Renewed : 1,000 Gifts

“You are crossed in your desires, and so you are discontented and vexed and fretted about it; is that your only misery, that you are crossed in your desires? No, no, you are infinitely mistaken; the greatest misery of all is for God to give you up to your heart’s lusts and desires, to give you up to your own counsels… Think thus: Lord, you have laid an afflicted condition upon me, but, Lord, you have not given me the plague of a hard heart.” (Jeremiah Burroughs)

Being a new mother has introduced me to unfamiliar pressures, a hand tightening around my selfishness. My carefully laid plans go awry. My desire for undisturbed peace, leisure, and perfect order goes unfulfilled. I must constantly go against my naturally untalkative disposition.

Small sacrifices, these, made by millions of mothers before me, my own mother and hers, generations of crying babies at midnight, sweet neediness and dependence. Some call it the giving up of personhood, as if I am no longer Anna, only Mama.

No, my life became fuller when my son was born. I know the yearning of maternal affection, the gathering him to my arms’ comfort when he is crying.

But in some sense perhaps I am giving up “personhood” – I am being emptied daily, and I can selfishly resent my responsibilities when I am just. so. tired… or I can choose to lean on the suffiency of grace for patience and compassion.

***
244. Separation anxiety. It must be grown out of, yes. But I am the calming equilibrium in my baby’s world… and I love that for now.
245. Ibprofen.

246. Galatians.
247. Being invited over for a meal and uplifting conversation.
248. People who give and give and give.
249. Friends who are willing to share their struggles.
250. Long-distance friends who stay in touch.

251. Whole wheat chocolate chip cookies.
252. Christian’s two bottom teeth.
253. My dad buying a webcam for us.
254. My mom! and sister! coming to visit! this weekend!
255. The fact that I have all five of my senses.

256. The ability to walk.
257. Freedom from life-altering disease.
258. Knowing that no matter what happens to my physical body, I am being renewed inwardly day by day.
259. Having comfort in looking forward to old age, something the world only dreads.
260. Seeing true beauty in women I know, far surpassing magazine covers.

261. The way the blogosphere allows me to connect with like-minded women.
262. A visit to the nearby outdoor mall on Saturday.
263. Being challenged and convicted in my faith.
264. The Spirit groaning for me when I don’t know how to pray.

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