Dear Blog,
To write or not to write… I’m afraid I may sound emo.
Truth be told, it’s been a rough week.
I’ve never experienced such drawn-out health issues in my life. The concussion I wrote about a few months ago cleared up a few weeks later, and almost immediately afterward I got a sinus infection that lasted 13 weeks. Both conditions included chronic neck pain.
My infection cleared up for a couple weeks in January. Then I got a cold and it’s been back in full force for a week, pain and all.
Honestly, I am in discouraged in many ways.
I know people who deal with chronic pain and disease much worse than this. And I think they must have greater faith than me. And not be wimps like I am.
During the two weeks I was healthy, I jumped on top of my household routines and everything ran smoothly. I had energy for Christian.
Now it is a struggle again.
I love love love being a stay-at-home mom. I’ve never even desired to work outside the home. But this past week I’ve caught myself imagining it a few times… having some structure, sitting down at a desk with a cup of coffee and working on a project… another life always sounds appealing when our circumstances are difficult.
I just don’t understand why I’ve had these health issues in the first year of being a mom. I want to be a good mom. I’ve yearned for this all my life. I don’t want to survive each day, but to thrive. Yet I feel like I’m surviving.
And I feel like I am going to get behind if I’m not constantly reevaluating Christian’s growth and development week by week, reminding myself of what he’s capable of, making sure I teach him to read at 2.5 years old…
I’m not taking enough pictures…
The office is a mess…
I haven’t made his baby book yet…
I’m not cut out for this job.
The mommy guilt is constant and intense. The desire to excel is constant and intense, but when will I ever feel like myself?
There’s more underneath the surface that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but this is why I haven’t blogged this week.
To anyone who’s emailed or contacted me in some way, I’ve been slacking on getting back to you and I hope I can soon!
I’ve been enjoying reading your blogs, friends, and am dearly encouraged by so many of you – your devotion to the Lord as a single woman or a wife or mom.
Here’s a song that encouraged me yesterday:
Thank you, friend! You are always such an encouragement with life-giving words!
I am praying for you this morning. I suffered from a cronic illness for over a year that left me in bed. It is rough, I know.
Think instead of jobs to be checked off your list, that it is more cyclical (sp?). The dishes will never stay clean, the beds will always need to be made again. Think of it all as more of a routine.
Thanks for sharing.
Wow, Tamara! Thank you for sharing that and for your encouragement.
Dearest Anna,
I will say a prayer for you right now! I can imagine how you have been feeling and I can imagine it is rough. I know our God though will supply your every need and give you grace for each day! I hope you get to feeling 100% so very soon!
Just be encouraged you no longer have to feel guilt or shame, because of what Jesus did on the cross for you– Give all your motherly worries to Him and I know He will give you the strength! Live in the power of the gospel, dear sister! 
Much love to you!
<3
Abigail, I can’t think of a more appropriate response… thank you! You are right, the gospel is what I need.
OH, how I get this! The desire to thrive, not knowing how and wondering if something else, anything else, would help?
But it IS a season. One that will pass. These early years are hard, across the board. Life curls and straightens and the difficult can seem to outweigh the good. My current strategy? To find the good in the hour, the minute, and embrace it with all your might. Remember that perfection isn’t necessary. Find the sparkle in the right now. <3
Thank you, Ashleigh. That means a lot coming from you, because you are stronger than I can ever imagine being!
Oh Anna – I am 52 years old – this is not my first time around it is my …I’ve lost count with all the foster kids… and I still struggle with all the things you mention. Am I just dumb ? Am I slow learner? Am I the most sinful person of all? I dont know? All I am sure of is living in this world is a struggle (there are little joys!) But in the end i will go somewhere where i will no longer struggle or sin or say goodby or cry and i will finally understand all this … i will be home … with Him .. and tht makes the hope of Heaven all the sweeter!
