I’ve been here, with my growing babies. Everything is good.

A couple months ago I pulled back from blogging because I felt a need for more privacy. I’ve processed so much of my coming-of-age journey online. And I question how to let my heart pour out in words through my fingertips… without sharing indiscriminately with the world, with anyone who reads.

But I think it’s time to open up a little, for now.

Having Eliza changed me. A few weeks after she was born I turned 25. And suddenly I felt like I had arrived. I was midway through my twenties and had two kids. Life seemed shorter.

I don’t have time to waste. There is only one chance to know and love the Lord, to live and share Christ’s love every day. My life is passing. Our lives are all passing.

When my baby girl was born, something else changed. I somehow gained the courage to try new things. It’s as if the colors around me sharpened a little. I stopped thinking about trying things and now I do them. I feel more equipped and confident. I don’t know where it came from but I’m thankful for it.

The last change has been more of a struggle. Now that I have a husband and children, I feel that I have so much to lose. My heart aches at the bare thought. We are all so frail. Sickness, accidents, disasters, or sin can wipe out everything I hold dear in seconds. I do not hold my life. Or my happiness. Or my marriage. Or my children. Nothing I can do guarantees an outcome I will like.

And on a daily basis, I feel as though I’m squeezed into a tight little box because my children require such constant and close supervision. Everything requires strategic planning because merely leaving the room for 5 seconds could result in a bite or push and a crying baby. Planning to get even the most simple things done (like making supper) makes me anxious because I feel that I will be hindered. Forget any out-of-the-ordinary tasks, especially those with time constraints.

So my anxiety has been a bit off the charts since Eliza’s been born.

When 2012 began I didn’t pick a word of the year. But the one that has kept coming back to me is trust. And I know that’s because I desperately need to learn what that means, along with a deeper understanding of prayer. God has blessed me mightily through His Word in this season, but I feel that there is so much depth to prayer and I need discipline to plumb those depths.

So that is a little glimpse into my life lately. Or I suppose a long glimpse. How are you?

Don’t forget to enter my Salba chia giveaway!

(Our friend Oshea took these pictures for us with his awesome Canon. At least I think it’s a Canon. Either way, it’s a great camera.)

It’s already been a week since I said I was back from my break, so although naptime is so close to being over, I had to hop on and write a quick update.

I’ve been trying to scale back my expectations lately – and catch up on things at the same time. Miss E has been cutting teeth and keeping me up half the night, with a good night here and there. I have to learn I just can’t do everything in this season. But I am making an attempt to catch up on an immense amount of laundry.

This little one turned 6 months old last week! She’s a wobbly sitter, sleeps in her crib like a big girl, and is head over heels for her big brother. It’s so much fun to see them bond.

I love having a baby and I soak up every moment of that first year, but the older they get the more you can communicate with them, and I just love that so much. It’s so fun to connect, make her laugh, and watch how she settles down when we read Noodle Loves Bedtime every night before bed.

Speaking of communication, this one is talking! I love it (most of the time)! We have conversations throughout the day now and I actually feel less lonely at home now that I have a little someone to converse with. I love hearing what’s going through his mind, and piquing his imagination.

He’s also really developed his ability to pretend and play independently, which has been a breath of fresh air. Being able to wash dishes while he takes his Little People for a ride in their school bus and talks to himself is so different than doing it while he hangs on me waiting for me to entertain him.

I write imaginary blog posts all the time, but there just aren’t many spare moments anymore. And that’s okay – it’s a good thing. Happy Monday!

I guess not paying my bill on time meant I got a month-long blog break!

I lost 140 subscribers while I was gone… why, Feedburner, why? Has anyone else had this problem? Sometimes it’s just a reporting issue and all those people are still seeing updates. I sure hope that’s true.

Meanwhile, I’ve been pushing things further and further back on the counters…

Soaking up the baby-preciousness of this one…

And spending a lot of time outside enjoying the summer-like weather.

How are you?

Guilt is not a bad thing, when it’s conviction. I want the Spirit to convict my heart of sin, so I can repent of it and seek Christ for forgiveness and help to obey.

So many times, I’ve read secular websites geared toward moms, and they’re quick to assure you not to feel guilty because you fail as a mom.

On the contrary, as a Christian mother I want to have high standards and ideals. I want to be hard on myself. I want to lay down my life, be the hands and feet of Jesus to my little ones, teach them, train them, play with them, read to them, invest in them selflessly and creatively and constantly.

That’s my ideal. And my calling as a child of God who also happens to be a mother. It’s nothing unusual for a Christian, just the way self-denial and servanthood should play out in my particular role.

But another kind of insidious “guilt” creeps in, masquerading as conviction. I think it can be a form of idolatry though.

