Hope Road

You mean I still have to study?

Okay, so I’m writing this to inspire myself. I have to kick it into high gear here, people. I’ve been living in this dreamland where I do a little homework, think about graduation, indulge in melodramatic sadness about leaving my friends, yawn my way through the day, and ignore the fact that I have so much to do I need to go above and beyond.

So… yes. I’m afraid the last week of my college career won’t be full of kite-flying and Gilmore Girls watching. Sadly, I must actually apply myself to these few remaining tasks. Of course, I am definitely going to make time to enjoy being with my friends, but if that’s the case, then I also have to apply myself diligently.

Which means: tonight, I need to get all three of my essays done. Tomorrow, I need to get my research project done. Saturday and Sunday need to be spent studying for my first exam. Monday and Tuesday will be spent finishing up some papers for Tuesday night and studying for my Wednesday exam. Wednesday, I’ll spend some time preparing for my (thankfully low-key) presentation on Thursday. Then I’ll be done! (We won’t mention the fact that I’ll have to spend Thursday packing and cleaning like crazy.)

No more procrastination! I need to finish strong! One more week! I don’t feel like I can do it, but I think I can…

Tags: college, graduation, homework

One Page

Four years of making lists of the homework I have to do. The methods changed, but the substance didn’t.

I just made a list of all the homework I have left this semester, and it fits on one page.

One page, y’all!

I think I’m seeing the light. I can’t believe I accomplished everything (well, almost everything) on all those lists for all those years. See, this is why I’m glad I went to college. Sure, maybe I could have learned everything without the degree. But college pushed me like I never would have pushed myself.

So on to reality. 21 more tasks to complete before my homeworking days are over for the foreseeable future! (Until grad school, that is…) Woohoo!

Tags: college, graduation, homework, list

Job Update #2

I’ve made my decision. I will not be taking this job.

It was quite the process to come to that choice. I was really interested in the position, and it sounded like something I would love. But there were too many other factors - logistical and financial mostly - that would have made it unwise for me right now.

So I’m still searching for jobs, biding my time, and learning to trust. Thank you for your prayers. I really thought that I would be announcing I had taken the job, but I think the Lord has other plans for me.

Job Update #1

You all are so encouraging! Thank you for your kind comments and prayers. I really appreciate it.

I know that some of my blog friends are probably wondering what decision I made, so rather than leaving you in suspense , I’m letting you know that my future (?) supervisor said I don’t need to let them know until tomorrow or Friday. So that has given me extra time to make this decision, and I’m very thankful for that.

I’ll let you know what I decide!

Job Decision

Earlier today, I was offered a job out-of-state. I need to make a decision by tomorrow evening. The job is something I think I would really enjoy, and it begins late this summer. It’s a one-year commitment.

I’m thinking of taking it. But I want to consider both options carefully. I would appreciate your prayers as I make this decision.

Less Than Four Weeks

This impending graduation seems so unreal. On my way to class this morning, I thought about how I only have three more Mondays here. How could that be possible? Yesterday I was a nervous 17-year-old at freshman orientation. Today I’m 21, and I’ve almost finished my illustrious undergraduate career. I think I finally understand why adults are always complaining about how quickly time goes. It really does just fly by!

The changes looming ahead are terrifying, overwhelming, and exciting all at once. Everything in my life feels so chaotic right now, and I know the chaos is only going to increase over the next few months. I have such a desire to simplify, to have everything and everyone I love in one place, and to know what my life is going to look like in the future. But that’s not possible right now.

I have a couple of job possibilities on the horizon, one of which I’ve already interviewed for and should be finding out about in the next couple of days. The other possibility is the one I really, really want. Interviewing doesn’t begin until next month, though. Both jobs would start in July or August. I would appreciate your prayers.

Am I ready to be a full-fledged grown-up? I don’t really feel like it. I’m thankful for my parents and their support. My friends are scattering in so many different directions, from South America to Tibet. (Actually, not Tibet.) Yes, life is just going to be crazy for awhile. But He’s along for the ride, and more than that, He’s guiding me every step of the way. I have nothing to worry about. If only I could remember that more often.

Tags: future, graduation

Boxes

Just now I came across the blog of someone I used to do ministry with a few years ago. I scanned through some of her entries, and read about where she’s been ministering and what her hopes and dreams are after graduation. And I just started thinking, when did I start dreaming small? I know I dream bigger than some people, but seriously, I used to dream so much bigger than I do now. When did I become so afraid? When did I start thinking inside the box? Why can’t I break free and be up for anything, like I used to be? Can’t I find the balance between craziness and realism? What would happen if I opened my hands and let go of all these fears and regrets I’m holding on to? What might be around the corner? How would I feel if I stopped dreading the unknown and started embracing it? If I started making plans in spite of financial issues? If I quit slapping the “impossible” label on everything I really want to do? If I trusted?

