My Word for 2012: There isn’t one.

This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t come up with any kind of resolutions.

Last year I came up with a word to mark 2011, and to be honest, I forgot about it pretty quickly. I found out I was pregnant in late January, and the rest of the year has been a roller coaster ride.

It’s hard to talk about how intensely difficult this season is without sounding (or being) ungrateful for the incredible gift of two sweet, healthy children. But it is very intense. And it’s tempting to feel like I’m losing myself when I think, “New Year’s resolutions? Seriously? My resolution is to get the breakfast dishes done and fold laundry. The end.”

Rachel Jankovic’s Loving the Little Years was a big encouragement to me last week. I got it for Christmas and finished it in one afternoon (while A.J. was home, and mostly during naptime, in case you’re wondering how I managed to pull that off).

I do have a couple of informal goals for the year, now that I think about it. One is related to Bible reading, and the other to blogging. I want to continue writing here at least twice a week, even if it’s nothing special.

Mamas of little ones who know this intense season I’m talking about – what are/were your coping mechanisms? And please tell me that the days eventually have a little more breathing room!

Simply Going on in Peace

Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

I love revisiting Elisabeth Elliot’s writings. Her ideas can seem quaint now, but look a little closer and they have a lot of wisdom.

These particular quotes are from Keep a Quiet Heart and The Music of His Promises. They encouraged me, since lately I’ve been struggling with being stressed over all I have to do.

The first quote reminds me of how important this “little” work is, all these endless details that make up my days, cleaning food off the floor and folding laundry and reading stories and naming colors.

And the other two quotes help me remember the importance of trusting God’s sovereignty over the details of my life, instead of trying to carry the burden of all that must be accomplished.

In other news, I’m so excited that this is the week of Christmas. We’re packing for a road trip, my sister’s wedding, and a family Christmas… so much excitement!

I hope you all have a very blessed Christmas!

Imperfectly Perfect

It’s easy to make one’s life sound either picturesquely ideal or perpetually chaotic, especially on a blog. My last post emphasized the chaotic… so today I’m sharing some happy bits of life. They always go hand in hand, don’t they?

I’m growing to love cooking. I’m trying to keep it wholesome and simple… which sometimes translates to boring, but I’m working on it.

Supper tonight:

{photo & recipe: black bean pumpkin soup}

I sneaked a few tastes and it’s quite promising.

I’m experimenting with making healthy homemade bread. Buying it is so expensive. A loaf of this is cooling on the table right now:

{photo & recipe: honey whole wheat sandwich bread}

Eliza, dear child, is on her second 2-hour nap of the day. (Yesterday she took about seven 20-minute naps.) I’m not really sure what to do with myself.

I wish I could show you pictures of my pretty Christmas decorations (I love Grace’s), but we won’t be here for Christmas and we haven’t done anything but hang up some Christmas lights in unusual places around our living room. It still makes for a festive atmosphere in the evenings.

[Side note: My next area of life to research and grow in is going to be decorating (frugally). And I can’t wait to start some simple, meaningful Christmas traditions next year; we’ll have a 1-year-old and an almost-3-year-old!]

We’ve been taking tentative steps into a basic routine, and it’s given us a more peaceful few days recently.

Lastly, have any of you seen the ESVBible.org website? You can create a free account, go through a variety of devotional plans, highlight and underline, etc. I like using it in the early mornings when I’m up with Eliza.

I hope you all are having a good Tuesday! I can’t believe Christmas is only 12 days away!

Two Under 2: Confessions

~Sometimes often it takes all morning just to wash the breakfast dishes and get the three of us dressed and ready.

~I’m never quite sure if I’m spending enough quality time with either child.

~I still let Eliza sleep in her glider for most of her naps. It’s just too hard to teach “drowsy but awake” when I have a toddler running around.

~I really wish we had a better routine right now, but I’m not quite sure how to get there.

~I really really wish I had family living nearby.

~I should use any tandem naptimes to nap or get things done, but a lot of times I take a nice quiet coffee break instead.