You see, I start to think thoughts of fear. What if I become terminally ill? What if one of my children dies? What kind of regrets will I have? Will I regret doing the dishes instead of playing with them? Will I wish I hadn’t been so relieved when it was bedtime? Will I feel like I failed them as a mother?

These fears lead to a pervasive feeling of guilt following me through my days. I know my children are more important than my work. But common sense tells me that for a home to function, it’s necessary for me to do basic work like laundry and dishes, which means that I can’t give 100% of my attention to my children at all times.

Even though I spend tons of time with them, I have this constant fear that I’m not enjoying them enough or doing enough. That I’m not fun enough. I wish I could stop being so tired so I could enjoy them more. I feel guilty for counting down the hours till naptime.

I’ve been really trying to sort this out in my head and heart lately. What is the difference between serving Jesus by pouring out my life for my children, and a constant nagging worry that I’m not being enough?

I think it comes down to a) accepting my finitude, and b) not idolizing my children. Or to combine the two points, God has given me a finite amount of ability and energy, and a limited amount of time with my children, and He wants me to trust Him with that.

I am not perfect. I am not the source of light and life and salvation. I am not inherently righteous. I am not the way to God. I am not the Savior of the world. Jesus is all of those things. When I fail as a mother, He covers my sin with His grace. And in humility I must accept that I am a finite, fallen creature, with a limited time on this earth, and children who are finite as well. I must not seize onto each moment with trembling hands, afraid that it will be taken away if I don’t squeeze all the sweetness out of it.

I must open my hands. I know I must leave my sin and self behind to walk in life with Jesus my Savior. May I never tell myself that it’s okay to lower my standards as a mom. But may I not seek to hold onto my children as if they are mine to keep. May I lean on Christ for strength and grace, knowing that in myself I can never be what my children need in a mother.

Tomorrow I can live in joy with my children, not because I’m such a great mom, or because I perfectly cherish every moment, but because they are gifts from the Giver of all good things, and because He is my life.

I have a feeling I’ll be saying this every year, but it just doesn’t seem possible that my sweet baby is another year older.

He’s not much of a baby anymore, either (although sometimes he pretends to be).

He’s a bona fide toddler, and he’s turning into a little boy.

His second year has been filled with my pregnancy and the arrival of his baby sister, but I hope and pray he doesn’t feel replaced, just enriched by the added love (and craziness!) in our home.

He’s beginning to show more of a desire to please us – for example, sometimes he’ll actually bring us something we ask for, instead of throwing it across the room while whispering, “Ka!!”

I’m getting such a kick out of all the words and phrases he can say. We can almost have conversations now… okay, maybe we’re not quite there yet, but it’s right around the corner.

I can’t imagine my life without Christian. I’m so glad God gave him to us.

[Ironically, this post was cut short by the end of naptime... there's so much more I could've written!]

I’ve been reading and enjoying, but honestly, it’s hard enough keeping up with the people I know in real life, much less with blog friends. As much as I love the blogosphere, real-life relationships have to come first… but I do comment and respond when I can. Since you were all worried.

I keep waiting for things to calm down a little, but if anything they’ve gotten crazier in the past month – except that Eliza has started having much better evenings, which makes all the difference (especially when she’s up half the night, like last night).

I’m really enjoying reading myself to sleep like I used to do when I was younger, and I can’t believe how many books I can finish that way. Here are the ones I’ve completed since my last update, and here’s my rating system:

***** Loved it, would definitely read again
**** Liked it, would recommend
*** It was OK
** Didn’t like it
* Hated it

Protecting the Gift, Gavin de Becker ****

In the follow-up to the bestselling The Gift of Fear (I shared my thoughts in this entry), de Becker shares how intuition and risk assessment can be used as a parent. Although it too includes some disturbing stories, I found it very useful and informative, and I think it would be beneficial for any parent to read.

I’ll Cross the River, C. Hope Flinchbaugh ****

This third book in the trilogy featuring Mei Lin, a Christian in China’s persecuted church, was an inspiring and heartbreaking look into both evangelism in China and life in the restricted nation of North Korea. It’s not a feel-good story, and it doesn’t have the most sparkling prose or well-paced story arc, but it’s still riveting and convicting. There were a couple of theological issues I had with it (a chapter on heaven that wasn’t very biblical, and the pervasiveness of female preachers), but I would definitely recommend it.

Sunrise on the Battery, Beth Webb Hart *****

This book was a pleasant surprise. Beth Webb Hart is one of my favorite Christian authors because she writes very well and weaves a deftly written story. Sunrise on the Battery was well-written also, but the storyline about Christianity and what it means to be a radical believer was unexpected (since her previous novels were more general on the topic of faith). I loved it.

