Come Out, Baby: 40 Weeks

Thanks for your encouragement on last week’s post. I was definitely discouraged but it’s been a better week since then. I’ve been encouraged by some words from Isaiah in particular, and church on Sunday morning.

Size of baby: I mentioned that Eliza measured 7 lbs. 10 oz. in a 38-week ultrasound. Those ultrasounds can be way off. I’m still guessing she’ll be an 8-pounder when she’s born though. She feels very heavy.

Total weight gain: 31 pounds. And that’s the end, no more, thank you!

Maternity clothes: I’ve outgrown some of them for sure. I pretty much just want to be comfortable at this point.

Movement: She moved lower a couple weeks ago and it was harder to feel her after that, but I think she’s moved back up and also grown, and she’s so big that it’s hard not to feel her now. She was moving so much when I woke up this morning, more than she has in awhile. It was so cute, it was like she was having a due date party or something.

Sleep: It’s off and on. I’ve had a few good nights, though, for which I’m very thankful. Every time I curl up to go to sleep, I try to be thankful that I’m not yet worrying about when my newborn will next wake me up!

What I miss: Not being pregnant? Yes, that about covers it.

Cravings: I craved donuts and A.J. bought them for me… I craved pizza and we had it on Sunday. Those were my two main cravings the past couple weeks.

Symptoms: Sciatic pain and lots of cramps and contractions.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting our baby girl!

Milestone(s): It’s my due date! September 27th, the day we’ve been talking about for so long… and I’m sure it will come and go uneventfully, but it’s still exciting.

Best moment this week: I think it was praying and talking with A.J. last night.

So that was my last update! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about cravings, pregnancy symptoms, and how I’m sleeping for the past 16 weeks or so. Next stop: a birth story!

Not the Place I Wanted to Be

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39 weeks today.

How do I find the humor… the joy… in my state of mind right now? I want this to be a good time, a perfect time. I want to be so overwhelmingly thankful for my baby to come, and her health so far, and the gifts I’ve been given that I can’t even think of complaining. I want to happily nest and have it together and have my to-do list completely checked off.

But today is just not that day.

I have really lapsed in spiritual disciplines for awhile now. And last week I felt that God had given me desire back. The desire for Him… joy in Him. It mostly came through music. Listening to Pandora all day brought many songs to mind that I’d forgotten, songs that move me and make me yearn after my Savior.

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And then one day I noticed I let certain thoughts creep in, sinful thoughts in a particular area, and suddenly my spiritual thoughts seemed to fade away. Then the next day I let my guard down and was cranky and irritable with A.J. Instead of reading Scripture, I chose to waste time online.

The pain that has returned has kept me from exercising and made every small task an aching difficulty. I dread changing a diaper, walking across the room, sweeping the floor. Time has been going so slowly that I keep praying and praying for real contractions so this will be over.

Last night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up tired again and start another long day. So I stayed up much too late. Then I checked on a feverish baby and rocked him back to sleep. And this morning I just felt done. Like getting dressed and washing dishes were the accomplishment of the day. Yesterday’s to-do list is still waiting for me in a tidy little post-it note on my computer screen.

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Christian’s been napping since noon and I haven’t slept. I’ve just laid here reading about giving birth and thinking about giving birth and not sure what I even want right now… alternating between self-pity and guilt for feeling this way when I’m so blessed.

I hate when I make bad (sinful) decisions and face the consequences later. Lack of discipline leads to an out-of-control spiral so quickly. Lack of discipline does not make a difficult situation any easier to deal with. It’s really just turning to a coping mechanism as a crutch (in my case, staying up late and not using time well) instead of relying on the Lord for strength.

So then I get to this point, where I feel utterly discouraged, and I know I can’t just turn the day around with the snap of a finger.

