Hope Road

take my dreams

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it’s burning bright for You
It’s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord, with You
There’s nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father’s hand

My hands, my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me                                  (lyrics)

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I don’t know what’s ahead. But I’m tired of being held back by my own fears. What does it mean? Again, I just don’t know. The possibilities are endless… I can’t wait to see what’s next!

It’s been a bit of a crazy few weeks here at school. Just one thing after another. Do you ever have those times of heightened self-awareness, when you feel like you’re learning new things about yourself, and just your own becoming, moment by moment? It’s the whole growing up thing, I think.

I’m going to read Taking Flight by Elisabeth Elliot soon. I got it for my high school graduation, started to read it, then realized it was more apropos for college graduation. So I’ve been waiting to read it for almost four years. I can’t believe that time is almost over. I truly can’t.

On that note, it’s time for bed.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Cor. 5:14-15)

A Paralyzing Fear

From Reforming the Feminine:

“The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war, or losing their parents.”

How many of us are secretly agreeing with that?

I hate the state we’re in.

I’m Afraid to Tell the Truth

[reposted; see Monday's entry]

I’m afraid to tell the truth.

Not personal truth. For the most part, I know what I want to share, and I know what to be discreet about. I know which people are safe to share with, and which people I’m on less of a personal level with.

And I’m not afraid to tell the big truths, the dogmas, the unshakeables. Jesus died on the cross for my sins. God created the universe. Murder is wrong.

But I’m afraid to tell the little truths, the shadowy ones that disappear around a corner. Women should not be pastors. Living as a Christian and living as a homos*xual are mutually exclusive. Watching R-rated movies filled with gratuitous filth is wrong. In many or most cases, divorce is wrong. Abortion is killing, plain and simple, and it’s wrong no matter which way you twist it.

There are three big reasons why I’m afraid to tell the truth.

1. Even while typing that paragraph, I was struggling to word things in an inoffensive way. And a big reason I’m afraid to tell the truth is because I’m afraid to say that someone else is wrong. Saying that someone is wrong is one of the biggest offenses possible in today’s culture. You can have any opinion you want to, but don’t you dare say that your opinion can’t peacefully coexist with someone else’s - don’t you dare say that you’re right and they’re wrong. But if we believe in truth, and I think most of us do at some level, then some people are right, and others are wrong. There’s no way around it.
2. I’m also afraid to sound closed-minded. I pride myself (yes, it’s pride a lot of the time) on being somewhat intelligent and intellectual. I don’t want to call myself conservative or a Republican because I don’t want to be grouped with a bunch of flag-waving Southern Baptists. I don’t want to say I’m pro-life because then I might sound like a self-righteous, hate-mongering conservative who doesn’t care about women’s rights. I want to sound like I’ve thought about my attitudes and convictions instead of having them spoon-fed to me. And in my idealism, the easy way seems to be to adopt different beliefs than those of my surrounding Christian bubble, even when the Christian ideas are the truth.
3. I’m afraid of being legalistic. I have opinions about “Christian liberty” issues such as modesty and entertainment. And I want to share those opinions, which I believe are based on biblical principles. But I don’t want to lay those opinions down as laws. I don’t want to write out a Christian rulebook that we can all follow and feel better about ourselves, for that is exactly what the Pharisees did. And I live in holy fear of being a Pharisee, because the Pharisees’ religious background was a lot like mine.

I’m learning to live in the paradox of truth and fear. This is why I embrace the concept of humble orthodoxy - living in the truth faithfully and humbly, as broken people who may be wrong, but who have made the best, most prayerful effort possible to remain faithful to biblical truth, even when it’s hard.

Where I End

I couldn’t put it better:

“I still have the luggage tag tied to my messenger bag. I can be stubborn and sentimental like that, but I know I should move on. Life is more than a destination. If I would put myself aside, I’m sure I’d find scandalous paradoxes here or anywhere.

Where I end, He begins.”

[thundered cat]

I’m stubborn. I’m sentimental. My people, my Peru, you’re in my heart and always will be. But life is more than a destination. The pieces of beauty I saw there are scattered everywhere here as well. There’s work to be done here as well as there. Maybe someday, I will have a destination again. Maybe it will be Peru. But for now, I am here. Right here. In my feeling of being overwhelmed in my studies, my textbook that hasn’t arrived, my jobs that won’t start, and my sickness that won’t go away. I’m here, He’s here. My fear can disappear. I want myself to end. He will begin.

