Everywhere I Look

Writing feels foreign to my fingers. Instead, my senses are familiar with the achingly sweet scent of my baby’s head… soapy dishwater filled with silverware… warm November breezes… my toddler’s exuberant exclamations… the startling quietness of naptime… creamy cups of coffee… messes everywhere I look…

God has been good to me in this season. As often as I’ve wanted to have a self-indulgent pity party about how exhausted and overwhelmed I am, I’ve been reminded moment by moment of how precious these children are, how short the time is, and what a huge privilege I have in raising them. It’s truly been an acute sense of blessing that’s prevented me from wallowing in discontentment or sadness.

And He has given me so much grace in caring for them, and especially with Christian – just loving to read to him and talk to him and play with him, and be patient and consistent with him, even when I don’t feel like it. Enjoying mothering didn’t come this naturally when he was an infant. I was so afraid of how hard it would be after Eliza was born. Don’t get me wrong, he has definitely had behavior issues (naturally) and I have had patience issues. But the Lord has been at work in my heart and has worked through me and in me. I never could do it on my own.

He’s sustained me emotionally as well. I’ve mostly dealt with a little anxiety – over that overwhelming feeling of grogginess; knowing I can’t get caught up on sleep; my house constantly sliding deeper into the pit of chaos and having to pull it out again and again; the physical changes of having a baby; being able to accomplish necessary tasks and prepare for the holidays, my sister’s wedding, and a huge road trip; having our usual evening routine replaced by caring for an extremely fussy baby.

But somehow I am just so focused on how brief this season is. With Christian I struggled more with giving up “my time.” Being a planner and a type A person, it’s hard for me when the baby is in these unpredictable, pre-routine days. I was afraid of how it would be to just go go go all day long with no tandem naps or rest break. And some days that’s how it is, but I manage.

I actually find myself thriving on the busyness… although I do start to break down by the evening. It’s almost easier to try to fit housework and to-do’s around the edges of caring for the kids, with no spare time, than it is to have one toddler and have to fill the time meaningfully.

Eliza’s stirring from another catnap so I’ll have to limit any further pontification. Thankful today…