Feeling like an aesthetic failure

Aesthetic: The study of art or beauty; That which appeals to the senses; Concerned with beauty, artistic impact, or appearance. (definition from wiktionary)

Being an “aesthetic failure” sounds at best vague and at worst trivial. As my husband might say, “What does that even mean?” (a favorite catchphrase).

It means I envy other people for their ability to integrate beauty artistically into their lives; specifically in two areas – the clothes they wear and the way their houses look.

I have never been a girly-girl in the sense that I love shopping and clothes. I like to look pretty and have nice things to wear, but I lacked the fashion sense, money, and desire to make the effort for a long time. Now I have the desire and, I like to think, a little more fashion sense, but I don’t exactly have piles of money sitting around to spend on updating my wardrobe.

I do not want to be a frumpy mom who doesn’t care about her appearance. I think that’s a legitimate desire. But I carry that desire out too far – envying other girls who have more time and money (and hair that’s easier to manage!).

Another area I have never been talented in is that of interior design. I was always all about making my living space functional and organized, without really emphasizing beauty. But now that I have a home of my own, I want to put in the effort. Again, that’s a legitimate desire. But I get frustrated because I don’t know how. I can’t just start from scratch, and it’s hard to integrate what I already have with how I want my home to look.

(Photo of Raechel’s home)

In church and home group this past week, we studied the topic of pride. I see a lot of pride in my envy of others’ homes and clothes. Because of my indwelling sin, desires that could be healthy are instead selfish, covetous, and greedy.

The good news is that my sin can be redeemed. I know the Lord can change me. I want to be able to enjoy what I already have, and to be content with the small progress I’m able to make. In the past I would just click away or close the magazine, not look at the pretty dress or the lovely living room because I couldn’t have them. But instead I hope to learn that I can admire creativity and tuck away ideas, without envying and feeling discontent.

And beyond the trivial world of appearances, lies a very big world that is very needy… people who are in need of a Savior most of all, and many people in need of the most basic necessities of life – water, food, health care.

100 years from now, neither they nor I will be thinking about interior decorating or fashion design. These small things are not eternal, as my husband reminded me: “A nice shirt means nothing in the grave.”

(Update: check out Callie’s blog post on contentment in a different area of life: Babies and Being Content.)