I had to laugh at myself today
For thinking about how I had it made
And day after day just slips away
As if I’ve got it figured out

I’m so used to being comfortable
To life being uninterruptable
But that’s not what I’m about

I’m gonna live outside the box today
And capture everything around me
Thank the Lord for what surrounds me
Maybe I’ll just throw the box away
‘Cause it’s so much better out here anyway

I’m tired of my life being typical
Why should it have to be predictable?
Life can be irresistible
And that’s what I’m finding out

I’m seeing things from a different view
Closing my eyes and trusting You
‘Cause that’s what I’m all about

Thank You for the life You’ve given me
Thank You for the way You make me free to be
Someone who can look at every day
Seeing all the beauty You have made

(Alli Rogers, “Boxes”)

I think I’ll throw the box away.

across a distant sea

I’ve been kind of silent here this week, haven’t I? I’ve posted links, quotes, a meme, and a short random entry, and I haven’t gotten around to writing part two of Spirituality in Opposite-Gender Friendships.

Sometimes, there’s just not much to say. I’ve been following the Uganda bloggers all week, and it’s been beautifully heartbreaking. Those are the only words I can think of to describe it.

See, I’ve been through this journey. A journey that, as a privileged, relatively wealthy young American living in the twenty-first century, I can hardly avoid. And more importantly, a journey that, as a follower of Jesus, I can hardly avoid. It’s simply brought into more bold and pressing relief by the technology and privilege of who I am and where I live.

And this journey is coming face with how I feel about poverty. And what I’m going to do about it.

Sophomore year, I really came to a breaking point, wondering how we dare use a more expensive brand of shampoo or drink soda or have any luxuries at all when people are dying and starving. I don’t know how I resolved those issues in my mind. There are lingering questions, but I did come to peace with a more moderate frugality.

Yet now, this issue is returning. Even though I have seen so many of the images and heard so many of the stories, I am not desensitized. And these stories from Uganda, they are awakening me all over again. How I love to see the hope in these children’s eyes. One young boy was asked by Carlos, what was his favorite thing about coming to the Compassion program. And he said, when we go to class and they teach us about Jesus. Speaking in that soft, formal voice with a British accent - that lovely African voice.

See, I have no answers. Only questions. I do not want to leave all this behind. I am at a unique place in life now. I have the opportunity to make choices that will determine how I will live my future. But what do I do? Where do I go? Where can I make a difference? How do the paths of missions and social justice combine? Can I live in the States and follow Christ the way I am supposed to? Are my fears legitimate?

I don’t know, I don’t know. I have so many fears, so much anxiety even in leading this simple, comfortable life here in this privileged country. How could I live it somewhere else?

There are no cliches, only the hard truth I face up to when I am facedown.

He is enough… for them and for me.

take my dreams

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it’s burning bright for You
It’s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord, with You
There’s nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father’s hand

My hands, my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me                                  (lyrics)

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I don’t know what’s ahead. But I’m tired of being held back by my own fears. What does it mean? Again, I just don’t know. The possibilities are endless… I can’t wait to see what’s next!

It’s been a bit of a crazy few weeks here at school. Just one thing after another. Do you ever have those times of heightened self-awareness, when you feel like you’re learning new things about yourself, and just your own becoming, moment by moment? It’s the whole growing up thing, I think.

I’m going to read Taking Flight by Elisabeth Elliot soon. I got it for my high school graduation, started to read it, then realized it was more apropos for college graduation. So I’ve been waiting to read it for almost four years. I can’t believe that time is almost over. I truly can’t.

On that note, it’s time for bed.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Cor. 5:14-15)

Saying Goodbye

The other day, I finished watching the last episode of the last season of Gilmore Girls. It involves college graduation and lots of sentimental goodbyes. I could not stop crying as I was watching it - yes, I’m sappy like that (and just to warn you, this whole entry is pretty sappy). But seriously, there are so many goodbyes looming ahead of me in the next six months. And I dread every single one of them. I have grown to hate goodbyes over the last four years.

I know I’ll be excited for what all of my friends are going off to do. And I know I’ll be excited for wherever God is leading me. That will soften the blow a little. But still, these are people who I have been friends with for a few years now, and I’m just not ready to watch them walk out of my life. And I probably won’t be living with my family, either… although it could happen. But if not, and I live far away, it will have such a note of finality… why would I need to come back for good after that?

I’m so thankful that I live in this day and age, though. We can travel so quickly and communicate in so many ways. But goodbyes are still hard. One feature of heaven that has grown more and more lovely in my mind is that we will never have to say goodbye.