A People-Pleaser Gets Married
I’ve had a couple conversations recently about being a “people-pleaser.”
I’m not a pleaser in the sense that I will do anything to make anyone happy. I am a pleaser in the sense that I am often overly focused on what certain people think of me.
This is a very common problem from what I hear. At root it’s a sin problem – fearing man instead of God.
I don’t think it’s wrong to desire the good opinion of others, especially of those we love. But it’s wrong to idolize that desire, to worry and sin when we’re not receiving affirmation.
Before I was married, I often avoided being around guys because I was so self-conscious and worried about how they perceived me. I saw myself as unattractive and in the way.
Since getting married, I desire my husband’s good opinion more than anyone else’s. I want him to be happy with me. There are many other people whose approval I want, but ultimately if A.J. is happy with me it doesn’t matter who else is or isn’t.
These feelings can be valid but I quickly carry them too far! Two sinners living together are going to provoke each other occasionally. But I can’t relax when everything isn’t perfectly smooth. I overanalyze. I try to control situations and prevent them from going downhill.
Seeking to live in love and at peace is one thing, but seeking to please and pacify people and manipulate circumstances is another. I have enough to do learning to treat others with love… I can’t control their responses or ensure that they will never be upset or irritated at me.
In the context of marriage, one of the biggest lessons I’m learning is to rest in God’s love for me through all the little ups and downs. If I expect a marriage of flawless peace that makes me feel constantly affirmed and secure, I’ll constantly be disappointed and unsettled. I’m learning what it means to seek real, solid peace in God’s real, constant love instead of finding my primary security in another human being.
Sometimes this is even harder because 9 times out of 10 I do feel affirmed and secure in my marriage, and I have to learn to balance my emotions and not put joy in a person and relationship instead of in God.
How does people pleasing show up in your life/marriage and what have you learned about it? I’d love to hear.
Hi, Hannah! Thanks for commenting… and sharing. I love how you expressed this and I completely agree.
I wanted to add that it’s SO good you realize this before marriage. I didn’t realize it fully and it made it harder once I was married, because I would blow things WAY out of proportion by being so fixated on pleasing my hubby.
I’m obviously not in a marriage or relationship as of right now 
but I feel very strongly that this will be an issue for me in marriage…for many different reasons (honestly, I do think it all started when, at a young age, I watched lots and lots of romantic hollywood comedies where girls and guys tell each other “you complete me” and “I’d die if you died” etc, etc..so much dependence on one person being shown as the healthy and “right” way to do things). Your thoughts are helpful, and it is causing me to think more and more right NOW about stopping that from starting in relationships and, one day, with my husband. I’m excited to hear what other people comment!
Though I’ve never used the term “people pleaser”, this sounds exactly like what I struggle with. I think that Satan uses this sin to hinder me from building relationships withing the body of Christ. I’m such a people pleaser that I avoid people, not just guys, but pretty much any group situation, because I assume they are thinking badly about me.
Have you ever read, When “People are Big and God is Small”? It’s a great book about fear of man, though I feel like it doesn’t address this reason for fearing man. Still a helpful read for me…
Oh, it’s definitely something that can hinder relationships, as you said. I have wanted to read that book for awhile… I’ve heard it’s really good.
Wow I am so thankful that I am not the only one that struggles with being a people pleaser and now that I am getting married this is something I really struggle with so thank you for this! What a good reminder!
I can relate. I have a really hard time when my husband has a differing opinion than I do. Thankfully on the big things we agree, but when it comes to smaller issues (choosing between two neutral things) he always seems so confident in his reasoning and I doubt my own. I assume that he’s right and I’m wrong (even if it’s not a right/wrong issue!). It causes a lot of turmoil and guilt in my heart. I know in those moments I’m not seeking out God and His desires, I’m just fixated on doing what my husband thinks is best. But most of the time he just wants me to chill out and choose!
Obviously this doesn’t make being “one” very easy, but I guess we are all working on it, aren’t we?
You really hit on something for me… I often place too much weight on what my husband thinks… as if he’s infallible. I know that sounds bad. Of course I honor and respect him and that’s good, but sometimes I put him on a pedestal and assume he can’t make errors in judgment, and if he’s not happy with me it must be because I’m a terrible, horrible person… instead of dealing with the issues rationally, repenting where needed, and knowing that neither of us is always right or always wrong. He’s actually pointed this out to me before!
I have the same struggles Anna – I often am very focused on how people perceive me, (am I liked, respected, admired?) and my emotions often follow what I see those perceptions to be.
I’ve seen this play out a bit already in my relationship with my fiance – he’ll bring up something he’s noticed (very graciously and biblically) in my life – maybe a sinful action or attitude, and rather than take that well and seek to change, I can get hurt or defensive, believing that his opinion of me is lowered.
Thankfully I’ve been able to see that and am trying to change…I am very thankful to have such a patient, loving fiance!
But I liked this post a lot – I’m glad to see that I am not the only one to struggle with this problem, and to be reminded of the importance of dealing with this sin in the context of marriage.
Wow – what an amazing post. I am seek so much affirmation in people around me too. I don’t know if I have anything to add – I’m not sure if I’ve gotten far enough with this struggle to have actually learned anything yet.
Hmm, interesting subject! I definitley struggle with being too concerned about what others think of me, but not so much in my marriage. I guess it’s because I feel pretty secure in my relationship with Derek, even when we don’t see eye-to-eye, but I think it might be actually a good thing if I was a little more concerned with making sure Derek is happy with me.
I remember very vividly, the night my Hubby & I had a conversation about what it means to please each other less, and God more. Ultimately, if we spend our effort seeking to be who God would have us be, we will in turn be the best we can for the people in our lives. And we can’t do any of that without first recognizing that it’s the precious blood of Jesus who makes it all possible in the first place.
I was going to recommend Ed Welch’s book – but I see someone already beat me to it It is a great one, definitely one I need to revisit!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while Anna, but have never said hello. So, “Hello!”
I want to let you know you’re not alone. I have the very same problem, only I’m not married yet. I often seek to please my boyfriend above everyone else, including God. I want him to be happy with me, and when things aren’t perfect, I think I must be doing something wrong. My god becomes my relationship with him, rather than the true and living God of the bible. I listen to my emotions (which are so deceptive sometimes) rather than remind myself of what’s true (the gospel).
I’ve been encouraged recently by listening to some talks about dealing with our emotions as women. They have been so helpful. And I find that when I focus on the gospel, and tell myself that it alone gives me true and lasting security and significance, I can relax about my relationship. I worry less about whether he’s happy with me because I know that because of the cross, God is pleased with me.