I didn’t read this book because I’m going on a diet. It’s not really a diet book, anyway. Instead it describes the eat-clean lifestyle.

"Clean food is anything nutritious that is as close as possible to how it occurs in nature” (p. 256). Reno focuses on lean protein, whole grains, vegetables, and fruit. She advocates eating five or six small meals per day, each including a lean protein and a complex carb.

I’ve been eating this way more and more over the past several months. It wasn’t a plan. I became interested in clean eating after Eliza was born, while I was posting in an online food journaling group, and seeing the way other people incorporated clean foods into their lifestyle.

I’ll share a little of my history with food: I’ve never been overweight, but my weight has gone up and down, especially during college while I was drinking soda and eating cafeteria food and lots of late-night snacks. To me, healthy eating meant cutting calories. But of course, focusing only on restriction isn’t very sustainable, so I would always quickly go back to my old habits.

When I married A.J., I learned a lot of healthy eating basics from him – eating whole wheat instead of white flour, using natural peanut butter, and keeping an eye on sodium intake. For the most part, though, I continued eating whatever I felt like until I was pregnant with Eliza.

I realized that as I continued to get older and go through pregnancies, I wasn’t going to be able to eat whatever I wanted without physical consequences. As I became more interested in exercise, I wanted to learn to eat well too.

Several months later, I wanted to read The Eat-Clean Diet because I’d heard it mentioned so many times and knew it was a good overview. I don’t and won’t follow its “rules” exactly. Rather than eating identical small meals, I tend to eat three bigger meals and two smaller snacks. I don’t time my meals or plan them rigidly. I don’t stress out if every meal and snack doesn’t include protein. And I definitely don’t eat perfectly!

But what I do is avoid processed foods as much as possible and focus on a daily balance of lean protein, whole grains, fruits, and veggies. I plan out our dinners, but for breakfast, lunch, and snacks I just choose from the clean foods I keep on hand.

The Eat-Clean Diet is a good introduction to clean eating, and I enjoyed all the scientific explanations of why it’s good for your body. But honestly, I learned a lot more from reading blogs and online food journaling. Reading just this book might make you feel like you have to do it her way, but I’ve seen people “eat clean” many different ways – something I’m sure the author would agree with.

And a side note: eating clean does not have to be expensive or complicated. I have some wish list foods that I would eat regularly if they were cheaper, like almond butter and chia seeds. But pricey products aren’t necessary. And eating this way is very simple when it’s part of a routine.

To finish up, here are a few blogs that have helped me learn more about clean eating:

The Gracious Pantry
Think Pretty Thoughts
Clean Eating Chelsea (gluten-free)
Oh She Glows (vegan)

I’m writing from the comfort of my living room couch, where a sweet baby (who just woke up from her second brief catnap of the day) is smiling at me from her glider. Normally I wouldn’t be blogging while she’s awake, but since there are very few waking hours in the day when she and her older brother are asleep simultaneously, I allow myself to be distracted sometimes if she seems content (and I’m hoping she’ll fall back asleep).

My little 12-hour-a-night sleeper has definitely regressed. I knew it would happen. She wakes up after she goes to bed, she wakes up in the middle of the night, she wakes up early in the morning. Thus, I’m actually more tired now than I was when she was a few weeks old.

Plus there’s the cumulative effect of sleep deprivation, the sense of isolation, the cramped and anxious feeling of not having guaranteed alone time to recharge, and this recent struggle to just barely keep ahead of depression, as if it’s a dog nipping at my heels.

I read a blog post the other day about trying to write while sleep deprived, and the author compared it to driving through fog. That phrase brought to mind vivid reminiscences of our trip to Ohio, which included a scary, middle-of-the-night trek over foggy, curving mountain highways, barely able to see ahead to the next bend.

I told A.J. yesterday that’s how I’ve felt for the past couple of weeks. Through the haze of sleep deprivation and taking care of endless needs, it’s as if I can barely see what’s ahead. I certainly can’t see any practical relief in the near future. I just do what’s there. What’s right in front of me. Over and over again.

God leads me to cry out to Him in times like these. Often that’s after my terrible, selfish attitude is revealed. Clearly I think I have a right to an easy life. And that’s the exact opposite of what His Word tells me.

Not only do my “trials” stem from great blessings (a husband, children, health, a home, the option of not working), but they are so, so small compared to what I might be facing. It’s not a cliché to say that – it’s the truth, and in considering my trials joy, I have to also remember that they are small – that God wants to show me His faithfulness and sufficiency in these little but relentless steps of dying to myself every day.

