Is being a wife, mom, and homemaker really that hard?
Photo by ~K~
Recently I was browsing an online message board that linked to one of my posts. (They liked it, which surprised me, since most of their posts are negative… so this isn’t to return criticism for criticism!)
One of their posts was about women who are wives and mothers (especially those who stay home full-time, I presume), and blog about their homemaking. Apparently we do it to make ourselves seem important.
“It’s really not that hard,” the poster said (this is a very loose paraphrase based on my memory only). “These women write about their organizational plans and share supposedly helpful tips just to make their work seem more important. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to watch kids and keep a house clean.”
This raised my defenses, since I fit right into that class – stay-at-home mommy bloggers.
Rather than writing a kneejerk response, though, I wanted to think about their claim a little further.
I think those of us living this life would say, of course it’s hard. Of course it’s challenging and requires self-sacrifice and servanthood. Of course it stretches us beyond anything we’d ever imagined.
But are zealous for recognition? Do we congratulate ourselves on our heroic work, when really we’re only doing our minimum duty? Do we take our eyes off Christ and fix them on ourselves?
I know I’m guilty of all of the above on a regular basis.
I’ll be writing more about this in the days to come in a series entitled Is It Really That Hard?
What are your thoughts? Do you think wives and mothers exaggerate our responsibilities and ignore our comforts and privileges? Do you feel the need for recognition in your role, or are you content to serve unknown?
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said a lot of the difficulty is emotional… it’s so true!
The tasks in and of themselves may not be hard but I think it is more of the heart issue behind those tasks. I may get through my day of “to-do list” but when I look back over my day did I do everything to glorify Him and to further His kingdom in my children’s lives and those surrounding me? Did I do it with a joyful spirit even if I may have to struggle through? That is where I think it is hard. It is hard to be tired and cranky and only want to do what I want to do and have to push past that to serve my husband and home. Sometimes I am able to do it (with God’s grace and strength) and others days absolutely fail. But even on those days that I feel I fail I can return to His grace and love and start anew learning from each failure and success. Now on needing to be recognized? Knee jerk reaction is no! Absoulutely not! 
But if I am honest with myself, so often I seek that affirmation from my husband or close friends when I really need to only search out my Father. So I guess that is my two cents. Not a full time stay at home mom but I find my role in the home serving my husband and daughter as my #1 priority and we homeschool so I guess I don’t really fit any mold!
I love it when you comment, Joanne. Such wisdom… you should be writing this series, not me! I loved what you said about seeking affirmation from the Father rather than from friends or even your husband. I was thinking about that a lot yesterday after I read your comment.
It seems there are stages of difficulty in the stay-at-home mom’s life. It does seem too, that if a person really feels her job is at the home and in the home ~ then she is really wearing MANY hats and it takes more effort on her part to be a success. All these things can change as the seasons of life change though. It is much easier to leave the children to the state to raise and add your husband when you both have time and go be a success in some field of your expertise. For you _will_ more than likely succeed!
I do think though, that the average American woman is really spoiled! I mean, we don’t all have to raise our own gardens and sew our own clothes (maybe even weave our own fabrics!) Some of us may do some of those things too (I haven’t met someone who weaves their own fabric yet! And I live in an area near the Amish!!) and I would say that even the Amish in their way of life _still_ have it easier than their grandmas did! Maybe we _do_ think too much of the position or try to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to! Though I wonder if we wouldn’t have more deaths among the moms if we went back to that way!
As to seek recognition, it is not right in any walk of life actually.
I _really_ do look forward to hearing your perspective!
I appreciate your thoughts on the fact that there are different seasons of life in motherhood and some are easier than others. (Although I don’t think all moms who have to work outside the home have it easier… if they still have home as their priority, then it is just as difficult or more difficult for them. But I know what you were saying.) Also, it’s so true that we as modern women have a lot of conveniences and comforts that our ancestors sure didn’t!
Wow. That poster could have really opened themselves up for quite the blast of feedback. I’ve been a Work-outside-the-home mom (for 4 years, full-time 3, and part time 1,) then a SAHM for 2.5 years now. So, I know what I’m talking about when I say that this SAHM business is hands down the hardest job I’ve ever had. And, my job was pretty challenging.