~We’ve gone over my 30 minutes of TV per day rule a little more than I’d like recently.

~Every day I have countdowns to naptime and A.J. coming home.

~I’m discouraged right now because it seems like I can barely keep up on the basics, much less anything else.

~For example: I haven’t cleaned my showers in an embarrassingly long time.

~I worry too much about Eliza. Babies are so little and vulnerable and I sometimes don’t want to go to sleep at night because I’d rather be keeping an eye on her as she sleeps.

~I can’t wait until Christian learns how to play nicely with his sister so I can actually leave them on the floor together.

~I’m not sure how I can both dislike and cherish this season at the same time, but I do.

What are your mommy confessions?

Long Days and Short Years

I have to admit one of the reasons I don’t blog much anymore is because I’m afraid to start a post for fear I’ll be interrupted and unable to finish. But here I go anyway!

Christian and Eliza have been sleeping at the same time for about an hour now. I’m sitting on the couch sweltering… in December. It’s probably almost 80 in the house right now and it just feels so warm. But I refuse to turn on the air conditioning, because I’m not pregnant anymore and A/C in December is ridiculous. And expensive.

I finally uploaded a bunch of pictures from our camera. The memory card is full now so I have to figure out how to get them all off the camera (I didn’t automatically delete them when I uploaded them). I hadn’t uploaded pictures for a year. Unbelievable.

So, in my mind there is a scale of tiredness:

Well-Rested
Mildly Sleepy
Quite Tired
Can’t Keep My Eyes Open
Mind-Numbingly Exhausted

Miss Eliza has been sleeping till 6 am lately, so I’ve been only Mildly Sleepy. But I had trouble sleeping last night, and then she woke up around 5:45 this morning, for the day, so I’m feeling Quite Tired. I hope that second cup of coffee is kicking in right now. (Why am I not napping, you ask? Umm… I’m not sure. Because I have a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be blogging.” [Not really.])

She’s such a sweet baby.

Christian is getting so old. I’m looking forward to his language skills developing enough that I can have conversations with him. He’s saying new words daily. He thinks school buses are amazing. Whenever we see one while we’re driving, I hear his little high-pitched voice from the backseat: “BUS?!” I found a library book that has 32 lined up on one page (we count everything right now). His eyes got huge the first time we read it.

I was just listening to an online radio interview with Rachel Jankovic, and something she said struck me. Paraphrasing, she said as mothers we have to learn to have a sense of humor about what we’re doing, yet we also have to take very seriously our responsibility and the daily impact we have on our children.

Yet another area of balance in life… sometimes all I can do is laugh at certain situations that arise, but this whole calling of motherhood is nothing to be taken lightly. I have two little eternal souls in my home and it’s my responsibility to preach Christ to them through our interactions, even long before they can understand my words.

Being a parent sure does reveal my own sinfulness to me. I’m glad God gives grace through Christ for the otherwise hopeless sinner. Sometimes (okay, often) I’m desperately in need of an attitude adjustment, and I realize how much I need to grow at the same time as I’m instructing my toddler on right and wrong.

I have so much more I could write, but time is ticking and I hear Christian coughing, which may or may not mean he’s awake. Time to get geared up for the second half of the day!

Living Epistles

Each time I manage to write a blog post, it should begin with an ode to naptime, because that’s usually the only way I’m writing. It would be something like:

Naptime…
when littles peacefully slumber
and there is again space to breathe
and think.

Ahem. Clearly I won’t be winning any poetry awards anytime soon.

I used to love to write. I wanted to become really good at it. And now? I still love it, but I’m so rusty and haven’t honed it much. But it reminds me of an excerpt from Anne of Ingleside:

“And you’ve quite given it [writing] up?” asked Christine.

“Not altogether… but I’m writing living epistles now,” said Anne, thinking of Jem and Co.

[takes a break as Eliza has woken and wants to eat]

Where was I?

Naptime… writing… nowhere, really.

