I Want to Be Like Her
In my imagination, I lived in India and China and Africa growing up. Reading biographies of faithful women impacted my heart. I still resonate with their stories today, even more in some senses.
Who are some of your favorite Christian women to read about?
Stay-at-Home and Working Moms: My Thoughts
I’m a stay-at-home mom, and that automatically places me on one side of a cultural debate: whether it’s best for moms to stay home with their young children or work outside the home. From my lifestyle choice, I clearly believe there is validity to the stay-at-home option. But it may be unclear what I think about the working-outside-the-home option.
Of course, what matters isn’t what I think, but what God’s Word says. The verse most commonly used in defense of the position that women should stay home is Titus 2:5: “to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
This post is a brief summary of my view and not an in-depth Scriptural analysis, but I reached my conclusions after studying other Scriptures as well. What is clear in Scripture is that women, especially wives and mothers, are to make the home a high priority. What is not clear is exactly what this will look like for every woman in every situation in every culture.
The Bible simply doesn’t set out arbitrary lifestyle rules in this area. You will not find any verses that say it is wrong for a woman to work outside the home (the Proverbs 31 woman even bought and sold outside the home).
Another point to remember is that this debate is often framed by culture, even in Christian circles. We have the black-and-white options of staying at home, working at home, working outside the home part-time, or working outside the home full-time. We have various childcare options.
Women in many other cultures do not have options. Sometimes they must do hard labor just to eke out a meager survival. Sometimes their income is simply necessary in the household. Sometimes extended families live together and some of the women may work in various capacities while others will primarily be invested for caring for the children. It is easy to make swift, narrow applications based on a prosperous middle-class American mindset.
That doesn’t mean we can’t make practical applications using wisdom from the principles found in Scripture. Principle: The home is to be a high priority for every woman. Principle: Children need godly instruction. And the list goes on.
For me, the very first application I can make is that I shouldn’t look down on other families for their choices. Clearly there are many ungodly homes and terrible situations for children, but the mere fact that a mom works outside the home isn’t one of them. I shouldn’t draw hard and fast rules from Scripture that don’t exist, then use them to judge other families.
There are often many factors that play into a mom’s decision to work outside the home. Maybe she doesn’t want to work outside the home but her husband wants her to. Maybe her family legitimately needs the income. Maybe they’ve arranged for her to bring in a part-time income to help pay off debt. Or maybe they’ve simply decided that’s what’s best for their family at the time.
Our personal application in this area is that it is best in most cases for a mother of young children to stay home with them as much as possible. For biblical and practical reasons, I think young children need their mother’s care and instruction, and furthermore, I think it is the husband’s responsibility to be the primary provider.
It is my joy to stay home. We make sacrifices so I can. And I am thankful that I have the opportunity to do what we believe is best for our children in this area.
I see nothing wrong with encouraging mothers to turn their hearts toward home and consider staying with their children full-time if they have that option – not in a judgmental way, but showing how it is a good application of truths from Scripture.
All right, friends – what do you think? Your turn for the soapbox…
Photos: 1 2
Weekend Links, Vol. 5
Photo by Stuck in Customs
Thank you all dearly for your kind comments on Thursday’s post. Your outpouring of encouragement meant so much to me.
- The Contentment of Gratitude :: Dancing by the Light
- How to Become a Lady :: Cross-Eyed Blog and Webzine
- Finding Free Images for Your Blog :: Blogging Your Way
- How to Survive a Busy Season :: girl talk
- Infertility and His Perfect Plans :: Through Clouded Glass
Have a great weekend!
I was having some trouble accessing the first link after I posted this; let me know if you’re having similar issues, and I’ll replace it.
11 Ways to Disrespect Your Husband
Photo by Conor Keller
In How to Be a Biblical Wife I shared five principles of biblical submission from The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace.