What is the answer then? It’s my Savior, knowing I need Him and I’m just as needy today as I was last week and last year and ten years ago. It’s knowing He shed His blood to cover my sin, and it’s knowing this:

"It is a consoling thought that Christ is praying for us, even when we are negligent in our prayer life; that He is presenting to the Father those spiritual needs which were not present to our minds and which we often neglect to include in our prayers; and that He prays for our protection against the dangers of which we are not even conscious, and against the enemies which threaten us, though we do not notice it. He is praying that our faith may not cease, and that we may come out victoriously in the end."
Louis Berkhof, Systematic Theology, p.403.

"If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me."
Robert Murray M’Cheyne, Robert Murray M’Cheyne p.179.

HT: Girl Talk

Monday Morning Vignette.

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Christian and I are enjoying our last days alone together, unbeknownst to him. They’re flowing at a leisurely pace since my sciatic pain has returned and makes moving around very difficult. I’m just taking things slowly and trying to treasure the moments, and conquer my crabbiness (which I tend to save for A.J., not Christian…).

We listen to Pandora… I have a “Quick Mix” that includes Mikeschair, Phil Wickham, Kari Jobe, Christy Nockels, Cindy Morgan, Britt Nicole, Leeland, Trip Lee, Flame, Lecrae, and Brooke Fraser. It makes for some variety, that’s for sure.

Christian goes back and forth from his room to the living room. He likes to bring out his quilts and blankets and I spread them out on the floor. We look at books together. He puts his toy elephant and tiger in the back of his dump truck and takes them for rides up and down the hall.

His new forbidden hobby is climbing onto the table. I knew that would start sooner or later. He stands on a chair before he climbs up (also forbidden), and raises his eyebrows as he waits for my reaction.

And finally it’s naptime… my survival two-hour time span right now.

here and there {thoughts today}.

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A matter of focus.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the significance of the body of Christ. I think it’s because of all the love and support I’ve been receiving as I near the end of my pregnancy – gifts, meals, babysitting, prayers, questions, and encouragement.

Certain seasons of life lend themselves to an inward focus – the honeymoon, the end of pregnancy, the newborn days. Those seasons of motherhood are intense emotionally and physically. I think it’s good to embrace the shrinking horizons and realize it’s part of how God created us, to be maternal and nurturing.

But sometimes it’s tempting to lapse into self-focus, and finding the balance is a challenge. I’m finding I have to be more intentional about being present in others’ lives and caring for them. People I love are experiencing joy, stress, and heartbreak all around me. I want to reflect the love of Christ, even if it just means, for example, listening to A.J. talk about something he’s interested in rather than what’s on my mind.

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Pages these days.

You may remember that I’ve been trying to find good classics to read. I’m almost finished with Uncle Tom’s Cabin, which I read in high school but had largely forgotten about. I appreciated it so much more this time around, although it’s of course marred by condescending and outdated racial attitudes, in spite of its abolitionist roots. It’s still definitely recommended!

Next on the docket are Mansfield Park, the only Jane Austen book I haven’t read, and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which I don’t know much about but am looking forward to.

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Still carrying her.

Time has slowed to a crawl. I have 11 days till my due date! I’m struggling to complete the remaining tasks on my list. The most important ones are done, and I’m having trouble finding energy and creativity (with Christian around) to finish the others.

My baby girl is not measuring small, even though I am – ultrasound results are notoriously inaccurate this far along, but according to mine yesterday she’s 7 lb. 10 oz.! She was facing up, and I’m hoping she flips around, since that position can make labor more difficult.

Contractions have become painful this week, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up about an early arrival.

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And an assortment.

I got my first haircut in a year on Saturday (*blush*). I wanted to keep my length, but I had so many split ends. I like it though. I started using leave-in conditioner to maintain curls instead of gel. I don’t like crunchiness but I hate frizz. This is working well so far. I always struggle with my hair so new tricks help a lot. I like to feel put together.

I mentioned the infamous pumpkin spice latte on my Facebook page last week, and I keep seeing people talking about it! I want to get one but they’re so ridiculously priced. They just taste like fall though, don’t they?