Last night I was spending some time on Sally Clarkson’s blog, I Take Joy. It’s not a regular read of mine but I think it’s going to be. Here’s an excerpt from today’s post:

A sweet young mom in my ministry was telling a story recently. She has a new baby and her mom has encouraged her to nurse her sweet baby when she cries, to cuddle and sing to her, to hold her, to comfort her and to enjoy her. My friend is surprised at how responsive her new infant is, even at three months, and how easily she comforts.

A friend of hers who had her baby at the same time, read baby-wise. She does not hold her baby often. She will not feed her baby until 4 hours exactly, as she does not want to train her babe to be selfish and break the baby-wise law and need her, and so on. When the two were together, the babywise mom, whose baby was fussy and cried a lot, proclaimed. “Look at my baby. Even at 3 months you can see that she is strong willed and defiant–just look how she cries when I don’t pick her up. But what she didn’t know was that her baby was saying,  ”Hey, mom, I need you. I am hungry and insecure–would you please hold me?”

To be honest, this brought back some painful memories. I wrote about Babywise last year when Christian was a few months old. I was overly influenced by the desire to get him started on good habits and a routine. It stressed me out and I am sad that I didn’t just relax and focus on nurturing him. I thought he was so fussy. I do have to say that part of the problem wasn’t Babywise, it was just that I had no idea how to get him to sleep.

Now with Eliza, she seems so easy because I just go with the flow and do whatever she wants. And you know what? She rarely fusses (except in the evening, although that’s gotten better).

I do find our days go more smoothly when I encourage some structure (watching for sleepy cues, helping her extend naps, etc.), but I’m such a big softie now – maybe a little to the extreme.

I get sad and stressed if I can’t hold her or play with her the whole time she’s awake, which I do most of the time, but it isn’t always possible with my “four-limbed wrecking ball” (stole that phrase from Emily) running around.

Anyway, that was kind of a tangent, but my point was that I love Sally Clarkson’s emphasis on compassion and grace in raising children, although not to the exclusion of rules and discipline.

I was going to write more, but I think this post is long enough and I want to enjoy a little non-blogging free time before my littles wake back up. Happy first day of Advent!

Where We Are Today

Little ones with colds… thankful for saline drops, the bulb syringe, DVDs to watch, and extra snuggles.

Fatigue… thankful for coffee.

Hunger… thankful for healthy, nourishing food.

Dirty clothes… thankful for a functioning washer and dryer.

A wakeful, catnapping baby… thankful for a pacifier and a glider.

Overwhelmed… by the constant gifts heaped upon me so undeservingly.

Behind on blogging… but blessedly busy.

Gospel. Grace. The fragrance of Christ. Life to those being saved… words on my heart.

Savior… most blessed gift of all.

Everywhere I Look

Writing feels foreign to my fingers. Instead, my senses are familiar with the achingly sweet scent of my baby’s head… soapy dishwater filled with silverware… warm November breezes… my toddler’s exuberant exclamations… the startling quietness of naptime… creamy cups of coffee… messes everywhere I look…

God has been good to me in this season. As often as I’ve wanted to have a self-indulgent pity party about how exhausted and overwhelmed I am, I’ve been reminded moment by moment of how precious these children are, how short the time is, and what a huge privilege I have in raising them. It’s truly been an acute sense of blessing that’s prevented me from wallowing in discontentment or sadness.

And He has given me so much grace in caring for them, and especially with Christian – just loving to read to him and talk to him and play with him, and be patient and consistent with him, even when I don’t feel like it. Enjoying mothering didn’t come this naturally when he was an infant. I was so afraid of how hard it would be after Eliza was born. Don’t get me wrong, he has definitely had behavior issues (naturally) and I have had patience issues. But the Lord has been at work in my heart and has worked through me and in me. I never could do it on my own.

