Hope Road

All the Way My Savior Leads Me

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide?

I know that many times in life, when I ask for something, God withholds it. And He’s allowed me to see that part of the reason He does that may be to redirect the desires of my heart, so I can know what’s truly important. I am so thankful for His grace in showing me that He is really all I need. Sometimes a “no” turns into a far greater blessing than a “yes” would have been.

But because I know this so well, I think sometimes I don’t expect a “yes” at all. I forget that God is still my Father, the one who loves to give good gifts to those who ask Him (Matt. 7:11). I’m so used to relating to God through sadness and difficulty, that I forget He is also the God of joy and comfort.

Yesterday, God reminded me that He is indeed the source of all joy and comfort. Being back in the school environment had brought many of my thoughts of self-doubt and self-hatred and self-consciousness (yes, so much self wrapped up in all of that) back in full force. These are areas I thought I had made progress in, and suddenly they were with me again, and were very unwelcome.

This went on all day, and it was especially heightened right before my Public Speaking class last night. I was so nervous about it and I wanted desperately not to be anxious. Before I left I prayed that God would give me the right circumstances to feel comfortable. When I arrived at class and found that we had to give an impromptu speech that evening, I was even more anxious.

I thought of all the people in the Bible who didn’t think they could speak, and the ways God spoke through them. And I thought of how Jesus told the disciples not to be afraid when they were called to be witnesses for His name, for the Holy Spirit would teach them what to say at just the right moment. If they didn’t have to be afraid in that situation, how much less did I need to be afraid in a situation where the intimidation factor pales in comparison!

It was amazing. As soon as I went up to speak, all of my nervousness faded away, and even as I talked about having dreaded the class and wanting to learn to enjoy it, I was enjoying it. It was just what I had prayed for, and somehow, my faithless heart thinks that Jesus won’t come through for me. I can almost hear Him saying, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14:31).

That little incident was kind of an image of what the whole day was like for me. My feelings of self-focus and fear led me to the Savior’s feet. And that was the best place to be. Not only did He comfort me, but He listened to me, and He answered me. I want to find Him all in all no matter what His answer is next time, but it is such a gift to know that He cares for the small particularities of my life.

Earthquake in Peru

By now many of you have probably heard of the earthquake that struck Peru yesterday evening. Most of the damage took place in a region south of Lima. As I write this, the death toll is at 510.

I’m deeply saddened by the tragedy that has struck the country I have grown to love this summer. I pray for those affected by it, especially for the families of those who were killed.

And I am so thankful that it didn’t take place in the highly populated city of Lima. I have talked to a couple of my friends in Lima, and they are all right. Some buildings did collapse in the center of the city, but there was minimal damage compared to the southern region, and only one death has been reported.

It is so strange to think that I was walking those streets two short weeks ago. There was a small earthquake in Lima while we were in Cusco, but it was more of a tremor than anything else. Every public building we visited had a “zona segura in case of earthquake” sign - or two - but I didn’t really think about it much. I was busy being anxious about other things. There is truly no limit to the things on earth to worry about. How grateful I am for a sovereign God.

Say Goodbye

I miss the children I met in Peru so much. I’m realizing it more and more as the days go by. We visited nine homes in a month, spending as little as one afternoon at some of them, a week at the most at others.

Yet somehow, in such a short amount of time, I met hundreds of children, and they are never to be forgotten.

Something the organization I went with told us in the orientation before we left the States was, at each orphanage, to try to form a special connection with one child.

That helped me a lot. I didn’t limit myself to only one child, but I allowed myself to slow down and focus on those children who really wanted to meet me. This was especially easy when we were working with larger groups, since there were enough of us to give attention to a larger number of children. And either way, it helped me to really focus on building relationships as much as possible.

We worked at three teen girls’ homes, one girls’ orphanage, two boys’ orphanages, one community center, and two traditional-style orphanages. I wish I could communicate what it was like to walk through the door of the home and be enveloped by their love and excitement. “Senorita Anna!” I would see the kids I had specifically befriended and they would come around and cling to me. We did little VBS programs, but some of my favorite times were playing with them, talking to them, letting them play with my hair and asking them questions and answering their questions.

The worst was saying goodbye. Especially at the girls’ home where we spent a week in Cusco with a team from Texas. On Saturday, our last day there, we put on a huge carnival for the girls. We also brought in the boys from the home we’d visited the afternoon before. The afternoon was amazing. It was like a dreamland, like a departure from reality. The kids were carefree and excited; they were actually kids for a few hours. And then crashing down to the aftermath, of the goodbyes. We were all hugging, and crying, and exchanging e-mail addresses for so long. The team was crying, the girls were crying. Our bus pulled away when it was almost completely dark. The girls were waving, blowing kisses, wiping away their tears as we wiped away ours.

I’m back to my “normal” life now, but I can’t forget the children. I want to take care of them. It’s hard to think of them without getting teary eyed. I love them so much. I just want to love them like Jesus would. I know He loves them. And they brought me so much. They, who have nothing to give, in reality have so much to give.

Tags: Peru

You Make Me Want to Be Brave

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself so far this year, it’s that I have a major anxiety problem. And right now it’s not so much the amount of fear that concerns me. I live every day life in a pretty normal way. But what concerns me is how many areas of my life I experience some level of anxiety in. (I wrote more about that awhile ago in “I’m Afraid of You.”)

I’m so excited that God has opened my eyes to this sin. Naming it and acknowledging it is a huge step forward for me. I’m excited about taking specific steps to be brave instead of cowardly. I’m excited about the things God has already been showing me about how He doesn’t want me to live in fear, about how my life is His, not mine, so I don’t need to try to control it. I’m excited about the freedom that’s found in trying new things instead of being too afraid.

