Waking Up Is Hard to Do
I love to write.
I love to write encouraging things.
I love to write about my faith and the practical side of living it out as a woman.
But I’m afraid. Of being self-centered and narcissistic. Of being self-glorifying. Of being vain and prideful. Of exalting myself and my “knowledge” and “wisdom.” Of being two-faced. I’m afraid I get carried away because it’s so easy for me to hop online and whip out a cheery little blog post in 15 minutes.
You see, I can portray myself quite positively on my blog, or at church on Sunday morning. But the rubber meets the road on Wednesday evening when I get frustrated with my husband… or in the wee hours of Thursday morning when my son wakes up for the fourth time and I’m frustrated again.
My heart is revealed. Am I relying on my “good works” instead of the death of Jesus to save me? Do I care more about my image than His glory? Do I treasure Him more than I treasure my husband’s affection? My heart is suddenly hardened and my mind whirls in a hundred sinful directions. It’s appalling to me how depraved I really am. Can this be a regenerate heart? Oh Lord, save me from myself…
He is gracious! I have hope… still… even though my sin beats me down, my flesh conquers me for a time, and I feel faithless.
“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope… because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. His mercies are new every morning.”
The truth is, I’m not in a position to teach others until I’m faithful in my own life. And I want to be very wary of coming across as if I’m teaching in what I write. I want to continue my Homemaker’s Clock series, but not necessarily every Wednesday… I want it to be more of a thoughtful, meditative look into my own heart and life, before I attempt to share it with others.
Blogging is a blessing for me, because in this season where I’m alone so much except for my little one, it’s a great way to feel connected to the outside world. But it can easily become an idol. And it can become a veneer, a facade, to make me look like someone I’m not.
It’s not that I want to celebrate my sin and inadequacies under the banner of being “authentic.” Nor do I think it’s necessary to always share details from my personal life and marriage so you know I’m a sinner. But I want to write genuinely. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
So this morning, here I am. Just me. I was grumpy when I woke up, calculating the amount of sleep I lost and complaining to my husband. I forget that I feel better as time goes by and I get my coffee. But still, no makeup on yet. Needing to do the breakfast dishes. Hoping Christian’s current nap lasts more than 45 minutes. Running the race, throwing off the sin that easily entangles… thanking Him for His grace in softening my heart. Thanking Him for His mercy.
Thanks, Teresa! I’m glad I’m not the only one either. 
We’re in different seasons of life, but this rings true for me too – thank you for being brave enough to share! *Hug!* Your blog is such a refreshing corner of the www! Thank you for the encouragement …
Thank you!
I agree with you – it’s so easy to get into a narcissistic attitude, with blogging especially. But your posts are always an encouragement to me, so I’m so glad you do blog! You don’t have to do everything perfectly to be able to share good tips or encouragement or things you’re learning with others.
That’s a good reminder… I just don’t want to come across like I THINK I’m doing everything perfectly.
This is the first time I’ve come across your blog and this is the only thing you’ve written that I’ve read (so far). I wanted to just tell you thank you so much for sharing that. I feel so very much like that and I agree with Teresa 100%; it is so nice to know that I’m not the only one struggling. For the longest time, I thought that everyone attending my church had their life together and they were perfect Christians all the time, and I’ve slowly been realizing that this is actually not true at all. Everyone has their struggles. So, thanks again, and I look forward to reading more.
Welome, Elisabeth, and thanks for your kind words!
I found/find your posts uplifting. I don’t feel that you are being someone you are not, even though I’ve never met you. It doesn’t appear that your posts are the end all to be all, but full of hope, like your name. Your posts are excellent reminders on ways to improve our lives as wives, mothers… homemakers. I never once thought, boy this woman has it made. Instead I assume that you, like us, are working on making your life and home better, and your pointers are awesome.
I’m so glad that’s how it comes across!
You have captured one of my concerns when writing. How do I write encouraging posts that glorify God and are uplifting to read while staying “real” and genuine? I feel like you when you wrote…
“It’s not that I want to celebrate my sin and inadequacies under the banner of being “authentic.”[...] But I want to write genuinely. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.”
Anyway, thank you for being an encouragement. It is wonderful to read about how the Lord is working in your life!
Thank you too, and congratulations on your engagement!
Thank you!
Hey Anna!