Tags: Peru

All the Way My Savior Leads Me

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide?

I know that many times in life, when I ask for something, God withholds it. And He’s allowed me to see that part of the reason He does that may be to redirect the desires of my heart, so I can know what’s truly important. I am so thankful for His grace in showing me that He is really all I need. Sometimes a “no” turns into a far greater blessing than a “yes” would have been.

But because I know this so well, I think sometimes I don’t expect a “yes” at all. I forget that God is still my Father, the one who loves to give good gifts to those who ask Him (Matt. 7:11). I’m so used to relating to God through sadness and difficulty, that I forget He is also the God of joy and comfort.

Yesterday, God reminded me that He is indeed the source of all joy and comfort. Being back in the school environment had brought many of my thoughts of self-doubt and self-hatred and self-consciousness (yes, so much self wrapped up in all of that) back in full force. These are areas I thought I had made progress in, and suddenly they were with me again, and were very unwelcome.

This went on all day, and it was especially heightened right before my Public Speaking class last night. I was so nervous about it and I wanted desperately not to be anxious. Before I left I prayed that God would give me the right circumstances to feel comfortable. When I arrived at class and found that we had to give an impromptu speech that evening, I was even more anxious.

I thought of all the people in the Bible who didn’t think they could speak, and the ways God spoke through them. And I thought of how Jesus told the disciples not to be afraid when they were called to be witnesses for His name, for the Holy Spirit would teach them what to say at just the right moment. If they didn’t have to be afraid in that situation, how much less did I need to be afraid in a situation where the intimidation factor pales in comparison!

It was amazing. As soon as I went up to speak, all of my nervousness faded away, and even as I talked about having dreaded the class and wanting to learn to enjoy it, I was enjoying it. It was just what I had prayed for, and somehow, my faithless heart thinks that Jesus won’t come through for me. I can almost hear Him saying, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14:31).

That little incident was kind of an image of what the whole day was like for me. My feelings of self-focus and fear led me to the Savior’s feet. And that was the best place to be. Not only did He comfort me, but He listened to me, and He answered me. I want to find Him all in all no matter what His answer is next time, but it is such a gift to know that He cares for the small particularities of my life.

Earthquake in Peru

By now many of you have probably heard of the earthquake that struck Peru yesterday evening. Most of the damage took place in a region south of Lima. As I write this, the death toll is at 510.

I’m deeply saddened by the tragedy that has struck the country I have grown to love this summer. I pray for those affected by it, especially for the families of those who were killed.

And I am so thankful that it didn’t take place in the highly populated city of Lima. I have talked to a couple of my friends in Lima, and they are all right. Some buildings did collapse in the center of the city, but there was minimal damage compared to the southern region, and only one death has been reported.

It is so strange to think that I was walking those streets two short weeks ago. There was a small earthquake in Lima while we were in Cusco, but it was more of a tremor than anything else. Every public building we visited had a “zona segura in case of earthquake” sign - or two - but I didn’t really think about it much. I was busy being anxious about other things. There is truly no limit to the things on earth to worry about. How grateful I am for a sovereign God.

Say Goodbye

I miss the children I met in Peru so much. I’m realizing it more and more as the days go by. We visited nine homes in a month, spending as little as one afternoon at some of them, a week at the most at others.

Yet somehow, in such a short amount of time, I met hundreds of children, and they are never to be forgotten.

Something the organization I went with told us in the orientation before we left the States was, at each orphanage, to try to form a special connection with one child.

That helped me a lot. I didn’t limit myself to only one child, but I allowed myself to slow down and focus on those children who really wanted to meet me. This was especially easy when we were working with larger groups, since there were enough of us to give attention to a larger number of children. And either way, it helped me to really focus on building relationships as much as possible.

We worked at three teen girls’ homes, one girls’ orphanage, two boys’ orphanages, one community center, and two traditional-style orphanages. I wish I could communicate what it was like to walk through the door of the home and be enveloped by their love and excitement. “Senorita Anna!” I would see the kids I had specifically befriended and they would come around and cling to me. We did little VBS programs, but some of my favorite times were playing with them, talking to them, letting them play with my hair and asking them questions and answering their questions.