But I know I have a long way to go. So I’m planning on the next stage of my Bible study being focused on the topic of fear and anxiety, and conversely, courage and trust. I’m not sure what exactly that will entail, but I just know that the topic in general is something to focus on. If any of you have any stories or thoughts to share, or suggestions to give about Bible study in relation to this topic, I’d love to hear them!

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
(Nichole Nordeman, “Brave”)

Chasten Yourselves, But Be Not Discouraged

Earlier today, I read this entry from the Girl Talk archives. I thought, “Oh, I know someone who that would apply to. I should share it with them.” This evening, there is no one who needs to read it more than I do. I hope it might encourage you too.

“Whenever I am tempted to wallow in regret over a mistake, an unwise decision, a sinful comment, I have often found encouragement in these thoughts from Charles Spurgeon:

‘What is the use of regret unless we can rise by it to a better future? Sighs, which do not raise us higher, are an ill use of vital breath. Chasten yourselves, but be not discouraged. Gather up the arrows which aforetime fell wide of the mark, not to break them in passionate despair, but to send them to the target with direct aim, and a more concentrated force. Weave victories out of defeats. Learn success from failure, wisdom from blundering’ (Spurgeon on Spiritual Leadership by Steve Miller, p. 93)

Let’s get off our mental couch of despair over past sins and mistakes. Let us not be like the one the apostle Peter describes as ’so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins’ (1 Peter 1:9) By the power of Christ, let’s be all the more diligent to make our calling and election sure (v. 10). Let’s weave victories out of defeat.”

What’s in YOUR Bible?

I’ve been struggling with my devotional life lately - and by that I mean, I just haven’t been sitting down and having a quiet time like I need to. Sure, I’ve been listening to lots of sermons and reading good blogs, but that isn’t the same thing. A small part of my problem has been that I just don’t know what to read. I usually read a chapter from Psalms and Proverbs every time, and usually a devotional from John Piper’s Taste and See. I sometimes read Daily Light in the morning or before bed, too. And I journal, of course!

(I realized I should add that being a Bible major in college, I’m used to having one or more classes that focus on somewhat intensive Bible study. During the summer, I really miss that addition to my regular quiet times, so it’s even harder to know how to incorporate actual study into what I’m used to doing during the school year.)

But my problem was knowing what other book to focus on next. I had been reading 1 Peter. My mom suggested I read things that will help me prepare my mind and heart for my trip to Peru, so I’m starting with the passage I mentioned in my last post, because of my typical feelings of inadequacy and insecurity surrounding a new ministry opportunity.

I was curious to know, what are you reading in your Bible lately? And how do you usually frame your quiet time?

Pictured above is the ESV Bible I use for most of my reading. I love it!

See also “Quiet Times” on Delightful Way

I’m Afraid of You

I’ve allowed fear to confine and control me in so many ways, and I’m just realizing it recently. I’m afraid of you, the reader. What will you think of what I write? Is it good enough? Do I come across the wrong way? I’m afraid of death, of eternity, of suffering, of what people think of me, of not being beautiful, of being single forever, of conflict, of people being angry at me… the list goes on and on.

Fear controls me because I change myself to fit what I think people want. I allow myself to be paralyzed with anxiety over what guys think of me. I grasp for sovereignty over my life in almost every particular so that I can be sure it’s being handled and won’t spin out of control.

What’s even worse than all this is that much of this fearfulness is really driven by pride. I’m afraid of what people think of me because I want them to think well of me. I change my behavior, appearance, and attitudes so certain people will like me because I want to be well-liked. I grasp for control because I have a certain image in my mind of what my personality and my life should look like, and I don’t want that to change.

I don’t know how to fix this, I really don’t. I’m glad I am finally understanding this about myself. A book I’ve seen in several blogs in the past couple of weeks is When People Are Big and God Is Small by Ed Welch. I’ve added it to my reading list because I think it’s a message I desperately need to absorb.

This is my confession. I know sometimes it can seem like I have it all together. Believe me, I don’t. Not in the slightest. But I’m learning daily what salvation means - that I am rescued not just from past sin, not only from future sin, but from present sin and its effects. Jesus wants me to be free of this sinful fearfulness. He wants me to turn to Him. I pray I can do just that.

Drifting

This is a quote I posted on my Xanga awhile ago. I ran into it again somewhere, and it’s so good I thought I’d post it here. We deceive ourselves in so many ways, don’t we?

“People do not drift toward holiness.
Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord.
We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance;
we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom;
we drift toward superstition and call it faith.
We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation;
we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism;
we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.”

D.A. Carson

Tags: obedience

True Beauty (Part 1)

One of my passions is helping girls and young women see where true beauty lies. Since this is something I have struggled with (and still do struggle with) myself, I want to spread the message that your personal worth is about so much more than your appearance.

This is my favorite “true beauty” Scripture:

“Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Real beauty is…

• Hidden. It’s not something you put on parade. It’s not something the crowd around you can always see. It’s the adornment of a humble heart who trusts that God’s approval is all she needs.
• Imperishable. Our culture is obsessed with finding ways to prevent aging, to prevent the loss of youthful beauty. But this precious beauty of the heart will never fade or grow old. Rather, it grows more lovely with age.
• Very precious in God’s sight. What more could we ask for? Cultivating this inward quietness and gentleness - this calm, strong trust and peace in the Lord - is precious to our Heavenly Father. He values it more than any human could value our outward appearance.

The purpose of this post was to introduce a mini-series of posts about true beauty. Each time, I’ll feature a woman who I believe exemplifies this kind of beauty. We need those kinds of examples in a sea of cultural emphasis on physical beauty. So stay tuned for more in the upcoming days and weeks!

Tags: appearance