While it’s not the main reason I blog, being lonely is one reason. Talking to my kids all day with no other feedback is hard. My husband works long hours, and he’s good to me when he’s home, but he doesn’t want to talk-he spends all day talking to other adults, and he could care less about what I sewed that day, not in a jerky way, but it’s just not his cup of tea to care about girl stuff. It’s just part of my blog to share what I’m working on, what I’m doing, etc., and the feedback on it is wonderful, because otherwise the only opinion I’d have is my own. Recognition is not necessary and shouldn’t be actively sought after, but it’s lovely to have in anything you do, homemaker or no.
Very interesting thoughts. I think it is a matter of opinion, because each person’s daily tasks, whether at work or home, could be challenging to them. When people find out I work at a daycare they say, “Oh I could never do that!” but I find it often unchallenging and even boring.
It must be difficult to be a stay at home mom with one child, but compared to being a stay at home mom with six kids while homeschooling…it is just a matter of comparison.
I can imagine that being a working mom and trying to care for your home is extremely difficult if not more difficult than being a stay at home mom since you are trying to do both “jobs,” especially if you are trying to give your children the best experience they can have, which means spending time with them and finding ways to give them more at home time, which often means working odd shifts and losing sleep.
But those are just my thoughts, and since I’m not a mom they are not based on experience but opinion
I am a mommy in the making… so I am not a expert yet… But I will say this:
I nanny twin babies; a boy and a girl, and let me tell you… I have had a wide variety of jobs over the years– and watching children is by far the most work, as well as the hardest… and also the most rewarding.
My heroes are momma’s who raise great children.
OH, I feel the need to recognized, for sure. And I know I shouldn’t. I think what makes it hard for me is the I-work-and-I-have-to-do-all-that-too syndrome.
I guess I can see what the poster was saying, that it’s not that hard to watch the kids and keep the house clean, but I would argue that it IS hard to do it WELL. Sure, anyone can clean a house and babysit, but homemaking goes so far beyond that, in my opinion.
I’m curious to see what you say in your series, because I really don’t know what it would feel like to not work and be a stay-at-home wife and mom, though I would like to someday. I wonder if that poster on the message board has any experience actually being a full-time housekeeper and mom. If she doesn’t, she has no room to be knocking those who do have the experience – and personally, I always benefit from those organizational/advice posts on homemaking, so I’m not sure what her beef is.
I can only speak for myself and what I recognize as being hard and share my own struggles.
I always joke around saying I went from white collar work in a corner office in an exciting, creative career to being a blue color job toting laundry and scrubbing dirty dishes. Nobody told me motherhood was manual labor!!! That’s what I initially thought and deep down, I still sometimes feel that way.
It’s hard when my expectations aren’t met. The mundane routine is hard. ROUTINE is just hard for me. A schedule/plan of any kind is hard for me. Consistency is hard. And the lack of recognition is hard. If I’m being honest, I have worked harder for my employer working full time than I ever have at home….
I’ve been home now for 1 year and 3 months…to a 1st/3rd grader and now see it much more of an investment. I don’t just want to get by, I want to invest. I don’t want to just SURVIVE, but to thrive in this environment (my home).
Some days are good, others are not…
I WILL say…honestly, MY best days are when my internet is down! 
I’m a supreme procrastinator that uses the internet as more than a creative outlet…and the more time I am online, the less I am connected to them…this is just MY own struggle, not saying that for other moms.
so much more to say…but I’ll leave it to that! A jumbled hot mess!!!
I work quite a hard job and I am off on a year-long maternity leave right now with my second child. Being home is significantly harder, I think. The work is never done, there are no bonuses or public congratulations for a job well-done and while the tasks we are doing are so small, they amount to something of so much greater significance than any work outside the home. Raising children and being wives is the highest calling and if you have any sense at all of the importance of these roles, you also carry guilt in terms of feeling that you are not living up (at least, if you are anything like me, trying to juggle two children who are both in diapers and be a helpmeet to my husband).
For me, the blogging and reading the blogs of others is a way to confirm that I am not alone and to find strength to attempt to do my jobs well.