The worst was saying goodbye. Especially at the girls’ home where we spent a week in Cusco with a team from Texas. On Saturday, our last day there, we put on a huge carnival for the girls. We also brought in the boys from the home we’d visited the afternoon before. The afternoon was amazing. It was like a dreamland, like a departure from reality. The kids were carefree and excited; they were actually kids for a few hours. And then crashing down to the aftermath, of the goodbyes. We were all hugging, and crying, and exchanging e-mail addresses for so long. The team was crying, the girls were crying. Our bus pulled away when it was almost completely dark. The girls were waving, blowing kisses, wiping away their tears as we wiped away ours.

I’m back to my “normal” life now, but I can’t forget the children. I want to take care of them. It’s hard to think of them without getting teary eyed. I love them so much. I just want to love them like Jesus would. I know He loves them. And they brought me so much. They, who have nothing to give, in reality have so much to give.

Tags: Peru

You Make Me Want to Be Brave

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself so far this year, it’s that I have a major anxiety problem. And right now it’s not so much the amount of fear that concerns me. I live every day life in a pretty normal way. But what concerns me is how many areas of my life I experience some level of anxiety in. (I wrote more about that awhile ago in “I’m Afraid of You.”)

I’m so excited that God has opened my eyes to this sin. Naming it and acknowledging it is a huge step forward for me. I’m excited about taking specific steps to be brave instead of cowardly. I’m excited about the things God has already been showing me about how He doesn’t want me to live in fear, about how my life is His, not mine, so I don’t need to try to control it. I’m excited about the freedom that’s found in trying new things instead of being too afraid.

But I know I have a long way to go. So I’m planning on the next stage of my Bible study being focused on the topic of fear and anxiety, and conversely, courage and trust. I’m not sure what exactly that will entail, but I just know that the topic in general is something to focus on. If any of you have any stories or thoughts to share, or suggestions to give about Bible study in relation to this topic, I’d love to hear them!

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
(Nichole Nordeman, “Brave”)

Chasten Yourselves, But Be Not Discouraged

Earlier today, I read this entry from the Girl Talk archives. I thought, “Oh, I know someone who that would apply to. I should share it with them.” This evening, there is no one who needs to read it more than I do. I hope it might encourage you too.

“Whenever I am tempted to wallow in regret over a mistake, an unwise decision, a sinful comment, I have often found encouragement in these thoughts from Charles Spurgeon:

‘What is the use of regret unless we can rise by it to a better future? Sighs, which do not raise us higher, are an ill use of vital breath. Chasten yourselves, but be not discouraged. Gather up the arrows which aforetime fell wide of the mark, not to break them in passionate despair, but to send them to the target with direct aim, and a more concentrated force. Weave victories out of defeats. Learn success from failure, wisdom from blundering’ (Spurgeon on Spiritual Leadership by Steve Miller, p. 93)

Let’s get off our mental couch of despair over past sins and mistakes. Let us not be like the one the apostle Peter describes as ’so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins’ (1 Peter 1:9) By the power of Christ, let’s be all the more diligent to make our calling and election sure (v. 10). Let’s weave victories out of defeat.”

What’s in YOUR Bible?

I’ve been struggling with my devotional life lately - and by that I mean, I just haven’t been sitting down and having a quiet time like I need to. Sure, I’ve been listening to lots of sermons and reading good blogs, but that isn’t the same thing. A small part of my problem has been that I just don’t know what to read. I usually read a chapter from Psalms and Proverbs every time, and usually a devotional from John Piper’s Taste and See. I sometimes read Daily Light in the morning or before bed, too. And I journal, of course!

(I realized I should add that being a Bible major in college, I’m used to having one or more classes that focus on somewhat intensive Bible study. During the summer, I really miss that addition to my regular quiet times, so it’s even harder to know how to incorporate actual study into what I’m used to doing during the school year.)

But my problem was knowing what other book to focus on next. I had been reading 1 Peter. My mom suggested I read things that will help me prepare my mind and heart for my trip to Peru, so I’m starting with the passage I mentioned in my last post, because of my typical feelings of inadequacy and insecurity surrounding a new ministry opportunity.

I was curious to know, what are you reading in your Bible lately? And how do you usually frame your quiet time?

Pictured above is the ESV Bible I use for most of my reading. I love it!

See also “Quiet Times” on Delightful Way