What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman
To be honest, sometimes I read a list with a title like this post, and I think it’s a little ridiculous. Pregnant women will say they don’t want to be asked how they’re feeling, how their doctor’s appointment was, or when they’re due.
I think those questions are well-meant and are no different than being a college freshman and constantly being asked what your major is, or planning a wedding and being asked over and over, “When’s the big day?”
But let’s admit, some comments can be tacky or just flat-out rude. Here’s my take on a few of them from this article. I’ve gotten variations of all of these before.
“Was it planned?”
I’ve gotten this question a few times, and I have to wonder what makes it seem appropriate to ask. Yes, we’re having two kids close together, and yes, we did want it that way, which I don’t mind saying, but I don’t like being asked point-blank. It seems intrusive.
“You look like you’re ready to pop!”
I know it’s really hard not to make a comment like this when you see a pregnant woman who’s due any day. But I can’t get over the image of sticking a pin into a balloon. And I don’t think any woman really wants to be compared to a balloon.
“Have you picked a name yet?”
I can’t see why this question would be offensive. I think it’s nice to be asked. I like sharing my baby’s name. (And, while we’re discussing it, yes, we have picked a new name and will probably be sharing it soon.)
“Enjoy _____ now, because once the baby comes you can kiss it goodbye.”
Oh yes, this one gets old when you’re a first-time mom. I know I’ll never sleep, spend time with my husband, or enjoy life again, but yes, I’m looking forward to having this baby, thank you very much.
“I was sick my whole 9 months.”
Goodness, I hated hearing any variation of this statement when I was so sick during my first trimester with Christian.
“I was ripped open from end to end.”
Sorry for the graphic example – but they’re basically talking about labor horror stories here. I think being honest about the pain of labor is a good thing. But going into graphic details, especially to a first-time mom, without being asked, is probably not helpful. I have to admit though that as a second-time mom sometimes it’s hard to hold my tongue!
These are some real-life examples given by readers of the article I cited:
- “Are you still with the father?”
- “Are you going to keep it?”
- “Is the baby your husband’s?”
- “You look like you could use the exercise.”
- “Are you sure you should be having another baby?”
My family and friends are great, and any annoying or rude comments have been few and far between. I am blessed by the interest that people show in my pregnancy.
I have gotten one outlandishly rude comment. An acquaintance asked if we’d found out the gender yet, and when I told her we were having a girl, she said, “Congratulations! Are you going to get your tubes tied after this one?” I was pretty much stunned… wow, at least you said congratulations.
Other moms, what have your experiences been with people’s comments during your pregnancy? Did you have any pet peeves, or field any unusually crazy questions?
OH MY WORD! I can’t believe she asked if you were getting your tubes tied! That is so rude, some people!
I got tired of the “about to pop” comments, too. As well as the “oh, you have the perfect family” comments when people found out we were having a girl after having a boy. It’s like they expect you to not have any more kids because you have one of each. That bugs me to no end….
Other than that, I never had too many rude things said. I actually had my first really rude conversation with a lady in a Texas fabric store about how close together our kids were. Hubby and I walked in, each carrying one and the first thing she said was ‘Oh my gosh, your kids ARE close in age!” (like she’d be pondering it as we got them out of the car or something…) and I just looked at her…she then felt the need to tell me how SHE could have NEVER of done that, and God knew that because her kids were all 3 years apart. I just smiled and said “Boy, I’m sure glad God knows what we need!” but that didn’t stop her, she went on and on about how tired I must be, and how I must never sleep and how “there’s nothing I can do about it now!” (picture my eyeballs about popping out of my head at that comment!!!) then another lady chimed in and went on and on about how her kids were five years apart and that was close enough and blah, blah blah.
Honestly, I was stunned. I just smiled and nodded my head because I hadn’t experienced such vocal opinions about my two before. Most people are very supportive and comment on how great of friends they’ll be when they get older…
And all I could think while that gal was blabbing on, was how I knew so many women with kids 12 and 15 months apart and I feel like 21 months is nothing! I finally just told her that life was indeed crazy, but we love every minute of it!
All that being said, you get to the point where you just smile and walk on. Becoming a Mom has made me think twice about the questions I ask other Moms. There is more to life than just making conversation, and much is to be said about building one another up with encouragement and love.
Geez, sorry for the book-comment. I’m not even pregnant, but I’ll climb off my soapbox now. 
Oh my goodness, some of those comments that you listed at the end are awful! Sheesh. I agree with all of your thoughts on the questions you listed. I don’t think I ever really got a rude comment, except for one from a grocery store clerk who asked me if I was due any day when I was 32 weeks pregnant – she was referring to the fact that I was carrying so low, but I still left asking Derek if I really looked that big!
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe someone asked you if you’re going to get your tubes tied! It’s not that uncommon to have more than two kids, is it?
I think I avoid most of these comments when talking to friends, but I did once have to catch myself when visiting a friend that had just given birth and I kept drawing parallels with our dairy cow who had also just given birth. Yeah, I don’t imagine she appreciated that too much. But it was the only birth I had witnessed and was basically the extent of my experience with such things…
My wife hated having people (thankfully mainly women) considering her being pregnant a license to rub her stomach. It’s as if when she’s pregnant the traditional side-hug isn’t good enough, but a “Hey, how are you,” and an unsolicited stomach massage was considered the proper greeting, like a handshake among men.
