Hope Road

Boxes

Just now I came across the blog of someone I used to do ministry with a few years ago. I scanned through some of her entries, and read about where she’s been ministering and what her hopes and dreams are after graduation. And I just started thinking, when did I start dreaming small? I know I dream bigger than some people, but seriously, I used to dream so much bigger than I do now. When did I become so afraid? When did I start thinking inside the box? Why can’t I break free and be up for anything, like I used to be? Can’t I find the balance between craziness and realism? What would happen if I opened my hands and let go of all these fears and regrets I’m holding on to? What might be around the corner? How would I feel if I stopped dreading the unknown and started embracing it? If I started making plans in spite of financial issues? If I quit slapping the “impossible” label on everything I really want to do? If I trusted?

I had to laugh at myself today
For thinking about how I had it made
And day after day just slips away
As if I’ve got it figured out

I’m so used to being comfortable
To life being uninterruptable
But that’s not what I’m about

I’m gonna live outside the box today
And capture everything around me
Thank the Lord for what surrounds me
Maybe I’ll just throw the box away
‘Cause it’s so much better out here anyway

I’m tired of my life being typical
Why should it have to be predictable?
Life can be irresistible
And that’s what I’m finding out

I’m seeing things from a different view
Closing my eyes and trusting You
‘Cause that’s what I’m all about

Thank You for the life You’ve given me
Thank You for the way You make me free to be
Someone who can look at every day
Seeing all the beauty You have made

(Alli Rogers, “Boxes”)

I think I’ll throw the box away.

across a distant sea

I’ve been kind of silent here this week, haven’t I? I’ve posted links, quotes, a meme, and a short random entry, and I haven’t gotten around to writing part two of Spirituality in Opposite-Gender Friendships.

Sometimes, there’s just not much to say. I’ve been following the Uganda bloggers all week, and it’s been beautifully heartbreaking. Those are the only words I can think of to describe it.

See, I’ve been through this journey. A journey that, as a privileged, relatively wealthy young American living in the twenty-first century, I can hardly avoid. And more importantly, a journey that, as a follower of Jesus, I can hardly avoid. It’s simply brought into more bold and pressing relief by the technology and privilege of who I am and where I live.

And this journey is coming face with how I feel about poverty. And what I’m going to do about it.

Sophomore year, I really came to a breaking point, wondering how we dare use a more expensive brand of shampoo or drink soda or have any luxuries at all when people are dying and starving. I don’t know how I resolved those issues in my mind. There are lingering questions, but I did come to peace with a more moderate frugality.

Yet now, this issue is returning. Even though I have seen so many of the images and heard so many of the stories, I am not desensitized. And these stories from Uganda, they are awakening me all over again. How I love to see the hope in these children’s eyes. One young boy was asked by Carlos, what was his favorite thing about coming to the Compassion program. And he said, when we go to class and they teach us about Jesus. Speaking in that soft, formal voice with a British accent - that lovely African voice.

See, I have no answers. Only questions. I do not want to leave all this behind. I am at a unique place in life now. I have the opportunity to make choices that will determine how I will live my future. But what do I do? Where do I go? Where can I make a difference? How do the paths of missions and social justice combine? Can I live in the States and follow Christ the way I am supposed to? Are my fears legitimate?

I don’t know, I don’t know. I have so many fears, so much anxiety even in leading this simple, comfortable life here in this privileged country. How could I live it somewhere else?

There are no cliches, only the hard truth I face up to when I am facedown.

He is enough… for them and for me.

take my dreams

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it’s burning bright for You
It’s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord, with You
There’s nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father’s hand

My hands, my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me                                  (lyrics)

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I don’t know what’s ahead. But I’m tired of being held back by my own fears. What does it mean? Again, I just don’t know. The possibilities are endless… I can’t wait to see what’s next!

It’s been a bit of a crazy few weeks here at school. Just one thing after another. Do you ever have those times of heightened self-awareness, when you feel like you’re learning new things about yourself, and just your own becoming, moment by moment? It’s the whole growing up thing, I think.

