It’s Not All in My Head
I’ve been avoiding writing this post. Sidestepping the explanation. I don’t want to talk about it, here or in real life (other than with A.J., who hears every last detail). Yet I do. Maybe because I complain. And hopefully because I’m learning the beauty of fellowship and encouragement in the body of Christ. So I will explain here too, even though I often feel like no one will understand, and I’m ashamed for bringing it up. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity or try to elicit your pity.
Why am I writing about it, then? I suppose it’s because I’ve been chronicling my life here for years. Many experiences can never be shared publicly… but this is not one of them. It’s defining for me right now, and I simply feel the urge in my fingertips to spill it out.
The other aspect of my hesitation is that I could be significantly better anytime. And it probably will be sooner rather than later. This season in my life could be over tomorrow, and my angst will be for naught. But today is today. So I write.
Last week, I wrote Surviving As Mama When You’re Sick. I mentioned my May post Understanding, where I described how A.J. suffered from post-concussion syndrome throughout 2009 and into the beginning of this year, and then I got a mild concussion as he was recovering.
Post-concussion syndrome is not dependent on the severity of the initial impact. I didn’t pass out or experience amnesia (as far as I remember, ha!), but the past several months have been a roller coaster of symptoms, complicated by minor bumps here or there that made things worse for a time. I had head pressure, fatigue, suffocating brain fog, and depression. By the end of the summer I gradually felt better.
In September after I pushed myself back into an exercise routine, my symptoms worsened again. I began having moderately severe neck pain and headaches, accompanied by more exhaustion and brain fog. My pain wasn’t disabling, but constant and intense, and along with the fatigue it was often difficult to function by the end of the day.
I’ve also been anxious like never before – physically anxious, shaky over the slightest stressor, even on the verge of panic attacks.
This week and last week have been extremely difficult. My symptoms were as bad as they’ve ever been. I’ve had a lot of dizziness and trouble driving. I have good days and bad days, though, and when you’re talking to me you probably can’t even tell that I have it.
So now you know the outward story. But what about the inner experience?
It’s lonely. A.J. tells me post-concussion syndrome is called the invisible broken arm. It’s disabling but no one can see it. Hardly anyone has experienced it. It seems made-up. And how bizarre that I would get it so soon after A.J.
It’s been one of the most fearful things I’ve ever gone through, because it’s affected my cognitive abilities. I’m a bookworm and I love academics, but it’s hard for me to read now. I’ve waited my whole life to be a wife and mother, and now playing with Christian takes effort and focus when I’m mentally exhausted. I don’t want to feel that way.
I often want to lie down, close my eyes, and wait until the whole thing is over.
I want to end on a hopeful note, wrap up the story with a bow. But it’s not over yet. I feel emotionally disconnected, even in a spiritual sense, which is wrong, because not even brain fog should prevent me from being spiritually-minded.
I need to cry out to the Lord in desperation, more than I do. I sense His Spirit gently speaking to me, reminding me not to rely on myself but on Him. I think maybe He is leading me through this helpless place to show me how much I need Him always.
So now you know where I am and where I’ve been. (Oh, and I do have a doctor’s visit coming up. It’s my first one, so I’m self-diagnosed, but A.J. and I have seen this injury from the inside for a year and a half, and my symptoms line up exactly.)
I didn’t think this would be a part of my story, especially at this point in my life. But it is. And now I’ve told it.
Photo by ben matthews :::
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers!
Oh, I’m sorry Anna – it must be frustrating to feel that way and not know how to make it better! I’ll be praying for you to recover quickly, and for a good doctor’s appointment.
I am praying for you – always.
praying for you Anna, that sounds so hard
So glad you opened up! Now I know how I can be praying for you! If you ever need a break, I’m just down the street and would love to help in any way!
Feeling like your mind is controlled by something outside you is so, so scary. I can only imagine the combination of those symptoms. Praying for clarity and hope!
Oh bless you, Anna – I pray that you would be completely healed and restored from this. Most of all, may God protect and grow your faith through all this, which is more precious than gold.
I have struggled with a lot of different health problems this year, and although they have been “visible”, it has still really hit me internally – so I can only imagine what it is like for you.
We ARE the Body of Christ. And we stand in prayer with you, sister.