He’s sustained me emotionally as well. I’ve mostly dealt with a little anxiety – over that overwhelming feeling of grogginess; knowing I can’t get caught up on sleep; my house constantly sliding deeper into the pit of chaos and having to pull it out again and again; the physical changes of having a baby; being able to accomplish necessary tasks and prepare for the holidays, my sister’s wedding, and a huge road trip; having our usual evening routine replaced by caring for an extremely fussy baby.

But somehow I am just so focused on how brief this season is. With Christian I struggled more with giving up “my time.” Being a planner and a type A person, it’s hard for me when the baby is in these unpredictable, pre-routine days. I was afraid of how it would be to just go go go all day long with no tandem naps or rest break. And some days that’s how it is, but I manage.

I actually find myself thriving on the busyness… although I do start to break down by the evening. It’s almost easier to try to fit housework and to-do’s around the edges of caring for the kids, with no spare time, than it is to have one toddler and have to fill the time meaningfully.

Eliza’s stirring from another catnap so I’ll have to limit any further pontification. Thankful today…

Two Under 2: A Day in the Life

Warning: incredibly long post ahead.

Also, I know I really need more pictures. I just did a whole 1-month-old “photo shoot” with Eliza, but none of them are on this computer.

Thirdly, the random pair of Christian’s little pants in this picture makes me laugh.

Where to begin?

I miss writing… I miss commenting on your blogs (although I’ve still been reading!). I have numerous thoughts to share, sleep-deprived though I am. I have great guest posts in an email folder waiting to be published. I plan to publish them beginning Monday (I hope!).

Life with two… well, it’s been busy, needless to say. Times like this are rare, when both of them are sleeping at the same time for more than 20 or 30 minutes. I have a sweet, riotous toddler who’s had some difficulty adjusting to the new state of things. I have an adorable, precious baby girl who would like to snuggle with me all day long, and I would love to do the same.

My days are quite a whirlwind now. I’m figuring out how to balance everything – the kids’ basic needs are taken care of first, of course, and then the less essential but important things with them like playing, going outside, etc. In between I have to fit in laundry, meal preparation, keeping things picked up, and a little cleaning. And finishing a task without several stops and starts is rare (does that make sense? Again, sleep deprivation…).

Speaking of sleep deprivation, Eliza’s been a little champ. She’s even gone one 6.5-hour stretch already. She basically wakes up once between 11 and 7, although sometimes it takes awhile to get her back to sleep. If I wasn’t so wired from forcing myself awake during the day, I might be able to get more sleep at night. But I feel very blessed she’s not waking me up every 2 hours at night. (Famous last words.)

I think I’m figuring out our new routine, even though 1-month-olds aren’t exactly predictable or schedule-able (new word!). Here’s how it looks:

7:00: Eliza wakes up and eats breakfast. A.J.’s up getting ready for work. (I’m not going to describe his exact schedule though.) I get Eliza and myself (hopefully) dressed for the day, and if I have time I make the bed and tidy up a little, depending on if she lets me.

8:00: Christian wakes up and eats breakfast. I juggle both kids’ needs and try to fit eating my own breakfast and drinking coffee in there somewhere.

8:30: Somewhere around this time Eliza falls asleep, usually while I’m carrying her around. I try to lay her in her glider, or I continue holding her while I eat breakfast. Christian watches his one half-hour movie of the day while I eat and/or clean up the kitchen.

9:00-10:00: I get Christian dressed and brush his teeth and mine. If Eliza’s sleeping, I clean up the living room and start laundry while Christian “helps” me.

10:00: Snack time – we’ve been having green smoothies every day lately. Christian loves it when I say it’s time for his smoothie. He rushes to the cupboard where I keep the blender and says, “Wow!!” because it’s noisy.

10:15-12:00: Kind of a whirlwind of playing with Christian and keeping him out of trouble, feeding Eliza and keeping her happy, catching up on tasks I’m already behind on, making any supper preparations, changing diapers, etc.

12:00: Lunchtime! Eliza’s often taking her second nap by this time, or she might be nursing or wanting to be held. Christian’s in his high chair in the kitchen and I take care of any dishes that need doing and chit-chat with him.