I’m going to read Taking Flight by Elisabeth Elliot soon. I got it for my high school graduation, started to read it, then realized it was more apropos for college graduation. So I’ve been waiting to read it for almost four years. I can’t believe that time is almost over. I truly can’t.

On that note, it’s time for bed.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Cor. 5:14-15)

Saying Goodbye

The other day, I finished watching the last episode of the last season of Gilmore Girls. It involves college graduation and lots of sentimental goodbyes. I could not stop crying as I was watching it - yes, I’m sappy like that (and just to warn you, this whole entry is pretty sappy). But seriously, there are so many goodbyes looming ahead of me in the next six months. And I dread every single one of them. I have grown to hate goodbyes over the last four years.

I know I’ll be excited for what all of my friends are going off to do. And I know I’ll be excited for wherever God is leading me. That will soften the blow a little. But still, these are people who I have been friends with for a few years now, and I’m just not ready to watch them walk out of my life. And I probably won’t be living with my family, either… although it could happen. But if not, and I live far away, it will have such a note of finality… why would I need to come back for good after that?

I’m so thankful that I live in this day and age, though. We can travel so quickly and communicate in so many ways. But goodbyes are still hard. One feature of heaven that has grown more and more lovely in my mind is that we will never have to say goodbye.

The Bend in the Road

“When I left Queen’s [high school] my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I’m going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes - what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows - what new landscapes - what new beauties - what curves and hills and valleys further on.” (Anne in Anne of Green Gables, ch. 38)

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Imagining the year ahead at the beginning of a new one is always a bit like looking at that bend in the road. No one but the Lord knows exactly what the future will bring. But this year, for me, a major life change is about to take place. I’m graduating from college (finally!) and I have no certainty about what is going to happen afterwards. In years past, I could see the future laid out before me like a neat map. Another year of school, another summer vacation. Another round of work and play.

But this time, the road is bending, and the future is shrouded in fog. It is frightening to think that after May passes, I have no idea where I will be. And it is especially scary to ponder the coming of next fall - the season when I have started a new school year for the past sixteen years. School will be no more. Will my life be strangely empty without it? Will I be content where I am? Will I be happy? Will I feel alone and anxious about what life has for me?

Instead of dreading the bend in the road with those thoughts, I prefer to see it as Anne did - as holding “a fascination of its own.” Of course, life changes are intimidating. And yet they are invigorating and adventurous. There is not much of a dull round of sameness to dread for me in 2008. I will be saying goodbye to the old, and welcoming the new, whatever that may be. There is so much possibility in that. “I dwell in possibility,” wrote Emily Dickinson. It is indeed a delightful reality to dwell in.

So here’s to the delightful possibilities around the bend in the road of 2008. I’m so excited to find out what this year will bring, and I’m so curious about what I’ll be doing on January 1, 2009. The Lord only knows, and I’m happy to leave that knowledge to Him for now. I’ll just keep following the road.

For the Love of Writing

The feeling never changes - anticipation mixed with a little anxiety. It’s the blank screen, the empty page, the blinking cursor, the tapping of my pen on the paper as I ponder what words will be formed. I anticipate the rush of expressing myself, the satisfaction of choosing just the right word. I am anxious because even though I’ve written well in the past, there’s no guarantee that will extend into the future. The words still have to be written. It’s not as if it gets any easier with time. More natural, yes. Easier, no.

More and more, this is what I want to do. With my life, I mean. I want to work for an organization that I’m passionate about being a part of. And I want to write, or edit. I want to work with the words that shape their vision, their projects. I want to be a part of Kingdom building through this medium. I don’t know if that’s what God wants yet. But it’s encouraging, hopeful, to have a direction and a desire.

That being said, I’m not writing a novel anymore. That shouldn’t surprise most of you. I am absolutely swamped with schoolwork, and when I don’t even make time to have a quiet time during the day, I don’t think I should be trying to make writing a novel a priority. Thanks very much for your encouragement, though!

