If I Share My Darkness
Maybe I wouldn’t feel the depression if the anxiety didn’t come first. But a vague feeling of panic grabs me in a chokehold, drawing me into an inevitable (?) pit of darkness.
Mentally, I scramble for reasons. Am I still feeling the effects of my concussion? Is it the lack of sleep, punctuated by blurry middle-of-the-night feedings and diaper changes? Am I being too perfectionistic and controlling with my to-do list and household management? Have I not read my Bible and prayed enough? Is it delayed postpartum depression? Am I stir crazy from being cooped up and isolated in the house all day?
If I can put a label on my feelings, I feel less worried about them. And as my worry subsides, so does my depression. The darkness lifts a little. I can see a light through the fog.
But if none of the labels seem to fit, my panic level rises, along with my despair. Will life ever feel normal? Why am I always subject to these recurring moods of helpless anxiety and hopelessness?
You see, I named my blog Hope Road for a reason. A little-known fact is that I found the name in the liner notes of a tobyMac CD. I was scanning the lyrics looking for a pithy phrase to use as a blog name. Instead, I noticed a street sign in the background of one of the pictures: Hope Road.
It was perfect because I have often struggled with (comparably mild) depression, and especially anxiety. Hope, for me, is an elusive concept.
Oh, but Jesus. There’s nothing flippant or shallow about His answer to my hopelessness. There’s nothing formulaic in my desperate admission: I need Him.
When I’m groping through the darkness, He keeps my candle of faith burning. Sometimes flickering. But lit all the same.
The piercing truth of the Word shatters my sinful and broken worldview.
I call myself a victim. He calls me a sinner.
I call myself depressed. He calls me faithless.
I call myself alone. He calls me unbelieving.
I call myself lost. He calls me found forever.
I call myself unwanted. He calls me child.
I call myself the center of the universe. He calls me to Himself.
If I try to come up with my own solution, to package up Truth in a neat little box and hand it to my depressed alter ego, nothing changes. I don’t create my own meaning. Nor can I halfheartedly sift through my knowledge of Scripture to come up with Hope in a Nutshell.
I must engage. Fight. Pray. Cry. Confess. Repent. Trust blindly. Serve. Work. Laugh. Sleep. Rejoice. Mourn. And go on. I can’t stop walking my Hope Road. One thing I know: He won’t lead me astray. Oh, for faith to follow unswervingly.
“Trying to think my way out of worry”… how often I do that!
xoxo
It sounds like you’re resting securely in the arms of the One who cares. I’m so blessed to read you talk to yourself insteaf of listen to yourself! Good work, Mamma!
xoxo
Dear Anna,
I have enjoy reading your blog and especially this one. Your insights are great truths to reflect on. Especially when feeling depressed and alone how God calls us faithless and unbelieving. I’ll remember that next time I’m experiencing those feelings. Why are you downcast O my soul? Hope in God! May we press on to be faithful to Him.
Thanks for commenting, Mrs. Wink! I miss you!
Wow! So powerful friend! You are an amazing woman of God! I love you!
Thank you for writing this, Anna. I know it may sound cliched, but I really do know how you feel. Especially this part:
“If I can put a label on my feelings, I feel less worried about them. And as my worry subsides, so does my depression. The darkness lifts a little. I can see a light through the fog.
“But if none of the labels seem to fit, my panic level rises, along with my despair. Will life ever feel normal? Why am I always subject to these recurring moods of helpless anxiety and hopelessness?”
You have no idea how much I can relate! But yes, speaking as a sister in Christ who struggles with the very same thing, I can also testify that there IS hope. I am amazed by God’s grace every day.
The Father loves you, Anna. And He is with you, sending you mercy and grace and power, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit. Bless you. Keep fighting! x
Psalm 138:8
God will perfect that which concerns me.
Some days I have to tell myself this over and over. Prosperity teachers would take this scripture and run with it, saying that God will perfect what monetarily and materialistically concerns me.
But, the WORD says just before “Though and walk in the midst of trouble…” and then after “Your Mercy, oh Lord, endures forever.”
Mmmmm, that makes me smile!
He promises to perfect what concerns us. And those concerns are often spiritual and emotional, but we know that He finishes what He starts in us, when we trust Him.