12:30: We hang around waiting for naptime. I try to read to Christian but he’s not having too much of it lately, other than the Bible stories A.J. reads him before bed. Sometimes if I have to feed Eliza at this time, Christian plays in the pack ‘n’ play or in his room with me, because he tends to be a little difficult right before his nap.

1:00: Naptime. Sometimes I get Eliza to sleep too, but more often she’s still awake for awhile and I have one-on-one time with her. She gets some tummy time, we “talk,” and eventually she’ll drift off to sleep. I eat lunch and usually drink another cup of coffee. I should nap and read my Bible during this time, but often I try to get things done or just remain unproductive because I’m so tired.

3:00: Christian usually wakes up by now. It’s snack time for him, and I wash my lunch dishes while he eats.

3:15-4:30: Another whirlwind time period, during which I entertain both kids, finish laundry, and if I’ve had a really crazy day, pick up the house and finish getting myself ready “for the day.”

4:30-5:30: We usually go outside. We don’t have a backyard, but we live on a tiny side street, so Christian walks up and down the street and pushes his dump truck. He loves it. I push Eliza in the stroller, following him closely and keeping him away from the busier road in spite of his vehement protests at being hindered from his chosen path. (Wow. Long sentence, anyone?)

5:30-8:00: I give Christian a bath before dinner if he got extra dirty outside. Or I get him started on his dinner. I used to cook in the evening but I’ve been using my crock-pot almost daily instead. A.J. gets home from work and Eliza’s evening fussy period begins around the same time. We juggle both kids, baths, eating dinner (sometimes in shifts), and keeping Christian from attempting all the forbidden actions he especially likes to try in the evening.

8:00-10:00: Christian goes to bed. Eliza kicks up her fussiness a notch. I’m unable to soothe her and A.J. takes about 30-45 minutes getting her to sleep (seriously, this happens almost every evening). By the time she’s finally asleep, we’re about ready for bed too. We finish any cleaning up that needs to be done and get ready to start all over the next day!

Whew… As you can see, it is crazy around here right now. The most challenging part for me is balancing enjoying my children and getting necessary tasks done. If I’m super task-focused, I’m stressed all day because I can never finish anything I start without being interrupted. But it’s not good for my family either for me to lounge around every day doing nothing but hanging out with them.

I have to keep the house running somewhat smoothly and give them plenty of quality time as well. I need a lot of grace to breathe and enjoy my sweet baby while I’m holding her, without focusing on everything that needs to get done… and then to do what needs to get done when it’s time, without getting frustrated that I can’t sit on the couch staring into Eliza’s eyes every minute of the day.

I think I should end this now! Happy Friday, everyone!

Eliza’s Birth: Epilogue

[continued from part 4]

Eliza was whisked away to the other side of the room so the NICU team could ensure she was breathing well and hadn’t aspirated meconium. She was doing fine, so they cleaned her up and returned her to me. Per a new hospital policy, we were given an hour and a half of bonding time in the delivery room before being moved to recovery, and they didn’t take her to give her a bath until I told them I was ready. Since Christian was whisked away not long after he was born, I absolutely relished getting to hold my baby girl and enjoy her for the first hours of her life.

Even in the midst of my happy bonding state, I was hyper-focused on food and asked A.J. to go find me some soup. He came back with a broccoli cheese Soup-in-Hand and I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Who needs elaborate post-labor dinners? I just wanted food! I sipped it while holding my baby and being cleaned up, which makes me laugh to think about now.

My mom had flown down that morning, and she stayed with me in the hospital. In the morning, A.J. brought Christian to meet his little sister. It was a sweet moment. After he’d been there for several minutes and had already “held” her, she started to cry. He burst into sympathy tears and sobbed for a few minutes. We’ll definitely be telling him that story!

We’re so thankful for our little girl, and we’re loving life as a family of four! Thanks for hanging in there with me through this epically long story!