Well, that raised my defenses too! It’s not the first time I’ve heard that logic, but the first I’ve heard it so blatantly put. But I tried to follow your good example and let it sit and soak for a minute before really responding. I think @naomig put it right when she said it’s due mainly to loneliness…I think a lot of “mommy-bloggers” (like myself!) don’t have the time/resources/whatever to socialize regularly with friends (especially friends who can relate to their specific situation), so they gladly reach out to the online world in search of companionship, empathy, connectedness – even just an anchor somewhere in all the happy chaos. And if that happens to take the form of “I washed 6 loads of clothes today” then I say SO BE IT.
No one can truly discern the weight or splinters of the speck of another’s eye…we have no real way of judging someone else’s life. I could say a rocket scientist has it easy: I mean, I could glue airplane wings together and don a set of headphones and jot down some numbers as my plane flies off into the clouds – kids have been flying paper airplanes for years, how hard could it be? Naturally there is more to it, and since I’m not in the thick of things as a rocket scientist, I wouldn’t know what it takes. That poster certainly has never raised God-fearing children within a loving home 24 hours a day for the majority of their adult lives…otherwise they would understand that it’s not the fact of whether the individual tasks are “difficult” or “not difficult” – it’s how much of our heart it takes to make it all worthwhile.
Obviously, the person who posted that was not grasping the full worth of future investments and returns of being a homemakin’ mama!
Sure… Taking care of the kids and cleaning the bathroom is simple enough-
But Raising Homemakers, Raising Generations, Raising Whole Hearted Children is a whole thing itself!!
I truly feel that this debate is the line that divides women these days. Is it born out of guilt, shame or jealousy? Is it defended with anger, judgement and fury?
I truly believe that we all have been called to do something by our creator God… for some it’s “staying home”, for others it’s working for financial or personal reasons…
I need to remind myself to not judge others according to my beliefs… yet it is quite difficult!
A great reminder to catch our tongues and truly practice GRACE!
true or not, evidence of grace – that you would humbly consider the criticism and examine your heart, however un-lovingly the critique was offered!
I’m definitely looking forward to more posts on this subject! I do think it’s wrong for people to look at stay-at-home-blogging-moms and think “they’ve got it so easy!” I know I’m not a mom just yet (sometime in the next couple days though, hopefully) but my Mom was a stay at home mom and I know for a fact that life as a stay at home mom is NOT easy and requires a LOT of self-sacrifice!
I definitely *disagree* that SAHM blog bc they want recognition.
I’m not a SAHM (yet…but soon ), but I am a blogger and I don’t blog so people will pat me on the back. I blog because God gave me a message and heart that wants to connect with others.
Blogging is like letter writing in a sense, only it has more than one recipient.
I’ve been learning the importance of having godly relationships in my life. Connecting with other Christians and REALLY fellowshipping with them feeds God’s Spirit within me. And the blogs I read that are authored by SAHMs are a part of those relationships. No, I don’t always leave feedback, but I do come back and read again and again .
another point, recognition is not a bad thing. Seeking praise because of a prideful heart is a bad thing! Recognizing someone is a way of saying “I love you and you are important enough for me to listen to!” So longing for that acknowledgement is not ungodly. Should we go to God first? FOR SURE.
But He provides people also for us to have relationships with.
I said what I said so strongly because I don’t fit the stereotype (like I said, yet ) that this person was talking about. I can honestly attest to the grace and blessings I have received because homemakers blog! Thank you to all you that do! May God bless your efforts, comfort your hearts and give you strength for today’s tasks. You all are my examples .
Wow! These have to be my favorite comments ever… they are so insightful. Keep them coming! They are definitely impacting the rest of my posts on this subject.
In Genesis when Adam and Eve fell the curse was upon both of them. Adam was painful toil and Eve’s curse was pain in giving birth. It’s not like the pain ends at birth…the rearing is far harder than the childbearing:) Right now Cora is entering the willful stage of babyhood…and it is very tiring, very discouraging and keeps me busy but I would not trade it for the world:)
In statistics, I would be known as an “outlier” on this blog, but I will comment anyway!
As a dad with 4 kids raised by a SAHM, and, having worked in a profession that is occupied by almost all women; I have pretty informed view of this. IMHO, the writer who believes it is not that hard has clearly NOT done it, or for very long. While the merits of self-focus are worthy of consideration, the rest is not.