Meanwhile, I’ve managed to cram in some reading during my almost nonexistent free time. A $5 book light has helped a lot, so I can read before I go to sleep (since Eliza still sleeps in our room). Here are my most recent reads:

Daughter of China, C. Hope Flinchbaugh [reread] *****

This small novel is a glimpse into China’s persecuted church. Mei Lin is a teenage Christian who ends up imprisoned for her faith. Although I would’ve enjoyed more glimpses into the characters’ inner lives rather than just a recounting of events, the story is still a moving and seemingly honest portrayal of believers in a restricted nation. I love the way the believers treasure copies of Scripture and their time of fellowship together. Daughter of China has far more worthwhile content than many other Christian novels.

The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker ***

Based on Amy’s summary of de Becker’s book Protecting the Gift, I picked up this book about violence, intuition, and the role fear plays in self-protection. I enjoyed the first part of the book, which discusses how intuition works, and gives indicators of behavior that may lead to a crime. I appreciated de Becker’s explanation that most violence is not random or without warning, and that worry can be a signal of intuition but is often simply an unproductive choice – while fear is a legitimate, involuntary, and useful response to an actual risk. However, because of the disturbing real-life examples used and a couple instances of strong language, I wouldn’t recommend The Gift of Fear.

Remembering You, Tricia Goyer (unfinished)

I found this book in the library’s new release section and read the first five chapters hoping it would be an interesting glimpse into World War II history through a contemporary lens. But I just couldn’t get past the tame romance novel feel, with phrases like, “He… glanced at her with those sexy, dark eyes,” and, “He forced a small smile, but it was still beautiful to her. More beautiful than the Paris skyline beyond.” (I have, though, enjoyed some of Tricia Goyer’s historical novels, like Arms of Deliverance and Dawn of a Thousand Nights.)

That’s all for now… I hope you have a great weekend.

Any mother will probably relate to the scenario I’m about to describe. This morning at about 9:00 am (having been up since 5:45 except for a 15-minute snooze), I sat down to eat my bowl of oatmeal. The baby, whom I had just put down for her nap, started to cry in her bassinet.

So I went back to put her pacifier in, and when I came out Christian was standing in the middle of the living room holding two eggs and gently tapping them together (note to self: replace broken fridge lock).

I managed to finish the rest of my breakfast in between running back and forth putting the baby’s pacifier in, but she ended up being inconsolable and I took her out to comfort her. Meanwhile, Christian climbed into his high chair, which was accessible because I had taken the dirty breakfast tray off and hadn’t had a chance to wash it yet.

He was unable to get out and sat there crying while I was trying to rock Eliza back to sleep. I got him out and for the next two hours, I tried various methods to get Eliza down for her normal morning nap. She held out like a champion (albeit a very unhappy one) the entire time.

Finally, she exhibited a possible concrete purpose for her insomnia, and I went to change her in Christian’s room. I heard him open the fridge and after stabilizing Eliza’s situation I went to investigate.

I found him yet again standing in the living room holding two eggs. I tried to take them, and although he’s usually cooperative when I take forbidden objects away, this time (possibly feeling neglected by my divided attention all morning), he threw himself on the floor screaming, and in the process cracked an egg all over the carpet.

Right now he’s eating a sandwich while I quickly type out this chronicle so I don’t forget to laugh at it later. Eliza’s still wide awake, hanging out in her glider. The mystery insomnia continues. But naptime approaches, and although I haven’t combed my hair or washed the dishes, I think overall this morning could’ve gone worse. Don’t you?

Face to the ground, I’m not proud
Of all You must see when You look at me
I tremble at first as You wash the dirt
The dirt from my feet
And I see my need for Thee

You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One
When I but come, You’re enough, You’re enough
You fill me up with Your love, with Your love
To You I run, Holy One, Holy One

~*~

{hanging out in her glider while I fixed lunch this morning}

Gratefulness is a powerful antidote to discouragement. This morning as I washed the breakfast dishes (at 10 am, in my pj’s), I sensed God reminding me of the blessings of being a full-time homemaker – not having to leave my little ones; listening to worship music throughout the day; answering to my husband instead of an employer; not having to clock in every morning!

~*~

I just tried to make this, and it sure didn’t turn out like the pictures:

{photo & recipe: pumpkin spice latte for one}

But for the most part, I’ve loved the recipes on Katie’s blog – it’s a healthy dessert blog, and I’ve tried the pumpkin chocolate chip muffin and the carrot cake milkshake and they were both so good.

~*~

To finish up, here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

{at my parents’ house over the holidays}

{lemons beat out Christmas presents for his toy of choice during our visit}

{four generations: my nana, mamma, me, and Eliza}

{you can tell we live in Florida… short sleeves in December}

{A.J. and Christian eating lunch… Christian’s talking on an imaginary phone}

{Little clingy baby… she has a cold}

Well, someone decided she’d prefer to stay up and hang out with me rather than finish her nap, so I’m off for now. Happy New Year, a little late!