Eventually that is the conclusion I always come to. I don’t know what struggles I’ll continue to have in this life. All I know is that I’ll have them. But I do know that one day through Jesus’ blood I’ll be in a place of unmarred beauty and freedom! And that is all I have to cling to sometimes.
I’m so sorry, Anna. Not being in the same season of life as you, I can’t say that I have ever experienced mother’s guilt, but it sounds similar to the guilt I sometimes experience. Satan is forever speaking lies to us, telling us that we are failures, dissapointments to God. And yet, God delights in us… Crazy!
I’m praying for total healing for you. I have faith that God can do that if it is His will, because I’ve seen Him do it so many times.
Thank you so much for your prayers!
Aw, it’s ok. Will be praying for you. Don’t let yourself get sucked into guilt. Pray each day that God will show you what HE wants you to get done. Then He’ll give you the power to do it. Of course there’s lots of stuff we’d like to do, but sometimes all we can get done is just what is on HIS agenda.
On a practical note, I don’t know what you’re insurance is like, but I’ve had SI joint issues and chronic neck pain. I’ve been seeing a physical therapist and it’s helped a lot. Sometimes carrying a baby and lots of time on the computer can be REALLY bad for your neck. My PT told me laptops are the worse because they’re not eye level and you end up having bad posture to look at the screen. If you haven’t seen anyone about your neck, might be worth it. Also, heat may help. Hope you get better!
It’s a good point, Danielle! I was told to see a physical therapist by my doctor, but couldn’t work it out with my schedule unfortunately. My heating pad helps though.
Definitely praying for you anna! I know what it is like to be sick and I could not imagine what it is like to be sick and have a little one. You can do all things through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is carrying you. Praying and hugs!
Thank you, Katy! (hug)
I so understand how you’re feeling. I’ve been dealing with heaps of mommy guilt, too, over the past week. It’s so…draining. I don’t deal with chronic pain, but I do struggle with not being able to maintain household routines and having energy for my daughter. I know how it feels to be caught in this place where you want to do so much more but you’re exhausted & feel like it’s so easy to do too much. I am such a type-A perfectionist, a messy house and undone to-do list grates on my nerves. I miss having lots of one-on-one time with husband..it is such a learning process to accept where I am & to find joy in everyday moments. I am praying that your physical pain is lifted soon! The Lord is so faithful and good to be near to us in our times of struggle! {hugs}
Oh Kendra, I so remember those early infant days of never having one-on-one time with my husband! It was so hard for me. Eventually Christian got into a bedtime routine, and for months we’ve had plenty of alone time. It will get better.
And thanks for sharing your struggles as well. Undone tasks grate on my nerves as well… it’s hard finding a balance!
I’m so sorry you’re going through these struggles, Anna. Praying light will come soon.
Thank you!! <3
Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel less alone. I was thinking the same thing yesterday – “I wish we were thriving instead of just surviving!”
I am realizing that right now in this season of life I just can’t do what I was once able to do – even a few months ago. I am trying to be okay with that instead of feeling guilty about it (“trying” is the key word there!). And, that I must trust God with my son. I really have no other option. There is grace for me as his mom. I hope you are feeling that deep down, too.
A verse has been particularly comforting to me as of late: “He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” (Isa 40:11)
Also, I forgot to mention, have you tried a neti pot? People swear by them for chronic sinus issues and I found it helped some during the last flu/cold.
I just have to second elisabeth and say–get yourself a neti pot, and use it as much as you need to feel relief–at least twice up to several times a day. It really really works. When I have a sinus infection I add 5 drops of goldenseal tincture to each pot, and it’s always gone very quickly–quicker than with antibiotics. And, I’ve had chronic sinus infections my whole life–including surgery to help take care of them. So, I know of what I speak.
I pray you feel encouraged with regards to motherhood. Guilt is simply the devil, whispering in your ear. And yet, christian mothers with the best of intentions listen to the voice of guilt so well. I think that is why it is a very effective tool of the devil. I pray you feel better physically and encouraged spiritually and emotionally.
