Stay-at-Home and Working Moms: My Thoughts
I’m a stay-at-home mom, and that automatically places me on one side of a cultural debate: whether it’s best for moms to stay home with their young children or work outside the home. From my lifestyle choice, I clearly believe there is validity to the stay-at-home option. But it may be unclear what I think about the working-outside-the-home option.
Of course, what matters isn’t what I think, but what God’s Word says. The verse most commonly used in defense of the position that women should stay home is Titus 2:5: “to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
This post is a brief summary of my view and not an in-depth Scriptural analysis, but I reached my conclusions after studying other Scriptures as well. What is clear in Scripture is that women, especially wives and mothers, are to make the home a high priority. What is not clear is exactly what this will look like for every woman in every situation in every culture.
The Bible simply doesn’t set out arbitrary lifestyle rules in this area. You will not find any verses that say it is wrong for a woman to work outside the home (the Proverbs 31 woman even bought and sold outside the home).
Another point to remember is that this debate is often framed by culture, even in Christian circles. We have the black-and-white options of staying at home, working at home, working outside the home part-time, or working outside the home full-time. We have various childcare options.
Women in many other cultures do not have options. Sometimes they must do hard labor just to eke out a meager survival. Sometimes their income is simply necessary in the household. Sometimes extended families live together and some of the women may work in various capacities while others will primarily be invested for caring for the children. It is easy to make swift, narrow applications based on a prosperous middle-class American mindset.
That doesn’t mean we can’t make practical applications using wisdom from the principles found in Scripture. Principle: The home is to be a high priority for every woman. Principle: Children need godly instruction. And the list goes on.
For me, the very first application I can make is that I shouldn’t look down on other families for their choices. Clearly there are many ungodly homes and terrible situations for children, but the mere fact that a mom works outside the home isn’t one of them. I shouldn’t draw hard and fast rules from Scripture that don’t exist, then use them to judge other families.
There are often many factors that play into a mom’s decision to work outside the home. Maybe she doesn’t want to work outside the home but her husband wants her to. Maybe her family legitimately needs the income. Maybe they’ve arranged for her to bring in a part-time income to help pay off debt. Or maybe they’ve simply decided that’s what’s best for their family at the time.
Our personal application in this area is that it is best in most cases for a mother of young children to stay home with them as much as possible. For biblical and practical reasons, I think young children need their mother’s care and instruction, and furthermore, I think it is the husband’s responsibility to be the primary provider.
It is my joy to stay home. We make sacrifices so I can. And I am thankful that I have the opportunity to do what we believe is best for our children in this area.
I see nothing wrong with encouraging mothers to turn their hearts toward home and consider staying with their children full-time if they have that option – not in a judgmental way, but showing how it is a good application of truths from Scripture.
All right, friends – what do you think? Your turn for the soapbox…
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A People-Pleaser Gets Married
I’ve had a couple conversations recently about being a “people-pleaser.”
I’m not a pleaser in the sense that I will do anything to make anyone happy. I am a pleaser in the sense that I am often overly focused on what certain people think of me.
This is a very common problem from what I hear. At root it’s a sin problem – fearing man instead of God.
I don’t think it’s wrong to desire the good opinion of others, especially of those we love. But it’s wrong to idolize that desire, to worry and sin when we’re not receiving affirmation.
Before I was married, I often avoided being around guys because I was so self-conscious and worried about how they perceived me. I saw myself as unattractive and in the way.
Since getting married, I desire my husband’s good opinion more than anyone else’s. I want him to be happy with me. There are many other people whose approval I want, but ultimately if A.J. is happy with me it doesn’t matter who else is or isn’t.
These feelings can be valid but I quickly carry them too far! Two sinners living together are going to provoke each other occasionally. But I can’t relax when everything isn’t perfectly smooth. I overanalyze. I try to control situations and prevent them from going downhill.
Seeking to live in love and at peace is one thing, but seeking to please and pacify people and manipulate circumstances is another. I have enough to do learning to treat others with love… I can’t control their responses or ensure that they will never be upset or irritated at me.