“This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope….the LORD is my portion, says my soul, Therefore I hope in Him!” parts of Lamentations chapter 3.
{hugs}
*Though I walk* not and. It’s too early, but I’m up with a teething toddler, so what do ya do? 
Our faithful God has used this song to strengthen me many times, especially the line, “and sanctify to us our deepest distress.” You have shown the beauty of truth in the midst of distress.
1 HOW firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid up for faith in God’s excellent word!
What more can He say, than to you He has said —
You who to the Saviour for refuge have fled?
2 In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home, or abroad; on the land, on the sea;
As need may demand shall our strength ever be.
3 If through the deep waters He cause us to go,
The rivers of grief shall not overflow;
And He will be with us in troubles to bless,
And sanctify to us our deepest distress.
4 If through fiery trials our pathway should lie,
His grace all-sufficient shall be our supply;
The flame shall not hurt us; His only design
Is the dross to consume and the gold to refine.
5 Fear not, He is with us; oh, be not dismayed!
For He is our God, and will still be our aid;
He’ll strengthen us, help us, and cause us to stand,
Upheld by His gracious omnipotent hand.
6 The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
He will not (He’s said it) give up to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavour to shake,
He’ll never — no, never — no, never forsake.
I love it, Mamma!
Anna –
I’m sorry to hear that you are despairing. As this is very familiar territory, I wanted to share some of my very favorite verses with you. 
“Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
“Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you.”
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert; [...]
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.”
– Isaiah 35 (the whole thing, but I chopped out some of it for length…)
“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
–Exodus 14:14
“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’
And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”
–Revelation 21:3-5a
“For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.”
–2 Corinthians 1:8-9
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
–Phillipians 4:4-7
With this last one I especially love to think about the phrase “guard your hearts.” We usually think of it in terms of purity or discernment. This verse tells us that one of God’s specified vehicles for guarding our hearts is His peace. And through prayer — not our own effort. Paul gives a command to rejoice, directly followed by the explanation of how we can be expected to rejoice.
Not that it isn’t the hardest thing ever sometimes…
I’ll be praying for you this morning.
Thank you, dear cousin! Such good verses!
Oh Anna, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a valley! It is certainly not a nice one to travel, but may our Lord Jesus restore joy and peace to you!
I was going to share this quote with you, it is attached to my wardrobe door, but when I see so many others shared encouraging verses or scripture, I hesitate to do so! However, I just shared it with my boyfriend, and perhaps it could help someone else, so let me just copy it here
I am the subject of depressions of spirit so fearful that I hope none of you ever get to such extremes of wretchedness as I go to, but I always get back again by this-I know I trust Christ. I have no reliance but in him, and if he falls I shall fall with him, but if he does not, I shall not. Because he lives, I shall live also, and I spring to my legs again and fight with my depressions of spirit and my down castings, and get the victory through it; and so may you do, and so you must, for there is no other way of escaping from it. In your most depressed seasons you are to get joy and peace through believing.
Charles Spurgeon – “Joy and Peace in Believing” 20th May 1866
Wow, what a wonderful quote, Alysa. That was so encouraging. Thank you.
Wow Anna. I have been struggling with the same thing and this post…was such an encouragement to me. Thank you for sharing your heart. Today I was on a date with Jesus and He gave me this verse and I thought I would share it with you:
“Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.”
Psalm 43:5
Praying for you!
Thank you, Katy. <3
Thanks for being so honest, Anna. I’ve gone through extended periods of having “the blues”, but the way you find the hope even through depressing times gives me encouragement.
*Hug!* Praying for you, dear Anna …
Been there, done that. At times still going through it. Prayer helps, as does having understanding friends and family.
thanks for your vulnerability, Anna. keep fighting!
God just led me to your blog…I can’t even recall the link from what link on what blog I was just reading that got me here! Just God! But I have been blessed already…especially by this post. I have been a Christian all my life but depression has always been sort of a visitor in my life…comes and goes…I always know it will come again, and go again…I do better when I can “name” my feelings, and I usually can…but sometimes it is just HOMESICKNESS…for my REAL home, and I have to remember we are not home yet… but in a little while we’ll be with the Father…
Thank you for your very honest post. I spent
most of today trying to think my way out of
worry…we can trust the words of Jeremiah
that if we seek him with ALL our hearts
we will find him.
God bless and keep you.