Getting Ready for Marriage
Early marriage needs to become more normal among Christians, argue numerous sources I came across while single. Yesterday, reading the article “A Good Man Is Hard to Find” reminded me of this topic again. Settling down with a spouse in one’s early twenties, as opposed to waiting indefinitely for financial stability or other favorable circumstances, can have many benefits.
That sounded great to me as a single. But shouldn’t this message be aimed more toward young men, not young women? (All of the sources I listed above do acknowledge that; Candice Watters has written an entire book dedicated toward what women can do to productively wait.) I believe that God calls men to be leaders in their homes, and that starts by taking the initiative in pursuing their future wives. As a single woman, my responsibility was to wait, not look for a husband.
As I mentioned in my last entry, I also wanted to avoid being caught up in the desire for marriage to the point where I didn’t enjoy being single. But I was a little self-defeating in this mindset. No one seriously pursued me until I met the man who would become my husband. So before I met him, I was trying to resign myself to years of singleness stretching out through my twenties. I really didn’t prepare much for marriage.
There are a few things I would have done differently if I could relive my single years after high school (i.e. my college years). Taking these steps would have benefited me even if I hadn’t ended up getting married.
- Learning a flexible, marketable skill. Even if I stayed single, serving in a full-time volunteer capacity or working in a non-profit organization, having a skill would have still come in handy in the long run. And it would have been a blessing to bring into my marriage. This doesn’t have to be a four-year degree that takes up all of your time and energy in preparing for the future. It can be any certification or training that can turn into a job. The more flexible, the better – if possible, make it something that would allow you to work from home and even set your own hours.
- Staying out of debt. As much as I enjoyed my private Christian college experience, I wish that I had considered the financial cost as a 17-year-old freshman. I didn’t even consider the burden I would be asking my husband to shoulder by bringing thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of debt into the marriage. It’s especially discouraging to me because I have a ministry degree that doesn’t fit any specific job title. Now that I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom indefinitely, I’m glad that I have a four-year degree, but I wish I had focused on getting it without going into debt.
- Brushing up on those homemaking skills. I didn’t care much about this during college, beyond keeping things orderly for my own sanity. I should have cooked more, beyond Pasta Roni and Ramen noodles, and developed my taste in interior design so I would have an idea of what I liked.
- Getting a handle on the emotions. No man wants to be married to an emotional basket case. If there’s one blog entry of mine I apply the least, it’s probably Listening and Led: Emotions. For me, this would have meant making sure I was prepared to have self-control and have the ability to be honest and authentic with my husband without complaining, manipulating, or drawing him into my black hole of introspection. Ultimately, this means that the Lord is the one I must rely on to be my refuge and comforter, and while my husband is my best friend, he cannot be my God. I am still learning this, and I wish that I had learned it more thoroughly before I was married.
Now on the flip side, here are some ways that God prepared me for marriage while I was still single – things for which I’m very thankful!
- Learning from marriages around me. In the challenging territory of being a new wife, I’ve relied on memories from my past, and examples I have now. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have no godly examples to remember while I navigate this new ground – my parents first and foremost, as well as other Christian couples I grew up around and know today.
- Reserving close friendships for girls, not guys. I’m so glad God protected me from being in other relationships before I was married, and although I avoided close male friendships for multiple reasons (shyness being one of them), and I definitely wasn’t perfect, I’m glad the boundary lines stayed where they were.
- Pursuing my own interests and passions while I waited. In fact, my love for writing (and blogging by extension) was how I met my husband. Had I focused all my time and energy on waiting for the future instead of living in the present, I wouldn’t have had as much to bring to my marriage. God grew and developed me as a single woman before I became a wife.
- Growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. This was all His mercy, and none of my doing. I wish I had grown much more. But I would have been completely unprepared for marriage had I not known and loved the Lord increasingly in my single years. He helped me to remain true to my convictions, even when I felt very alone in them. And He graced me with a husband who leads me, and with whom I can grow in spiritual unity.
So getting married really isn’t about when. It’s about who – who God is, first of all. He is sovereign, He has a plan, He works all things together for good (Rom. 8:28), and He wants our lives, single or married, to be oriented around Him. It’s also about who we are in Christ, and who we marry in God’s perfect will. I’m thankful that I got married at a young age, because marriage is a blessing. But marriage means nothing without Christ! His love is better than life (Ps. 63:3).
This is such a beautiful and helpful post, Anna – thank you.
This post blessed me! I’m 26 and single. Seriously, I never thought I would be single and still living at home at my age.