In the context of marriage, one of the biggest lessons I’m learning is to rest in God’s love for me through all the little ups and downs. If I expect a marriage of flawless peace that makes me feel constantly affirmed and secure, I’ll constantly be disappointed and unsettled. I’m learning what it means to seek real, solid peace in God’s real, constant love instead of finding my primary security in another human being.
Sometimes this is even harder because 9 times out of 10 I do feel affirmed and secure in my marriage, and I have to learn to balance my emotions and not put joy in a person and relationship instead of in God.
How does people pleasing show up in your life/marriage and what have you learned about it? I’d love to hear.
Nesting
Has it been a week already? My parents left yesterday (sad) but we had a great week with them (happy). Christian loved all the attention and it was sweet to see him bond with his grandparents.
Today marks 22 weeks of pregnancy, and I’m feeling so motivated to be productive!
My personal deadline for household organization is 6 weeks from today: 28 weeks along = third trimester. I want to get my big organizational projects done before then (garage, paperwork, closets, cupboards). After that I’ll work on the practical preparing-for-baby tasks.
In summary (I’m trying to write this post in 5 minutes): nesting is in full swing. The end.
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Vacuuming in Pearls
I put on a thrift store dress to do my cleaning today and then decided to wear a pearl necklace, just because I can. No heels, though… I’m barefoot. And pregnant. I’m all kinds of cliches today.
My parents are coming to visit tomorrow (sooo excited!). I’ve been cleaning and organizing in preparation for their arrival, and my oh my does it feel good. I have a few chores left while Christian is sleeping. He went down at 2 and it’s 2:30 now, so I should probably make this quick. It’s not possible to keep a 15-month-old off freshly washed floors if he’s awake.
The weather here has been gorgeous! If only it would stay in the low seventies all summer!
I’m off to mop, check my oil, and fold laundry. Really!
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Book Review: Beneath the Night Tree
Beneath the Night Tree by Nicole Baart is the third book in a series following Julia, an orphaned adolescent turned college student turned single mom. I was excited to discover Nicole’s writing when I was in college, because it’s simple and engaging and, in my humble opinion, a notch above a lot of other Christian fiction.
My curiosity about this book stemmed from comparisons to the first two in the series. After the Leaves Fall got me hooked on Nicole’s writing, especially because of Julia’s compelling character. Summer Snow was a bit less eventful, not quite as engaging, but still enjoyable.
In Beneath the Night Tree, Julia comes full circle. We meet the five-year-old child she only knew as an unborn baby in Summer Snow. Julia’s motherly relationship with her younger brother is fraught with tension and confusion as she navigates her relationship with her boyfriend Michael, as well as the unexpected reappearance of her son’s father. Julia’s grandma, a sweet and stable force in the series, encounters her own battles as well.
I loved the plotlines of the story. Several unresolved relationships are addressed, and the interplay of action, thought, and dialogue is deft and believable. I was a little disappointed at the direction the story took. To me the ending was predictable a short way into the book, but I enjoyed the journey because I entered into Julia’s confusion and turmoil along with her.
Disappointingly, discussion of Christianity is muted and general. Although this is better, perhaps, than a cliched approach of injecting a sermon into the novel at a climactic moment, I would love to see Christian fiction portray Christ with broad, beautiful brushstrokes instead of in hints here and there.
However, a refreshing aspect of Nicole’s writing is her ability to be discreet – she could carry her descriptions farther and push the envelope morally, but her restraint provides a richer story that doesn’t stoop to the world’s usual smut. Beneath the Night Tree was a satisfying conclusion to an enjoyable series.
Disclosure: I was provided a complimentary copy of this book for the purpose of writing a review.
What Perfection REALLY Is
Do you ever feel out of control in a particular area of life?
I’ve been struggling with that feeling in my home.
The dishes get washed, the laundry gets folded, meals are planned and prepared, and the bed is made. But you know the drill – what about moving beyond the basics? What about projects and decluttering? Anyone relate?
