and secure in my marriage, and I have to learn to balance my emotions and not put joy in a person and relationship instead of in God.
How does people pleasing show up in your life/marriage and what have you learned about it? I’d love to hear.
What Perfection REALLY Is
Do you ever feel out of control in a particular area of life?
I’ve been struggling with that feeling in my home.
The dishes get washed, the laundry gets folded, meals are planned and prepared, and the bed is made. But you know the drill – what about moving beyond the basics? What about projects and decluttering? Anyone relate?
A few factors contribute to my being overwhelmed:
- an active 15-month-old
- a recurrent health issue (written about here)
- oh, and a little thing called pregnancy
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I’m Anna, and I’m a perfectionist.
What bothers me most isn’t the sickness – it’s my lack of perfection. I desire to have a perfectly tidy, decluttered home. And I turn that desire into an idol when I am anxious about how I will get everything done, or envious as I read Facebook and blogs about others who are making their homes beautiful.
Laziness is different. I know when I’m being lazy. But the discouragement that’s been following me is that I want to do so much, yet my health right now prevents me from being a perfectionist.
Cleanliness is good. Productivity is good. But I am human. I have God-given limitations. If God sends me an illness, that might mean I can’t do everything I want to.
What’s worth crying about?
I’m glad I was led to read the post Teach Your Daughters Wailing this week. It reminded me that the very problem of having too much stuff and not enough space is unknown to millions. While I’m having a pity party because I feel overwhelmed, people are grieving the loss of a loved one; Haitian women are being victimized*; poverty kills 24,000 children a day; and 340 million people do not have a Bible translation in their language.
In that post, author Ann Dunagan wrote:
“Our family doesn’t care for crying around the house — unless we have something to really cry about. The other day, our competitive 10-year-old started whining-and-crying about losing a game of Monopoly, which resulted in an instant lecture from me about how crying is for real-stuff — like when someone is dying, or a kid is starving, or when we need to repent.”
Long before my to-do list…
This past Sunday, our pastor preached an encouraging Mother’s Day message. (If you would like the link, feel free to email me.) One point struck me the most: before I focus on my to-do list, I need to focus on what Christ has already done on my behalf!
If I think my #1 problem is clutter
and my solution is productivity…
I’m forgetting that my real problem is sin
and my solution is my Savior and his death on the cross!
In another recent message, our pastor reminded us that God does not just wipe our slate clean because of Christ’s death – but He applies Christ’s righteousness to us, so every day we can rest in the ongoing perfection of who we are in Jesus. As we strive to obey Him, we must know it is not our obedience that makes us worthy in His sight. Instead of living in guilt, we can be free! Not living in slavery! Not bound by rules and to-do lists… but knowing that Jesus has done it all!
Freedom
Isn’t that the most amazing truth? I know that some of you are dealing with illness or injuries, some very serious. What is it like for you to lay down the idea of control and find freedom in the gospel?
*not for young readers
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Can God Make Me?
When you say, “Can God make me become a Christian?” I tell you yes, for herein rests the power of the gospel. It does not ask your consent; but it gets it. It does not say, “Will you have it?” but it makes you willing in the day of God’s power… It knocks the enmity out of your heart. You say, I do not want to be saved; Christ says you shall be. He makes our will turn round, and then you cry,”‘Lord save, or I perish!” -Charles Spurgeon (emphasis mine)
Double posted from my Facebook… this is incredibly humbling because were it not for God’s grace, I would still say “I do not want to be saved.”
Rebuilding
In the early days of pregnancy, I feel like a different person.
It’s hard for me to remember what life was like a mere three weeks earlier, before I started feeling sick all the time.
The elusive “before pregnancy” days tease me mentally as I lie on the couch, remembering melodramatically how I “used to” pack A.J.’s lunch every day and keep a clean house.
But the change lies in more than daily tasks. I feel of touch with people. I don’t blog. I don’t read. (Whispering…) I skip my devotions for weeks.
How do I remain confident of His love when I’m slipping?
Thirteen weeks in, I’m feeling exhausted, but otherwise a lot like my old self. I know I have to rebuild… on a foundation of grace.
Sunrise and Sunflowers.
[A simple “thank you” doesn’t seem like enough for the outpouring of encouragement and prayers I received in response to my last post. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing, including in the online sphere.]
When you’re in the pit it’s hard to climb out – whether it’s a pit of anxiety, depression, self-pity, anger, bitterness, or drought.
Sin is immensely powerful. Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in it completely.
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Cor. 15:57)
He died so I can be forgiven, my sins atoned for – so like the prodigal son, no, as the prodigal daughter, I may know His compassion, embrace, and celebration.
Trust, I find, means believing in Jesus that He can and will save me from my sins, just like He promised. I make it very difficult for myself, seeking out the warnings in the Bible and thinking the promises won’t apply to me. But they aren’t just promises – they’re commands. He commands me to repent, believe the gospel, and bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And He promises that if I come to Him, He will receive me.
Peace!