I need to check out the book you mentioned by Candice Waters. I read an EXCELLENT book {it ranks as one of my favorites} by Carolyn McCulley entitled “Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?”
The “issue” I see most with other single girls around me is, “I didn’t plan for this. Now what?” It can be hard and sometimes confusing to plan for the future when we’re waiting. Carolyn’s book was outstanding in pointing out that life doesn’t start at marriage. We’re still women even if we aren’t married. We can still be the Proverbs 31 woman. I’d better stop typing or I’ll write a post in the comments section – haha!!
Thanks so much for this post!
Can’t wait to see pics of your little one!!
Great post – wonderful points!
I am so glad you mentioned that marriage articles should be directed towards men mostly.
I saw the title ““A Good Man Is Hard to Find” and my head immediately rejected as “that is not like the gospel of God at all”.
Thank you for this post.
Emily, Nicole, and Joseph, thanks for your comments!
Rebecca, I love Carolyn McCulley’s blog and I’m sure her book is excellent. You’re right, planning for both singleness and marriage is confusing as a young woman! I completely agree that womanhood doesn’t start with marriage. I did a Proverbs 31 Bible study in college, and it was amazing how applicable it was to me even as a single woman. Now that I am married, it’s weird, but it’s even clearer to me that marriage doesn’t make me any different than I was before. It just provides new blessings, new challenges, and new opportunities.
I guess for me, I just expected to get married at some “older” age not any sooner than 28 ~ maybe even 30 or later and so just kept myself busy for that indefinite time while always improving on my homemaking (hopefully). And now, 3 children later and not 30 yet, I am not sorry for all the time and effort that went into that…but maybe it was more my parents direction that helped me to do that. I just know that it was very helpful to plan for not being married at any near date while always realizing that it could happen around the corner! It does seem awkward to think like that…but it is very helpful!
It is sort of how we are to be ready for Christ’s return right? Not sitting on a hill waiting but always being busy while being ready for whatever time He returns!
Great article. Good thoughts. One thing about your 4-year, debt-building degree – there have been many times when your dad and I wished that I had a degree with which I could earn more substantial money to be more of a help to him in our later years. So, it still may come in handy someday. ….all things together for good….
Some good thoughts to ponder, thank you, Anna.
I’m 25 and single and am learning that this season of life, like others, takes a lot of faith. I desire to be a wife and mother, and yet, that hasn’t happened yet. While I certainly haven’t put my life on hold (I run a small business, am working through a correspondence writing course, and am involved in an evangelism ministry), I still have made decisions that definitely take into account this hope for a future “career” change.
I think it comes down to seeking God’s heart, surrendering desires and plans to Him, but then also having the faith and courage to live the way you feel He is leading you in your particular circumstances. (Even if it doesn’t make sense to this world!) Some marriage-minded girls may be lead to earn a degree or pursue a career, some may be led to work at a job while participating in some form of ministry or learning skills. Some to stay home, some to move out.
The job I’m in isn’t something I want to do forever, but it’s a good way of setting money aside which will hopefully bless my husband and family someday. It also gives me time to pursue skills which will be useful and a possible source of income – like writing or teaching music lessons from home. I guess this is where the faith comes in. I feel God has led me to make certain decisions based on my hope for marriage, but at the same time I know it is possible that God doesn’t have marriage planned for me. Either way, I believe He has a purpose and plan for these decisions. I know I am rambling, but I just wanted to add my perspective.
I’m still figuring this all out, walking one day at a time, leaning on Sovereign God.
Wow, great article. Nice to hear from someone who is recently married and can remember her single years so clearly. I have to admit that I am often preparing myself for years of singleness because I don’t want to be ‘preoccupied’ by marriage.
One of the best things that I feel is helping me achive many of the things you mentioned was that (because of circumstances outside of our control) my brother and I had to move out of home while at university. We share a flat and I’ve learnt so much about keeping to a budget, cooking and running a household just from this experience.
And I second the idea of saving close friendships for girls, not guys – that is the thing I see most often messing up my friends relationships.
Thanks, Anna, for your thoughtful comments on the issue of “what to do while waiting.” Yours was a more thoughtful and ultimately helpful, and practical, commentary than the post on the CT blog for women. Congrats, too, on your soon to be born son!
Candice
This blessed me. Thank you!
Stephanie and Erin, thanks for your thoughts on this! Very good points! Candice, thanks for stopping by.
Yep, I’m definitely with you on the “Getting a Handle on The Emotions” one. Still not very good at that, but I’m working on it.