A few factors contribute to my being overwhelmed:
- an active 15-month-old
- a recurrent health issue (written about here)
- oh, and a little thing called pregnancy
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I’m Anna, and I’m a perfectionist.
What bothers me most isn’t the sickness – it’s my lack of perfection. I desire to have a perfectly tidy, decluttered home. And I turn that desire into an idol when I am anxious about how I will get everything done, or envious as I read Facebook and blogs about others who are making their homes beautiful.
Laziness is different. I know when I’m being lazy. But the discouragement that’s been following me is that I want to do so much, yet my health right now prevents me from being a perfectionist.
Cleanliness is good. Productivity is good. But I am human. I have God-given limitations. If God sends me an illness, that might mean I can’t do everything I want to.
What’s worth crying about?
I’m glad I was led to read the post Teach Your Daughters Wailing this week. It reminded me that the very problem of having too much stuff and not enough space is unknown to millions. While I’m having a pity party because I feel overwhelmed, people are grieving the loss of a loved one; Haitian women are being victimized*; poverty kills 24,000 children a day; and 340 million people do not have a Bible translation in their language.
In that post, author Ann Dunagan wrote:
“Our family doesn’t care for crying around the house — unless we have something to really cry about. The other day, our competitive 10-year-old started whining-and-crying about losing a game of Monopoly, which resulted in an instant lecture from me about how crying is for real-stuff — like when someone is dying, or a kid is starving, or when we need to repent.”
Long before my to-do list…
This past Sunday, our pastor preached an encouraging Mother’s Day message. (If you would like the link, feel free to email me.) One point struck me the most: before I focus on my to-do list, I need to focus on what Christ has already done on my behalf!
If I think my #1 problem is clutter
and my solution is productivity…
I’m forgetting that my real problem is sin
and my solution is my Savior and his death on the cross!
In another recent message, our pastor reminded us that God does not just wipe our slate clean because of Christ’s death – but He applies Christ’s righteousness to us, so every day we can rest in the ongoing perfection of who we are in Jesus. As we strive to obey Him, we must know it is not our obedience that makes us worthy in His sight. Instead of living in guilt, we can be free! Not living in slavery! Not bound by rules and to-do lists… but knowing that Jesus has done it all!
Freedom
Isn’t that the most amazing truth? I know that some of you are dealing with illness or injuries, some very serious. What is it like for you to lay down the idea of control and find freedom in the gospel?
*not for young readers
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She’s still so little…
With all the talk about how easy the second trimester is, I expected it to be smooth sailing. Last time I didn’t have a one-year-old and I was relieved to be free from nausea. I enjoyed these middle weeks to the fullest. I was also smaller last time.
Now I’m feeling a little apprehensive as I realize at 20 weeks I’m feeling the achiness and back pain after being on my feet for several hours. I’m also getting increasingly tired.
And I have 20 weeks to go? I guess I better settle in for the long haul, because this baby has a lot of growing to do yet…
We have three little dresses for Tabitha… two we bought, and one from a friend. I hung them in Christian’s closet and it’s so strange to see pink and purple amidst all the blue and green. But so exciting.
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A name, a home, and other Tuesday miscellany.
It’s going to be a steaming hot day. Christian and I just came home from his doctor’s appointment and it’s already well over 80°. And I’m drinking a hot beverage. I’m not sure what I was thinking, other than that I fell asleep after midnight and got up at 6:30, and a rare caffeinated treat sounded good.
In the vein of Carissa’s Miscellany Mondays, I’m declaring it Miscellany Tuesday since there are several topics I want to write about.
1. Our girl’s name: Tabitha Grace.
I like to have a name picked ASAP after the gender reveal. It’s so fun to go from saying “the baby” to a name and a gender. We had a tentative name, but I wasn’t 100% on it, and on Friday after my appointment A.J. suggested Tabitha. I liked it right away because it’s old-fashioned, everyone knows how to spell it, and it’s in the Bible – but it’s not overused, unlike our other name choice. But please don’t nickname her… I don’t want her to be a Tabi! I know Grace is a very common middle name, especially among Christians, but it’s so meaningful and pretty that we wanted to include it.