Oh, Anna! You’ve been on my heart and mind for the past few days! I’ve been meaning to email you to see how I could better and more specifically pray for you (but in laws were in town, and my time was eaten with them). Thank you so much for opening up and sharing! I will be praying for you and thinking of you so often! I’d love to chat on Sunday and see if there is any way that I could be a practical help as well…we’ll catch up then. I’ll be praying!
Anna, thanks for your honesty. I will be praying for you!
About 9 years ago I was in a sledding accident and broke my back, thankfully the surgery was successful and for the first 3 years post surgery I was doing great. Then I struggled with debilitating pain for the next 3 years…in the midst of health concerns, trials, difficulty and joys, I find the Lord gives me songs and Scripture to fill my mind…as I read your post, the song “None but Jesus” came to mind & I hope it is helpful for you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axqXMuW8×1U).
Today, I live pain free & praise the Lord for His healing and all He taught me through the experience.
Although I only know you through blogging, I’m really enjoying getting to know you. 
Praying for healing & peace for you!
None But Jesus
In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call i won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos in confusion
I know You’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more
Wow, thank you for sharing your story, Megan! And thank you for posting that song. I loved it in college and it was incredibly sweet and refreshing to listen to it again.
I’m glad you shared! Praying your upcoming Dr’s appointment sheds some light on things, and leads to a road of recovery. The closest I have to “knowing” the frustration is trying to help Hubby through his migraines. The pretty much shut his entire body down, and it is so hard for him. Praying!!
I’m praying for you as well, dear Anna. God is so faithful, He will bring you healing in His way and in His time…Hope it’s sooner rather than later!
Sorry to hear about this “illness” you’ve had. Hope the doctor visit is helpful and God provides grace and strength. I’ve had a friend who’s had a long term mysterious illness for years and finally got diagnosed and treated a few weeks ago after many tests. She had very low counts of dhda and now is taking supplements for it and feels amazingly better, so I know from being friends with her how frustrating and depleting something like this can be.
Oh, I’m so sorry. Will lift you up in prayer. I really hope your doctor appointment will help.
Hey Anna – my cousin had this last year – he is a linebacker at Auburn University. His physical therapist recommended a supplement meant specifically for brain function and healing, and my cousin recovered extremely fast. Here’s the link to the stuff…
I hope you feel better!!!
I hope you’re glad you posted this. You are such an encouragement and you totally allowed Jesus to shine through this post amidst the suffering. Way to be, Anna. Praying for you.
[...] you all dearly for your kind comments on Thursday’s post. Your outpouring of encouragement meant so much to [...]
Anna, I may be a tad late, but just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I’ve been going through some struggles, health being one of them. It’s been going on pretty much all year, but the Lord has been so good to me through it. He’s used this “valley” to refine me in aways I never could have been otherwise. It’s hard, but I’m now at the point I am thankful I got sick.
Just want to say, I feel your pain, and please know, the Lord will bring you through this. *hugs*
I have been struggling with an “invisible illness” for the last 7 years, with brain fog being one of the symptoms. Some days I can’t seem to complete a thought, speak intelligently, or remember anything, and it is very frustrating.
I constantly have to ask people to repeat what they have said.
I will keep you in prayer, Anna.
So, I have been putting off reading this post in my reader based on the title, “It’s Not All In My Head,” but I was compelled to read it today. It touched me to my very core, and my heart cries out for you (and for me).
Post-concussion syndrome is something that I know all too well. I’ve been dealing with the cognitive difficulties, neck and head pain (I have chronic, debilitating migraines), etc… for 2 years. The car accident I was in wasn’t really a very bad one, but the injuries it left me with have changed my life in drastic ways. It truly is invisible, and it’s frustrating.
I hope your doctor appointment went well. I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. Blessings, dear one.
Jamie, thank you so much for your comment. I’m heading to your blog now…
thank you for writing this…i have been struggling with severe post concussion syndrome for almost a year now…and it’s encouraging to hear that other people are dealing with similar things. thanks.
[...] pretty well! I mentioned PCS. Awhile back I remember reading Anna’s post on it, titled “It’s Not All in My Head” and thinking how horrible it would be to experience PCS. Well, here I am. The pain has [...]
Anna, I only “know” you through blogging, but my heart goes out to you! Thanks your authenticity – I prayed for you tonight.