Also on my wish list: Grace linked earrings from this Etsy shop and I really want to get a pair or four. They’re ridiculously priced too… on the cheap side. Aren’t they pretty?

{PSA: I’m not one to tweet labor updates, but any news and/or a birth announcement will probably make its way to my Twitter stream before it gets to the blog, so if you’d like you can follow me there.}

And naptime is officially over… happy Friday!

Waiting: 38 Weeks

I didn’t plan on wearing the same shirt in so many of my updates. It makes it easier to compare, I guess!

Will this be my last update? I doubt it, but only one more to go after this. That is so hard to believe…

Size of baby: The average size is almost 7 pounds. I’m guessing she’s right around that.

Total weight gain: 30 pounds as of today, but it’s been fluctuating a lot the past week. I’ve gained, lost, and gained again.

Maternity clothes: I’m officially tired of them and ready to be back in my pre-pregnancy wardrobe!

Movement: I love when it starts to feel like there’s a full-grown newborn in there. .She’s still a good mover for me.

Sleep: I probably just shouldn’t comment about this. I’m hoping for a good full night or two before I go into labor.

What I miss: I can’t even think of anything. I’ve been pregnant forever. Heehee…

Cravings: A caramel macchiato sounds so good.

Symptoms: My sciatic pain has all but disappeared! I’m so thankful. I’m having lots of mostly painless contractions, and still quite a bit of nausea.

What I am looking forward to: I’m measuring a bit small again (this happened last pregnancy too) so I’m getting an ultrasound on Thursday; I always look forward to those! I’m also looking forward to finishing up a few last things so I can feel completely ready.

Milestone(s): I hit the full term mark a week ago. The next milestone is my due date!

Best moment this week: All the blessings mentioned here, plus waking up today and being 38 weeks. It’s so close now.

How to Change a Baby’s Name

[read part 1 of our baby-naming saga here]

I became a bit of a name nerd this pregnancy.

After we decided on Tabitha for our little girl, I was happy with it… for a few weeks. We’d made the decision so quickly that I hadn’t even considered other girls’ names. Somewhere along the way, I discovered the baby naming site Nameberry – a delicious and addicting smorgasbord of names – and I loved reading “the world’s leading experts’” opinions.

The only problem was my discovering how many options there are. Through exploring Nameberry and other sites, I began narrowing down my naming taste – two kids later! – and I stumbled on an obscure but classic girl’s name that I fell in love with.

“I’ll use it someday if God gives us another girl,” I thought. Meanwhile, while falling more in love with this particular name, I was growing more disenchanted with Tabitha by the day. Many reactions I got mentioned Bewitched, and I was already hearing her called “Tabs.”

I googled opinions and found cats and witches mentioned more times than I would’ve thought. I still think Tabitha is a lovely name, but I was having trouble getting over all these associations and nicknames.

A.J. knew I had had second thoughts, but finally, several weeks after our gender ultrasound, I told him I just couldn’t do Tabitha. I knew I was going to regret it if I stayed with a name I didn’t love.

He was disappointed but very gracious… and we had to start the naming process all over again. I just couldn’t talk him into the name that I absolutely loved. I was disappointed too, but it’s important that we both love the name we choose.

I started making a list of choices and running them past A.J. Eliza was on the list – so were Elsa, Violet, Nora, and some others I can’t remember. Usually it was an immediate no or a maybe.

Eliza was one of the only names we both really liked. I could check off various factors – the meaning (“consecrated to God”), the style (classic and old-fashioned but recognizable), the associations (Audrey Hepburn and Uncle Tom’s Cabin are much better than Bewitched), and the fact that it doesn’t beg to be nicknamed.

We both kept saying, “I really like Eliza,” and eventually decided that was our choice. We even found historical inspiration – apparently, Charles Spurgeon’s mother was named Eliza, and she was an amazing woman.

I’m still finding names fascinating, and I love hearing how other people choose a name. Although it was a bit awkward to change our baby-in-utero’s name after the fact, I’m glad I was up front with my discomfort with our original choice. I still feel content with our second choice, and I’m looking forward to getting to name another baby someday – and taking the whole process very slowly!