2. Bye-bye, computer. Hello, cleaning.
My computer crashed once and for all last Thursday. It’s completely unresponsive. I can use A.J.’s laptop, but I think it’s a good thing that mine crashed because I am less tempted to get on during the day. Also, I gave up on the Homemaker’s Challenge because I wasn’t able to be consistent with it last week, and I have other cleaning priorities right now. And I don’t want to be tied down to blogging plans. It’s not a good season for that. But I’m still excited to go through the ebook at my own pace.
3. 20 weeks.
I’m officially at the halfway point today. It’s a great place to be. I have so much more I want to get done before she arrives, and I still have a good stretch of the second trimester left… but being halfway there makes it seem not so impossibly faraway.
4. Baby sleep.
I’ve read or skimmed a lot of books on infant/child sleep, but without a doubt my favorite is Good Night, Sleep Tight by “The Sleep Lady,” Kim West. She uses a gentle, attended cry-it-out method for older infants (which can be easily modified based on your preferences), but gives so much practical advice – no stringent rules! I read it several months ago and just checked it out from the library again, to refresh myself on newborn habits – and ended up getting some refreshers on a better routine for Christian. Highly recommended!
5. Making home.
I’ve been approaching homemaking from a fresh perspective the past few days. I feel so settled in my routines – they’re realistic; the challenge is to carry them out consistently. The following are two quotes I’ve pondered recently and I find them so refreshing:
“Truth be told, the only way to really keep a house spotless is to establish a routine and stay with it. This is how our grandmothers kept house–they just plugged away at it every single day, bit by bit (especially if it was messy to begin with) until it becomes simply a matter of maintaining a pristine home as opposed to taxing oneself by cleaning the house top-to-bottom every single day. Sometimes we have to be reminded that not every midcentury woman was as perfect as June Cleaver or Harriet Nelson, but their homes often looked as if they were.” -Jess, commenting on Liana: the (vintage-loving) Housewife
“(W)e want everything to be quick and easy, or we think we do. But there is something in the human soul that longs for beauty beyond necessity. Of course it is easier not to make the bed. But there is a substantial difference between turning down a neatly made bed in the evening and lying down in a mess of sheets left from the night before. To be beautiful, a home need not be luxurious in size or contents. The beauty of a well-kept home may arise simply from structure and ritual and attention to detail, things that can be present even in the most modest of homes.” -Margaret Kim Peterson in Keeping House
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On Solitude and Being a SAHM
I only worked 10 hours a week for most of my first pregnancy. I stayed home a lot. (And I’m very thankful I could, because daycares + 2-year-olds + 4 months of sickness don’t mix well.)
When Christian was born I struggled a lot less with loneliness and depression. I felt like I had a purpose for being home now, instead of aimlessly waiting for the days to pass and keeping up with my to-do list. This was what I had been waiting for!
But that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel alone sometimes as a mom.
It’s easier for me to be alone than it is for some people, I realize. I’m an introvert, and if I’m around people for too long, I need a break to recharge. I think, though, no matter who you are, it gets a little wearisome spending 40-50 hours a week with only your toddler for company. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christian, I love staying home with him, and I know many women would love to have this opportunity. And we do get out of the house and see people during the week. But the majority of the time I’m at home… and sometimes it still takes some getting used to.
For some reason when I think of solitude I think of extreme examples, like Corrie ten Boom being imprisoned alone for several months before she was sent to a concentration camp, or Richard Wurmbrand, who was punished for his faith with solitary confinement for over a decade.
That helps give me some perspective. Those great saints were able to psychologically and emotionally weather the solitude by relying on Christ and knowing they weren’t ever truly alone.
Obviously my home is not a prison, and I don’t look at it that way – but how much more can the “first world problem” of SAHM solitude (or solitude + a toddler) be a reminder for me to rely more on the Lord for comfort and encouragement.
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