Those positive principles are convicting enough… but wait until you read what she says about the negative side of submission. Here are 11 ways not to be submissive, paraphrased from pp. 151-153:
1. Annoying or vexing your husband.
2. Not disciplining the children as you should, even after your husband asks you to.
3. Being more loyal to others than to your husband.
4. Arguing, pouting, or giving him the cold shoulder when you don’t get your own way.
5. Not staying within the limits of your budget.
6. Correcting your husband, interrupting him, talking for him, and being too outspoken when others are around.
7. Manipulating him to get your own way. You may manipulate by deceit, tears, begging, nagging, complaining, anger, or intimidation.
8. Making important decisions without consulting him (unless he has instructed you to).
9. Directly defying his wishes.
10. Worrying about the decisions he makes and taking matters into your own hands.
11. Not paying attention to what he says.
If you’re like me, this list may leave you cold. Discouraged. Yes, I do that. And that. And that.
Martha finishes with an encouraging statement: “In the areas where you know you have failed, you should take a few minutes and confess your sins to the Lord (1 John 1:9). Then go to your husband and ask his forgiveness. It may be best for you to be specific and give examples. Your attitude should be humble, focusing at this time on what you have done wrong. You can begin today to be a gentle, godly, submissive wife to your husband. It is the heart of God for you.” (p. 153)
If my goal is only to have a great marriage and make sure my husband treats me well, avoiding the above mistakes will be impossible. The only true and lasting motivation will come through relying on the grace of God in Christ for me, and desiring to please and obey Him.
Learning to submit…
How to Be a Biblical Wife
Photo by Amy V. Miller
My title is a little ironic, since there is no 12-step program to become a biblical anything. It’s a work of grace in the heart through faith. But that grace drives us toward obedience and learning what the will of the Lord is.
Here are “Five Biblical Principles Concerning the Wife’s Submission,” paraphrased from The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. Conviction, conviction, conviction! Are you ready?
1. Submit to your husband in all things unless he asks you to sin.
“The husband is the head of the home, and the wife is to submit to even very small and seemingly unimportant requests or directives from him because they are important to him.” (p. 143)
2. Do not be afraid to do the right thing.
“A submissive wife is not afraid of doing the ‘right thing.’ She entrusts herself to God, knowing that in difficulty, God will give her the grace she needs to get through it at the very time she needs it.” (p. 146)
3. Be submissive even if your husband is not a Christian.
“When a Christian woman is married to an unbeliever, her responsiblity is to live a godly life and respond to her husband with respect. Her attitude should be one of being for him and not against him.” (p. 146)
4. Do not dishonor the Word of God.
“When a wife is not submissive to her husband, she brings shame to God’s Word because she is not living up to the standard God has clearly laid out for the godly wife.” (p. 148)
5. Seek training and counsel on submission from a godly older woman.
“Part of this instruction involved the older woman instructing the younger woman in what she is doing wrong biblically. If the younger woman is wise, she will listen to the ‘life-giving reproof’ and eventually ‘acquire wisdom’ (Prov. 15:32, 33).” (p. 150)
You might have a tough time agreeing with these ideas. Or you might be like me and think they are great in theory… but much more difficult to put into practice!
A.J. mentioned to me something our pastor said recently to the men: focus on your responsibility to love your wife, not your wife’s responsibility to submit to you. And I think in the same way I should focus on my responsibility to submit, not his responsibility to love me.
Before I got married, I thought this would be easier than it is. I didn’t picture myself arguing, being sarcastic, questioning, manipulating, etc. I thought I was better than that. Was I ever wrong. By God’s grace I seek to submit, and it is a long journey toward obedience.
Why So Many Mommy Bloggers?
Photo by ~K~
Welcome back to the series “Is It Really That Hard?” You can catch up by reading the intro and part 1.
The message board criticism that sparked this series was levelled at moms who overplay their role – specifically mommy bloggers.
You all seem to agree with me that balancing our roles as women is difficult, especially when you add kids into the mix. Anyone who claims it’s easy just doesn’t understand.
But the comments about mommy bloggers did get me thinking. Why are there so many of us, and what is our purpose?
The answers to that question are as varied as the thousands of mommy blogs in existence. Yet I think some of the comments on the first post in this series provide fascinating insights.
Naomi said, “While it’s not the main reason I blog, being lonely is one reason. Talking to my kids all day with no other feedback is hard.”