Meanwhile, you all get to suffer through enjoy my randomosity and ramblings. Sometimes I don’t even know what I want to share when I click “new post.” Other times, I get an idea during the day and think, I have to remember to blog about that! It’s my only way to really fulfill my creative urges right now. I hope to get time sometime soon to submit queries to a few online magazines I’d like to write for. But until that time, I’m left with good ol’ hope road. Thanks for subscribing, reading, and commenting. I love to know that people are reading what I’m writing.

Procrastination

This has been the story of my life for the past couple of hours. Amazing all the different ways one can find to procrastinate, especially online. I am pretty well caught on my blog-reading, my Facebook-updating, my blog-updating, and my Xanga-browsing. Now what is there left to do? Oh, maybe I should work on that 8-10-page paper that’s due next Tuesday. That might be good.

dreaming…

[reposted; see Monday's entry]

Hoping, planning, and dreaming are such major components of this stage of life. Plans for next year are constantly being thought about and discussed. There are so many fears, wishes, and hopes. I was thinking yesterday about my little “life plan” - the direction I’d like my life to take and the major things I want it to include. I realized it’s really okay to dream up a life plan, as long as I don’t cling to it too tightly. But it’s okay because it helps me know what kind of person I want to be, so I can choose directions wisely. Even though God is the one doing the controlling and directing, it’s still good for me to have an idea, a “blueprint,” to go by as I build my life under His guidance.

And I want to dream big, for His mission, His glory, His church, His kingdom in my oh-so-small life and sphere. Because when I give my life up to Him, I’ve just begun to live. I want to be firmly rooted in His mission, taken over by Him, and I want to live, eat, sleep, and breathe His death on the cross for me.

I am a dreamer, take me higher
Open the sky up, start a fire
I believe, even if it’s just a dream

The Joys of Being a Senior

I’m still trying to sort through my own wishes for next year and thereafter. Until I know what I want to do, it’s hard to move in any direction! And what I want to do changes daily. What is it today, you may ask? Well, today, I want to move back home next year. (I know: shocker!) This is something I’ve been trying to avoid for a long time. (Parents, if you read this, don’t get your hopes up too much. ) But it’s so financially practical. I just don’t know what kind of a job I could get, and I don’t have any friends really in my hometown. But I could work some kind of job that I hopefully wouldn’t hate entirely, and I could try to write a book on the side!

I just don’t know if I’m up for all the classes and schooling anymore. I love learning and I love the challenge of academics, but I’m seriously getting burned out on it. I think if I try to stretch my writing by going to grad school for English stuff right away next year, I’m just going to get tired of it. I want to give myself the chance to improve my writing ability by practice instead of by going to class, listening to lectures, workshopping, etc. I don’t want to feel constantly intimidated about my writing ability. I just don’t want to be in that environment yet. Stretching and learning is good, but I’m not ready for that much stretching.

And you know, a lot of authors write successful books, and they never had a degree in Creative Writing.

So we’ll see what happens. I’ll be back next week with an update on my desire to intern at Disneyland next year. Because with the way it’s going, who knows what I’ll want to do tomorrow!

(Input is more than welcomed too!)

And What If I Miss It

I’m confused. My passions for two things are almost at odds with each other, and I don’t know how to combine them. I don’t know how God wants me to combine them.

On the one hand, it’s ministry. People. Refugees. The inner city. Orphans. Social work. Foster kids. Teenage mothers. The unborn.

On the other hand, it’s writing. English. The beauty and intricacy of language. The deeply satisfying effort of putting words on a page.

I have a feeling that neither one is going to pay the bills adequately in the near future. But I can think of a way to go one direction or the other. If I go the ministry direction, I could do a job search and work for a non-profit organization. If I go the writing direction, I could combine the two eventually, but I’d probably have to go to grad school first. And I don’t know how to swing that.

Right now, I know what I really want to do. I want to go to grad school for writing, and work part-time for a non-profit. It’s been crystallizing for weeks.

But I don’t know how that would work.

And I’m not sure where He’s calling me.

I just don’t want to give up, take the easy path, and miss the opportunity.