I have heard nothing but good things about the neti pot! I was even talking to my husband about it last night. My hesitation is that I don’t have much nasal congestion (sorry if this is TMI), just sore throat, postnasal drip, ear/head pressure and fullness… so I’m not sure how effective it would be for that. But I’m willing to try almost anything at this point!
Totally not too much TMI–haha. I’m a mom, you cannot possibly gross me out, ha! Honestly–what you’re describing that you’re feeling is when the neti pot gives me the most relief from the pain… I know exactly what you’re talking about, and it really helps with that empty but heavy, burning sinus pain that makes you feel like you might get relief if someone threw bricks at your head?! I think it helps because it moisturizes the sinuses? That empty burning sinus pain is horrible… hope you feel better!!
Anna,
I agree with the neti pot theory. Even if you don’t have much congestion, it moisturizes and eases the pain. I have had chronic sinus infections since we moved south. It always ended with extreme headaches, a trip to the doctor and an antibiotic. The last two times I’ve felt them coming on, I’ve used the NeilMed Sinus Rinse (a little easier to use than the neti pot but the same result)and I’ve beat them!
I’m committed now to using it all the time to prevent future infections (I hope). We also keep a humidifier running in the house during the winter while the heat is on. That seems to help, too.
I also have an only child. She’s 9 now but I did struggle with your same issues and honestly, still do. I always thought we’d have another child but God didn’t have that as His plan.
In looking back, I wish I had pushed her to spend more time in independent activities at a younger age. As much as we’d like to, we cannot be our child’s constant companion and entertainment. It’s okay to develop the skill of being alone.
I’d suggest putting Christian where he can see you, play some fun music and give him something to occupy him, and just talk to him as you do your own activities.
I’ll be praying for you. Relax and enjoy that precious baby.
Anna, I am sorry to hear about your chronic neck pain. I have been suffering with chronic pain for over 7 years due to fibromyalgia and arthritis, which makes daily activities difficult on the really bad days. I am thankful that my daughters are older now (ages 20 and 16) because it was much more difficult to “keep up” when they were younger. I can’t imagine how hard it must be with the demands of a baby when you are in chronic pain. Just know that I am praying for you, Anna!!
Praying for you, Anna! God is glorified through you. He does not need – nor want – your works, just your heart, one He finds righteous and good because of His blood, not because of you. Your husband and child love you, as well, just because they do; they always will. As my husband always reminds me, there is NOTHING I can do to earn His love! He delights in us, even when we do not delight in ourselves.
Amber
Girl, I hear ya. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with a chronic issue! Ditto the neti pot, it sure won’t hurt to try. Praying for you, girlfriend.
Have a good rest, Anna! 
Jesus wants us to have enough time to rest physically and to rest in Him too, as much as He wants us to excel.
I’ve been through depression for a couple of years as a teenager which started from stress and I had to go through medication. But God has been so faithful and used that season in my life to learn that I need to take some break too and just enjoy everyday as it is.
Praying for you and your family! Regards to your cute baby!
OH Anne….praying for you as you go through this season! I am SO glad that your concussion pain went away though! But I totally understand when you say that you don’t want to be surviving, you want to be thriving. In so many ways, I agree! Although there aren’t many words that can really reach into a person and wrap around their heart, do know that I care about you and will be thinking and praying – and that He loves YOU! Bask in His glorious love for you and how He can comfort you!
Love you!
[...] seem like enough for the outpouring of encouragement and prayers I received in response to my last post. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing, including in the online [...]
just now seeing this, Anna – I’m behind on blog reading these days – but praying for grace and peace for you. I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with such struggles.
[...] a recurrent health issue (written about here) [...]
You don’t sound emo at all…just honest (and human, too). Thank you for sharing – really. I don’t remember having any knowledge of the concept of Mommy guilt before I had Charlotte, but if I had, I had NO grasp of just how intense it would be. I definitely understand that. And I will be praying for your health issues and your heart, because you really are so wonderful and I appreciate and love you very much!