Yeah… people are just amazing. I got a lot of these comments–you’re right, they’re mostly well meant, but that doesn’t mean they’re appropriate. The topper for me though, is the stomach rubbing. Seriously?!?!? Would you rub my stomach if I wasn’t pregnant? Then don’t do it when I am. And, honestly, I’m pretty easy going… so it takes a lot for me to freak out over something like that. I actually had a co worker LIFT UP MY SHIRT, and go for my stomach. I may or may not have shrieked. 
Yes, some things are terrible to say to someone. We’ve been ask “Well, don’t you know what causes that?” Or, “Do you have a TV?”, and “Well, what kind of birth control do you use?” Now in my book, those are about tacky as can be!!!
I don’t know why people do that. And when preggy with number 2 we were asked alot if it was to be a girl would we be done. My answer is always-God’s in control, and I doubt it, we at least think we’d like a few more.
And now with 3 boys, alot of people think we should be done, cause thats alot to handle, in their books.
Nah, they are just busy, busy boys. Maybe the Lord will bless us with a girl down the road sometime! My Me-Ma had 6 boys-no girls. And they all survived, even the boys.
I so agree with so many of these! The stomach rubbing, the “are you done after this one?,” and the “they are so close!” Sheesh. If you can’t think of anything un-ridiculous to say, don’t say anything!
It’s amazing what some people feel at liberty to say or ask. 0_0 I’m not pregnant or a mom, but I was with my mom when she announced to our neighbor that she was pregnant with my younger sister (#3). Our neighbor said in a very irritated voice (she only had one), “Oh, Sharon! I can’t believe you’d EVER want a third child!” My mom responded with something along the lines of, “Which of the three would you suggest I get rid of?!” My mom ended up having 5…not to mention my half-sister added into the bunch too.
On either my brother or me, my mom was trying to get pregnant and for months, my mom would constantly be going to her OB to check if she was pregnant (this was before the stick 
). When she was FINALLY pregnant, the OB (a guy) asked her very straight-faced, “So, is this a keeper?” My mom wanted to kick him somewhere about then and couldn’t believe he’d ask such a question…ESpecially after she’d been coming in so much HOPING she’d be pregnant ‘this time.’
I’ve heard my mom and other pregnant friends of mine say they also really hate the automatic stomach massage when they greet someone. Especially when it’s long and drawn out. Really, people! 
Ok this is so backwards, but with my pregnancy people were actually commenting on how my belly looked TOO TINY to be pregnant. People would be like “Are you really pregnant? I mean, you don’t look it…are you sure?” I mean I guess I could take that as a compliment, but sometimes people seriously thought I was kidding myself about my pregnancy, like I was crazy haha!
The other day at the town office the clerk said to my daughter “Ohh you are cute. But one is enough right? One baby is perfectly enough.” Yeah….
I think the worst two I have gotten were:
* you better hope it is a girl so then you can be DONE (I have 2 boys under 3 and am due in Dec)
* What do you mean you are still nursing? Don’t you know you’re killing your unborn baby? (This fallacy said by two doctors – thankfully I knew better)
I’ve never understood why the “Was this planned” was appropriate -when else is it appropriate to discuss our sex lives openly in public with perfect strangers? And when did it become such a surprise to have more than one or two children? Children are blessings!
I really do not like being asked if it was planned…because that’s just a little strange, I don’t like having my belly touched because I am not at all touchy so it creeps me out…and I don’t like when I order coffee (because my doctor says it’s ok to drink 8 oz every day) and they insist I drink decaf.
The “was it planned” question makes my head want to explode. Seriously, who asks that? And another one that I hate? “Sleep while you can!”. Like I can trade out my nights of sleep now for one when I need it the most? Doesn’t make sense.
Oh the questions… The difference between college and babies is that people just want to know where you are going and what your major is and then….that’s it! When it comes to pregnancies and babies people think they have a right to KNOW and tell you EVERYTHING. I mean I’m already getting that “people” hope I’m having a boy since I already have girl… as if another WONDERFUL girl would be SUCH a let down to me… boo. I’m so excited either way!!!
The rudest thing, I noticed, when I was carrying Evan, was that no one held open doors or offered to carry anything for me – almost as if, in our overtly-feminist society, they would be insulting me by even offering to make things a little easier. By my third trimester, when my back hurt and I was sweating constantly and my ankles were the size of my calves, I would have appreciated a helping hand. I had the opposite reaction from strangers: they didn’t rub my stomach, they just gave me a wide berth.
Ugh, I hate the “was it planned?” question. Well, if it’s from a good friend I don’t mind, but I was once asked in a group of about 5 women while sharing prayer requests at Bible Study. Unplanned doesn’t equal unwanted.
I got a lot of flack from a co-worker when she found out we weren’t sharing our names (we just worked together for the summer) and she was always begging me to tell. I didn’t, but it made it all the harder to keep my resolve. If a couple isn’t sharing their names, don’t bug them!