My Baby in His Hands
Fear is one of my besetting sins. It affects many areas of my life. Each new season God brings to me can become another temptation to anxiety.
The season of motherhood is no different.
Pregnancy is difficult. And precious. And tenuous. It is, from the very beginning, a letting go. Though my baby is within me, our hearts beating in the same body, I cannot sustain him. I can drink lots of water, take my prenatal vitamins, exercise, go to my doctor’s appointments, and avoid too much caffeine. But I cannot keep his tiny heart beating or breathe life into his body. I cannot control his existence physically.
And I cannot keep him alive psychologically, by telling him I love him and reading to him and playing with his little feet through my skin, by repeating how much I want him and how excited I am to meet him.
He is fragile. From the moment I learned about him, when he was a miniscule 4-week-old, his life seemed to hang in the balance in the face of miscarriage statistics – 15% of recognized pregnancies (source). I heard his heartbeat at 9 weeks, strong and steady. I saw his little head and body on the ultrasound monitor. I struggled through 4 months of debilitating nausea, reminded again and again that it was a good sign for his health.
The weeks continued to pass, along with important milestones – lessened risk of miscarriage, higher viability if born early. But there are no guarantees at any point along the way.
I was reminded of this today when I read Molly Piper’s post Why I Didn’t Blog My Pregnancy: Fear. Her daughter Felicity was stillborn at 39 weeks. A blogger who commented on Molly’s site lost her son at 36 weeks. I’ve read several similar stories recently.
This may seem like a morbid topic for me to be writing about 10 days before my due date. These stories didn’t send me into paroxysms of anxiety. They did, though, remind me of my temptation to fear.
With such an incredible gift as a child comes incredible potential for loss and heartache. I know that already with my husband – I love him so much that sometimes it scares me, thinking of what it would be like to lose him. And it is the same with being a mother. My earthly treasure could be lost. I cannot sustain my son’s life, either now or after he is born or when is all grown up.
I’m brought back to Jesus. His deep, deep love. As the hymn says, “‘Tis a heaven of heavens to me.” That’s what it means to have my treasure in heaven. Jesus’ love will never fail me. And He holds onto me. He keeps me.
And He teaches me to loosen my grip on my earthly treasures. They are gifts, not gods. Mine for now, but easily taken away. They should be already surrendered. Fear should have no place in my heart. It still does. My flesh is weak.
So I lay my hand on my belly again, and it moves consolingly under my touch. I count kicks, dream sweet dreams, and fold tiny clothes. And I am thankful… and sometimes fearful. But I’m learning.
{hugs} You never stop feeling this way. Every night you lay them down to sleep, you think the same thoughts. It gets easier with time, but it’s an ingrained part of being a Momma.
I love this part of what you wrote: And He teaches me to loosen my grip on my earthly treasures. They are gifts, not gods. Mine for now, but easily taken away. They should be already surrendered. Fear should have no place in my heart. It still does. My flesh is weak. That is it, dear sister. That is it. Praying the peace that passes all understanding rests on you, from here on out.
Thank you for sharing your heart, this was so wonderfully written and touches the core of all mothers.
Praying for you Anna, and you are in my thoughts
Dear Anna,
This verse has been one of the most encouraging ones to me when I am tempted to be afraid:
“Fear thou not for I am with thee; be not dismayed for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10
Also, this past pregnancy the hymn, “God will take care of you” was also a huge encouragement. I sang it often throughout the last four or so weeks of pregnancy.
As a side note: my mom shared this verse with me when I was expecting my first one (this is not to help with the fear of losing the baby but with facing the labor) “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross despising the shame…” The more I meditated on this, the more it meant something to me ~ it seems in a very small way that we must endure the “cross” of labor (despising the shame) for that joy that is set before us ~ the joy of holding our little treasure… in our hands.
I struggle with fear as well, so even though I haven’t been where you are yet, I know what you mean. I will be praying for you!
Fear can easily hold me back and has more times than I like to admit. Especially in cases of loved ones. I’m praying for you…you mentioned your “son,” so are you having a boy??
Beautifully written, Anna. You make me smile as I think of what joys the Lord has in store for you. Sometimes the greatest difficulties bring the deepest joys. That hymn is definitely one of my favorites and has brought me much comfort in its truth.
The new format is beautiful! Love it!
The Lord is our protector! We are all in good hands. — praying for you!
What a truly inspiring post.
You are in my prayers dear woman and your darling baby!
Much love!
Beautiful post, Anna! I was really touched like this – you’re right, there are some things that just lie completely in His hands.
Anna,
Even with #3 coming along, I still can find myself sharing these same fears, knowing that nothing is certain until that sweet little babe is in my arm! But you are right, they are gifts, not gods and to trust them to God’s care is so important. And one thing I have learned to is that the fears can so easily come even once they are born because then you realize all the potential things that could happen to them as they are learning to explore this big world…climbing, falling, running too far ahead, etc!!!:) It could really never end so learning not to fear early on is a great lesson! You’re ahead of the game to be seeking trust NOW!!!:)
God bless you in your last days of pregnancy! I can not wait to read of your son’s birth!!