I’m with you! I struggle with this too…not wanting to make blogging an idol, not wanting to be fake, etc. I think you do a wonderful job of being real and genuine! Seriously, I wouldn’t enjoy your blog for as long as I have now (I think it’s been at least 3 years now that I’ve followed your blog!:) if I didn’t think you were that way!!!;)
Keep doing what you are doing…don’t doubt that God has called you to this and is being glorified through your writing!:)
3 years? You’re one of my most committed readers! I love your blog too.
Thank you, Anna! I can definitely relate! The strange thing is that I had a much harder time after my 1st than I do now after my 3rd even though I have only had so many nights of full sleep in the past nearly four years! I only tell you to let you know that there is light at the end of this tunnel! Yes, I understand God can use all these things to draw us closer to Himself! It is all a part of growing ~ we must never stop that! Thanks for being real! It means a lot!
Now…. I have spent the time that I can allow myself for this morning sitting here so …. Have a wonderful day!
Thank you for the reminder… as John Piper would say, I need to keep the candle of faith burning even in the darkness.
I wanted to comment on this earlier last week, but didn’t. It really spoke to me the day you wrote it. I guess because I never assume any of us have it all figured out. Yet, I know how writing is. We write, as the pot calling the kettle black. Preaching to the choir. Not because WE think we need to tell others how it’s done, but because we need to hear it. On replay. Over, and over. And writing is one of the best ways to do it, I know it is for me. When I write of encouragement, it’s because I’m the one needing encouraged. Today I wrote about obedience being better than sacrifice because even though God showed me a valuable lesson a mere 3 or 4 days ago, I need to be reminded of it again. Today.
Every time I come to your blog I’m encouraged. Not because I think you have it figured out, but because I know you’re a young Momma like myself, and I know you need encouraged just as much as I need encouraged. I know you need reminders of the basics, just like I do. Reminders of keeping joy in the journey, and relying on Christ instead of our works, and every time I’m encouraged to know I’m not alone.
So, in other words, don’t stop writing like you do. And if people are accusing you of having it all together, they need reevaluate, because last I checked no body had anything all together. We’re forever picking up scattered pieces, and learning it’s okay in the process. After all, through our weaknesses we’re made strong. (Praise Him!)
I consider you to be a wonderful sister in the Lord, even though we’ve never met. And I appreciate your heart, immensely!!
LeAnna wrote:
Yet, I know how writing is. We write, as the pot calling the kettle black. Preaching to the choir. Not because WE think we need to tell others how it’s done, but because we need to hear it. On replay. Over, and over. And writing is one of the best ways to do it, I know it is for me.
SO TRUE. You’ve received great comments on this already, so I don’t think I need to add anything other than to echo appreciation for your heart, your honesty, your wrestling and your sharing what you are IN PROCESS of learning, not what you have arrived at and perfectly figured out 
I get that.
I’m so thankful you wrote this. It’s honest, and humble, and a very *real* blog post. I completely relate to the being-alone-with-a-baby all day, with only the online world for human connection – which is an illusion, if we admit this to ourselves. You found the “sweet spot” between being hyprocritical and pretending that just because you have found salvation that your life and your faith is easy, and being the suffering martyr who must confess your sins to show the world that your life has meaning. I’ve seen both in the blogosphere (and trust me, you’ve never come anywhere close to reaching those extremes, I promise!), but this was a wonderful post because you recognize and own your shortcomings while standing firm in the hope you have of overcoming them in Him. It was such a blessing to read. You’re a great writer and a wonderful wife and mother and I hope you hear that very very often!
Thank you for writing this. I just stumbled upon your blog today and have been browsing the archive and I’m thankful for and humbled by your honesty and humility in your posts.
I look forward to reading you often!
All I can say is that I completely understand exactly what you’re saying and where you’re coming from. I appreciate your honesty and authenticity. In the short time I’ve been reading here, I’ve been blessed, challenged, and encouraged by your posts…but I have to say the most by this specific one. I can’t think of a more eloquent way to say it other than it is nice to know that I’m not the only one struggling in this season – of losing sleep, of feeling isolated, etc. In my heart, that isn’t a “misery loves company” kind of idea, it is encouraging to know that there are others in a very similar place (which sounds a lot like misery loves company, but that really isn’t what I’m trying to say!). Thank you for being brave enough to share this.