Sarah added, “For me, the blogging and reading the blogs of others is a way to confirm that I am not alone and to find strength to attempt to do my jobs well.”
Stephanie agreed: “I think a lot of ‘mommy-bloggers’ (like myself!) don’t have the time/resources/whatever to socialize regularly with friends (especially friends who can relate to their specific situation), so they gladly reach out to the online world in search of companionship, empathy, connectedness – even just an anchor somewhere in all the happy chaos.”
LeAnna said, “Because we (as new mothers) are ALL supremely busy trying to get into routines, and figure out what works for us on a day-to-day basis, we don’t really have time to spend socializing outside of the home. Not that we don’t ever, but compared to high school, college, and working-outside-the home years, we really don’t! Think about it, we used to interact with dozens of people on a day to day basis, and now we’re elated for trips to Target, walks in the park, and time spent with what girlfriends we have that can relate.”
The common thread seems to be that stay-at-home motherhood is uniquely isolating. It’s a wonderful privilege and opportunity, but like any other role in life, it has its challenges, and loneliness is one of them.
Not long after Christian was born, I read a biography of Abigail Adams. What struck me is how women of her day kept connected by letter writing, even to people they didn’t know very well or hadn’t met. This reminded me of blogging and the online socialization women do today. So Melanie’s comment struck a chord with me:
“I blog because God gave me a message and heart that wants to connect with others. Blogging is like letter writing in a sense, only it has more than one recipient. I’ve been learning the importance of having godly relationships in my life. Connecting with other Christians and REALLY fellowshipping with them feeds God’s Spirit within me. And the blogs I read that are authored by SAHMs are a part of those relationships… I can honestly attest to the grace and blessings I have received because homemakers blog!”
I wholeheartedly agree with Melanie. While I want to emphasize that blogging can be an idol and online socializing can replace genuine fellowship, it can also be a gift and a tool for growth and building friendships. I have been impacted by so many of you whom I’ve met in this online sphere.
So as long as we sense the Lord’s blessing, let’s continue our modern-day letter-writing, thanking Him for the gift of connection with sisters in Christ!
Does Theology Matter for Women?
What does the word theology mean to you?
For many, this stiff and solemn word conjures up images of dusty hardback books, dim library aisles, and dull hour-long sermons.
And as a busy woman, the concept of theology might not even cause a blip on your radar screen. If you’re a wife and mother in the season of diapers, sleep training, ABC’s, and tantrums, the idea of studying anything might be overwhelming.
I can relate. Gone are the days when I immersed myself in thick tomes per the directions of my syllabus. No longer do I have assignments to read the entire book of Romans once a week, or write a paper on the fulfillment of Messianic promises.
Instead, I am tired much of the time. I am busy… chasing a baby who army-crawls toward shoes and electrical wires… making dinner and washing dishes… sorting, washing, and folding laundry… grocery shopping and meal planning… cleaning bathrooms and sweeping floors.
And when I am done, or too tired to continue, sadly I am often too lazy to make the effort to read something significant. Or anything at all.
I don’t mean to complain. I love my job. I love being a wife and mother, and I take joy in it from the moment I get my sweet baby out of his crib in the morning, showering his cheeks with kisses. But it’s exhausting. And it’s easy to use my busyness as an excuse to forget the important things. The eternal things.
After all, Jesus didn’t come just to be positive and encouraging (contrary to what many Christian radio stations would have you believe). He has a powerful message. He makes demands. His words pierce like a sword. He calls out hypocrites. He calls out sinners. He is in very nature God.
Theology is the study of God.
And it matters! It matters eternally! It is not irrelevant. It is not meant to be left to professors and scholars. What we believe about God, down to the details, affects our eternity and our lives here on earth profoundly.
If we fear this God, if we truly want to know Him, if we love Him, then we will study Him. We should not use the excuse of being wives and mothers. God wants the women of His church to be rock-solid in their theology. To understand His sovereignty. To understand His jealousy. To understand His love. And to be growing in knowledge and grace.