I know some people wait to make the final decision until they see their baby, and I can definitely see the benefits of that. I also know people who don’t tell anyone else their choice until the baby is born. Again, beneficial for a number of reasons. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t that discreet – maybe I’ll be wiser next time!

This Calls for a Latte

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Autumn after summer in Florida is like spring after winter in Michigan. This post is brought to you from the front porch, where I’m enjoying delicious 80-degree breezes during my little one’s naptime. Blessing #1…

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was very anxious and sad and not quite sure why. I was also tired and discouraged that I still had baby preparations to make and wasn’t feeling up to working on them.

Last night we went to our church home group, and they threw a surprise baby shower for me and a friend who’s due a few weeks after me. Blessing #2! I was so touched by the work my friends put into it, and by the sweet gifts we received for baby Eliza.

I also enjoyed seeing people and fellowshipping… blessing #3. It was much better than being alone.

This morning a friend watched Christian for me so I could go to my doctor’s appointment (blessing #4). He was able to play outside all morning, which is blessing #5 since we don’t have a backyard and our outside time consists of walking up and down our little back street. She also sent me home with a loaf of fresh bread and soup for dinner so I wouldn’t have to cook: #6!

Thank You, Lord, for this day and Your undeserved gifts.

Serenity and Chaos

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So much of life is learning to surrender.

It’s learning that I’m not Superwoman.

Yesterday I read the latest post at Passionate Homemaking. Lindsey mentioned two memorable comments from other moms: “Someone’s always crying” and “I’ve come to realize that I will always be tired.”

Neither of these comments were made in a negative or complaining way, but as Lindsey said, “in an embracing way.” This is how it is.

I get so irritable when Christian’s upset for no reason, or I’m really tired, or the house is messy but I don’t feel up to cleaning it.

Life isn’t about those things. It’s about loving the Lord and those around me. Right now, it’s about loving my family and trusting that God will take care of the details, even if they feel out of control… especially if they feel out of control.

I have so many gifts! Will I choose to see them, or grumble like the Israelites? Sometimes when I complain I’m fearfully convicted of my hardness of heart. It’s an evil thing to be discontent.

His grace is sufficient…

Check-In: 36 Weeks, 6 Days.

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I’m checking in during our long weekend. It’s been a blessing having my youngest sister here since Wednesday night. Although I’m uncomfortable and unenergetic right now, we’ve still managed to have some fun – movie night, game nights, getting ice cream, and lots and lots of playing with a certain sweet 18-month-old.

I’m enjoying the responses to my Two Under 2 post! I have emails and comments to respond to and haven’t forgotten about you. I’ll be enjoying the rest of this weekend with my family, but getting back to you soon!

Today will be my last day before hitting 37 weeks. I feel unfathomably rich in having had a healthy pregnancy so far. This child is not one I take for granted; she is a gift I did nothing to deserve. Fears and wondering notwithstanding, I know the Lord has a plan for her life even now, and His hand will be on both of us over the next several weeks.

Hope you are all having a happy holiday weekend…

Two Under 2: Coming Up Soon!

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In less than five weeks I’ll have a 19-month-old and a newborn! I think it’s safe to say this will be one of the more challenging seasons of life. I’ve definitely known of harder situations – having twins before your first baby turns one; having four under age five (that was my family), etc. But I’m still a little nervous about this stage!

I want to write a series based on my experiences with having two under 2 – definitely not a how-to series, ha! – but sharing my journey, especially as it relates to specific topics, like transitions, devotional life, or housekeeping. I’d also like to have some guests posts from moms who have been there, done that, or are in the midst of it. Let me know if you’d like to contribute!

While I’ve been writing this post, Christian has opened a drawer in the kitchen and taken out a spatula and a spoon, so I should probably go reinforce my no-kitchen-drawers policy. Happy Thursday!