The things that make it uniquely hard – 1) The unrelating, day/night, sleepless, moment-by-moment drama connected with raising children; especially preschoolers. There are few, if any, jobs like this. At least the harried waitress or assembly line worker gets to go home after a shift. 2) Most jobs offer some positive feedback-if not just in the form of a paycheck, and no job requires the absolute selflessness required of a SAHM; who many times receives no positive feedback. Most employees share some camradarie during a workshift. 3) Employment usually offers the opportunity to get out of the house; SAHM work in a small, isolated environment that is always in need of something. This is a high price to pay for many women.
Perhaps being a SAHM is not “technically” hard, it is “practically” about the hardest thing one could do. As a man, I would cope better with cleaning out Porta-potties all day than staying home with a house full of small children.
by Tweets that mention Is being a wife, mom, and homemaker really that hard? « Hope Road — Topsy.com
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Anna, Anna. Anna said: Do we inflate being a wife & mom to make ourselves seem important? http://bit.ly/bvMrHZ [...]
I’ve enjoyed reading these comments! Especially that one up there by Dad. What he said about most jobs offering some sort of positive feedback reward is SO TRUE. We can have a sparkling toilet or a neatly folded stack of fluffy bath towels at the end of a day and nobody offers to match our “offer” with a deposit in our Laundry and Bath 401K. It’s just part of what we do.
It’s not about recognition, it’s just the plain truth that sometimes it feels pretty darn nice to accomplish something, even if it is all the laundry and the dishes. We want to shout it from the rooftops because it’s not an easy task when you have children! Nothing is easy when you have children.
I think Naomi hit the nail on the head about loneliness, too. Because we (as new mothers) are ALL supremely busy trying to get into routines, and figure out what works for us on a day-to-day basis, we don’t really have time to spend socializing outside of the home. Not that we don’t ever, but compared to high school, college, and working-outside-the home years, we really don’t! Think about it, we used to interact with dozens of people on a day to day basis, and now we’re elated for trips to Target, walks in the park, and time spent with what girlfriends we have that can relate. That is a huge transition, and nobody can tell me it’s not hard OR that it might take a while to figure out.
I don’t mean for any of that to sound like complaining, because I wouldn’t trade my SAHM days for anything. I love what I do, as unrewarding as it is sometimes. And THAT is where we have to learn to trust our worth with that of what Christ has done for us. It’s not really about us. It’s all about what we’re doing to glorify Him. And raising a future generation that is grounded, standing firm on Biblical principals, sheltered from the darkness of the world as best as we Biblically know how, and rooted (truly rooted!) in Christ is not only glorifying and pleasing to Him, but of greater reward than we could ever possibly imagine. Not to mention the reward of being a helpmeet to our husbands, who are strengthened by our obedience to God (by being wise, humble, meek, sincere, Godly wives who pray and seek the face of God in all we do).
Phew, long comment. I read this yesterday and had to think on it a bit before I posted…So much to say. One thing I know, when you’re living for Him, nothing is easy. Satan comes against us 24/7 – and I’m certain he uses ALL of our weaknesses to try to destroy us. Even if that includes domestic duties. He is out to weaken the faith of every individual that calls themselves a child of God, and we have to stand firm in all we do, trusting that we are who we are because of Christ, and through Christ we will overcome all that besets us.
Looking forward to this series! And I love the response you’ve already received. Can’t wait to see what else you have to say on this topic.
[...] Welcome back to the series “Is It Really That Hard?” Read the intro (and all of the wonderful comments!) here. [...]
I am not a mom or even married yet but I want to prepare myself for a tough job
Anna! Love you… can you email me at curly2880 at yahoo dot com?
I’d LOVE to have you guest post over at Ordinary Inspirations some time?
Love,
Traci
[...] back to the series “Is It Really That Hard?” You can catch up by reading the intro and part [...]
I should always be content to serve for only Christ’s approval. But, when life is balanced and I’m seeking the Lord first, it is to glorify Him and edify other Mommies.
It is hard… most days! Emotionally
But so worth it!
Love,
Traci