Does this mean I have to read 100 pages of Calvin’s Institutes daily? Hardly! Does this mean I become a legalist or reduce my faith to mere intellectualism? No!
It just means I need to care. It means I need to have a heart to study the Lord and His attributes…
- through His revealed Word, the Bible,
- and through the Biblically grounded teaching of faithful Christians.
Studying theology will look different for me than for you. It might be as simple as meditating deeply on Hebrews 10:10 for 10 minutes before my day begins… or listening to a sermon while I’m washing dishes… or learning what God’s immutable attributes are.
Not so I can be a know-it-all who thinks I’m always right… but because learning to know and love the Lord is never a waste, but the greatest lesson in the universe.
Is being a wife, mom, and homemaker really that hard?
Photo by ~K~
Recently I was browsing an online message board that linked to one of my posts. (They liked it, which surprised me, since most of their posts are negative… so this isn’t to return criticism for criticism!)
One of their posts was about women who are wives and mothers (especially those who stay home full-time, I presume), and blog about their homemaking. Apparently we do it to make ourselves seem important.
“It’s really not that hard,” the poster said (this is a very loose paraphrase based on my memory only). “These women write about their organizational plans and share supposedly helpful tips just to make their work seem more important. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to watch kids and keep a house clean.”
This raised my defenses, since I fit right into that class – stay-at-home mommy bloggers.
Rather than writing a kneejerk response, though, I wanted to think about their claim a little further.
I think those of us living this life would say, of course it’s hard. Of course it’s challenging and requires self-sacrifice and servanthood. Of course it stretches us beyond anything we’d ever imagined.
But are zealous for recognition? Do we congratulate ourselves on our heroic work, when really we’re only doing our minimum duty? Do we take our eyes off Christ and fix them on ourselves?
I know I’m guilty of all of the above on a regular basis.
I’ll be writing more about this in the days to come in a series entitled Is It Really That Hard?
What are your thoughts? Do you think wives and mothers exaggerate our responsibilities and ignore our comforts and privileges? Do you feel the need for recognition in your role, or are you content to serve unknown?
Church & Culture Femininity Homemaking Marriage Mothering Walking with the Lord 3 comments
Stepford wife… or Proverbs 31 woman?
“Do you feel like a Stepford wife?”
That’s the question Courtney from Women Living Well received when she talked about homemaking and husband-serving on a radio program.
She responded to the question in an encouraging vlog that I hope you’ll take the time to watch. It’s a good reminder that we stay-at-home wives and moms shouldn’t feel ashamed for what we’re doing, as if it’s somehow less valuable than what we could be doing.
(By posting this, I am not saying that the only way to be a true Proverbs 31 woman is to be a stay-at-home mom. I’m sure that’s not what Courtney means either. But it is very encouraging for those of us whom God has called to be at home for our families right now.)
We’re All the Same… But Different
First, a little plug - I have a new favorite blog: Like a Warm Cup of Coffee. Sarah Mae tackles difficult subjects with grace and truth. She uses her blog as a platform for encouragement and exhortation. She keeps it personal; she writes about her own life. But it’s not all about her. You can tell her focus is reaching out to others.
(Some of my favorite posts: Overcoming Laziness, It’s Hard to Be a Stay-at-Home Mommy, Wife, & Homemaker, Soon and Very Soon, and I’m Not Only Not My Own, I’m Not My Own! [boy, do I need to take that last one to heart.])
Now, on to one of her most recent posts. It’s titled Joyce Meyer (uh-oh… controversy alert!). She writes,
“Popular.
Effective.
Engaging.
Missing the mark.“
…and quotes 1 Timothy 2:12 and 3:15, which say that women are not to teach or be in authority over men. I enjoyed the ensuing discussion. My favorite comment was by Courtney:
“C.H. Spurgeon said, ‘It’s mere cant to cry, “We are evangelical, we are all evangelical!” but decline to define what that is…’
Under the umbrella of ‘evangelical’ there is a vast array of bad theology presented. Addressing and defining our differences is important for the purity of the church.”
I love that. It encapsulates the importance of good theology. Not to cause divisions and quarrels, but because what we believe about God is so important.
