Not the Place I Wanted to Be
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39 weeks today.
How do I find the humor… the joy… in my state of mind right now? I want this to be a good time, a perfect time. I want to be so overwhelmingly thankful for my baby to come, and her health so far, and the gifts I’ve been given that I can’t even think of complaining. I want to happily nest and have it together and have my to-do list completely checked off.
But today is just not that day.
I have really lapsed in spiritual disciplines for awhile now. And last week I felt that God had given me desire back. The desire for Him… joy in Him. It mostly came through music. Listening to Pandora all day brought many songs to mind that I’d forgotten, songs that move me and make me yearn after my Savior.
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And then one day I noticed I let certain thoughts creep in, sinful thoughts in a particular area, and suddenly my spiritual thoughts seemed to fade away. Then the next day I let my guard down and was cranky and irritable with A.J. Instead of reading Scripture, I chose to waste time online.
The pain that has returned has kept me from exercising and made every small task an aching difficulty. I dread changing a diaper, walking across the room, sweeping the floor. Time has been going so slowly that I keep praying and praying for real contractions so this will be over.
Last night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up tired again and start another long day. So I stayed up much too late. Then I checked on a feverish baby and rocked him back to sleep. And this morning I just felt done. Like getting dressed and washing dishes were the accomplishment of the day. Yesterday’s to-do list is still waiting for me in a tidy little post-it note on my computer screen.
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Christian’s been napping since noon and I haven’t slept. I’ve just laid here reading about giving birth and thinking about giving birth and not sure what I even want right now… alternating between self-pity and guilt for feeling this way when I’m so blessed.
I hate when I make bad (sinful) decisions and face the consequences later. Lack of discipline leads to an out-of-control spiral so quickly. Lack of discipline does not make a difficult situation any easier to deal with. It’s really just turning to a coping mechanism as a crutch (in my case, staying up late and not using time well) instead of relying on the Lord for strength.
So then I get to this point, where I feel utterly discouraged, and I know I can’t just turn the day around with the snap of a finger.
What is the answer then? It’s my Savior, knowing I need Him and I’m just as needy today as I was last week and last year and ten years ago. It’s knowing He shed His blood to cover my sin, and it’s knowing this:
"It is a consoling thought that Christ is praying for us, even when we are negligent in our prayer life; that He is presenting to the Father those spiritual needs which were not present to our minds and which we often neglect to include in our prayers; and that He prays for our protection against the dangers of which we are not even conscious, and against the enemies which threaten us, though we do not notice it. He is praying that our faith may not cease, and that we may come out victoriously in the end."
Louis Berkhof, Systematic Theology, p.403."If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me."
Robert Murray M’Cheyne, Robert Murray M’Cheyne p.179.HT: Girl Talk
We all trough ups and downs, we walk closely with Him one day and the next, try to make our own steps…
Our pastor once said that we can’t separate our mind, our body and our soul… it’s all connected, physical pain interfere with our mood, our mood interfere with our spiritual walk and vice versa
The only thing that never change is God, our dying body and mind change all the time.
I don’t know if this help or not, but He is and will always be there, there for you no matter what.
Do not let the devil tempt you! You are physically susceptible to weakness and he knows that. Trust God pray, seek his word, call a friend 
Praying for you!
Philippians 3:13-14
13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I have followed your blog since your days in college. Let me share something with you… I am a happily married man in my 40s, yet I experience these same trials. One minute we are on top of the world and as happy as can be, and the next we find ourselves discouraged and in a city of pity. Please do not beat yourself up. Things will get better. I will be praying for you and your family.
You are just tired…it’s so hard to make it those last weeks. You are so close and before you know it she’ll be here. As for the pain, I sympathize. Both pregnancies I have had constant sciatic pain. I actually find sweeping or mopping cause it to hurt like nothing else…but still I continue doing it! And it’s ok that right now need to lay down. Sometimes it’s just the way it is. Just continue pressing on and God will give you the strength you need!
Praying the Lord will encourage you and that you’ll persevere…
If you have a chance, listen to the song I just blogged:
http://thirsty-soul.blogspot.com/2011/09/breathe-new-life-in-me.html
I was so blessed to hear it today, and I hope you will be too.
I am definitely praying for you. I have honestly been feeling this way a lot lately especially with the lack of discipline and stuff. However I am so thankful that the Lord is so merciful and gracious to us. He is so good. Praying for the pain to go away and your lil one to come soon!
Blessings and hugs!
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[...] for your encouragement on last week’s post. I was definitely discouraged but it’s been a better week since then. I’ve been encouraged by [...]
{hugs} It seems so often we’re either headed here, or are already there. I LOVE the quotes you shared, because it’s so true. In the end, we must realize Christ has fought our battles. There is nothing new under the sun to Him. The righteous man falls seven times, but gets back up. Some seasons are longer than others, the weariness, the doubt, the rebellious heart. The importance is continually taking ourselves back to the Cross. With humility, we repent and rise again. And again. And again. And when we can’t pick ourselves up from His feet, we trust that He will.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not an “excuse” but at the same time, pregnancy with a young toddler is exhausting. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. Your stretched thin (literally and figuratively!) and it’s just plain hard. Rest in Him.
You know, I spent all day yesterday knocking stuff off my to-do list, running circles around myself, and felt rather proud of it all…until I looked around before bed last night and realized that the house still looked very much lived in, if not slightly deshelved. It was disheartening! But, I went to bed with a sink full of dishes anyway, and God was still faithful when it came time to do them this morning.
Praying for you during this last week, for grace and peace in the midst of hidden motivation. For that tender way God breaks our hearts when we’re found trying too hard within ourselves and not relying enough on Him. I cherish you, bloggy friend!