How to Be a Biblical Wife
Photo by Amy V. Miller
My title is a little ironic, since there is no 12-step program to become a biblical anything. It’s a work of grace in the heart through faith. But that grace drives us toward obedience and learning what the will of the Lord is.
Here are “Five Biblical Principles Concerning the Wife’s Submission,” paraphrased from The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. Conviction, conviction, conviction! Are you ready?
1. Submit to your husband in all things unless he asks you to sin.
“The husband is the head of the home, and the wife is to submit to even very small and seemingly unimportant requests or directives from him because they are important to him.” (p. 143)
2. Do not be afraid to do the right thing.
“A submissive wife is not afraid of doing the ‘right thing.’ She entrusts herself to God, knowing that in difficulty, God will give her the grace she needs to get through it at the very time she needs it.” (p. 146)
3. Be submissive even if your husband is not a Christian.
“When a Christian woman is married to an unbeliever, her responsiblity is to live a godly life and respond to her husband with respect. Her attitude should be one of being for him and not against him.” (p. 146)
4. Do not dishonor the Word of God.
“When a wife is not submissive to her husband, she brings shame to God’s Word because she is not living up to the standard God has clearly laid out for the godly wife.” (p. 148)
5. Seek training and counsel on submission from a godly older woman.
“Part of this instruction involved the older woman instructing the younger woman in what she is doing wrong biblically. If the younger woman is wise, she will listen to the ‘life-giving reproof’ and eventually ‘acquire wisdom’ (Prov. 15:32, 33).” (p. 150)
You might have a tough time agreeing with these ideas. Or you might be like me and think they are great in theory… but much more difficult to put into practice!
A.J. mentioned to me something our pastor said recently to the men: focus on your responsibility to love your wife, not your wife’s responsibility to submit to you. And I think in the same way I should focus on my responsibility to submit, not his responsibility to love me.
Before I got married, I thought this would be easier than it is. I didn’t picture myself arguing, being sarcastic, questioning, manipulating, etc. I thought I was better than that. Was I ever wrong. By God’s grace I seek to submit, and it is a long journey toward obedience.
I’ve been lurking for awhile and now I’m delurking to ask a question. How does this look in practice? Does submission mean no discussing things with your husband? Basically, as someone who is getting married in just under three months, I’d sort of like to know how to put this into practice.
Thank you for commenting, Kristi, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Submission definitely does not mean that you can’t discuss things with your husband! It means having a heart of respect and a disposition to let him lead and initiate. Scripture dictates that a man’s love for his wife should be modeled after Christ’s love for His church. Christ nourishes and cherishes His church. He doesn’t demean her. Husbands have a biblical responsibility to lead their wives with love, listen to them, and honor them. But in turn we as wives have the responsibility to learn how to respect our husbands.
This website has good answers to some common questions: http://www.cbmw.org/Questions-and-Answers
One of their articles on a husband’s responsibilities: http://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/What-Should-Be-the-Husband-s-Role-in-Marriage
Love and Respect in Marriage: https://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/Love-and-Respect-in-Marriage
Male Leadership: https://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/Male-Leadership
I hope that helps a little! I am by no means an expert so that is why I have mostly drawn from others’ writing in this area. 
Certainly not easy…really, very very hard.
I liked that book, although not the writing. Too much like “curriculum” to me, but I guess that’s really what it was.
I appreciated her teaching on submission. I especially like how she discussed being a “friend” to your husband, and just because your husband is your husband, you don’t discount all the verses that deal with friendship and the fact that first and foremost your husband is a “brother in Christ.” So that includes confrontation (loving) and dealing with sin issues in your husband’s life. That is the loving thing to do. Sadly, traditional submission looks very much like a push-over. Clear teaching on this is far few and far between!
So to Kristi, I’d say no, submission does not mean not discussing things with your husband and sharing your viewpoint. What it does mean is respecting a final decision, even if you don’t agree with it. For some marriages, when a couple are very opposite, this may be a frequent occurrence. In other marriages, it may be rare when major viewpoints between spouses lineup.
What do the rest of you think?
I agree that the idea of submission can be abused. Whereas evangelical feminism dislikes the concept of submission being unique to the wife, there is also an ultra-conservative view that regards the wife more like a child than a woman. Husbands are told to honor and cherish their wives, and husbands and wives are one flesh, and equally heirs of grace if they are both Christians. Sometimes it’s hard to find the balance when speaking of submission because of the fact that it can be carried too far either way… not that we can respect our husbands too much, but that there can be a twisted view of submission that is demeaning to a wife.
I meant to say, “In other marriages, it may be rare when major viewpoints between spouses DON’T lineup.”
At my engagement party, your great aunt told me, “If you think he should be more loving, then you should be more submissive. If he thinks you should be more submissive, then he should be more loving.” You’re right in that this is a lifelong pursuit of sanctification. Just when I think I’m doing well in the submission department, God by His grace reveals some area that needs work. How I thank Him for the beautiful grace of the gospel by which He sees me as always submissive because of Christ.
Good post, Anna! It’s true, it’s alot harder to put into practice than it sounds – but it’s worth striving toward!
Good post. I got married just about 2 months ago, and submission is much harder than I thought, and I would have never considered myself an argumentative person (far from it). But yes, as another reader said it is worth it.
Congratulations on your marriage, and thank you for sharing so honestly.
[...] How to Be a Biblical Wife I shared five principles of biblical submission from The Excellent Wife by Martha [...]
Very good points, and I totally agree…I never thought it would be SO hard to do. Marriage and motherhood have a way of highlighting our sinful nature.