The Narrowing

Working a full-time job has a certain narrowing effect. The horizons close in on each end of the day much more quickly than they did in college. I miss the variety of college, the change of walking from class to class and seeing hundreds of familiar faces, the free time in between classes, the endless possibilities of each moment. I have to remind myself of the constant burden of homework, hanging like a thick, dark cloud over my head!

It’s completely different driving to work in the morning and being stuck there all day, then driving home to use the precious few remaining hours of day before it’s time to go to sleep and start the whole process over again. Life seems composed of fewer elements. Especially now while I am living in a new city, mostly around people I’ve only known for a couple of months, the sameness of the daily routine is wearying sometimes.

Yet I want to bring that fresh perspective to my day. I want to remember that His mercies are new every morning, and meditate on what that means. I want to be close to Him, so close, brought through the rivers of the spiritual disciplines which I neglect so easily, to the ocean of joy in Him. Then no matter what I am doing that day, it will be full of His love and delight.

Checking It Twice

It’s no secret that I’m a born list-maker. I made exhaustive lists when I was growing up of things I wanted to do, my daily routines, books I read, places I wanted to go, and everything else under the sun. Nowadays I still love to write things down, although it’s more for survival’s sake. Whenever I’m not keeping up with my planner and writing things down as I think of them, I feel like I’m going to forget them – especially now, during a season of life when there are so many details to try to remember.

However, there are dangers inherent with the art (can it be called an art? So many things are titled that nowadays) of list-making. For instance, you can get so caught up in writing things down and planning them out that you never actually set about accomplishing them. This has been me a lot! I would make out the perfect plan of what I was going to get accomplished, and then I would never get started because I was intimidated and lazy when confronted with the seemingly monolithic task ahead.

Related to that, you can write so many things down that you never even want to attempt to begin, or you can write so few things down that writing them down at all is pretty much pointless.

The reason I wrote this post is because I was just finishing the day and dozens of thoughts of things I needed to remember and accomplish tomorrow and the next day were swirling around in my head. Our wedding is in a little over six weeks, there are so many things to coordinate and plan, I work full-time, I have bills to pay, I have people to keep up with, and I want to be a Mary instead of a Martha! So I just took a minute and jotted down everything I could think of that I wanted to remember at that moment. Now that it’s safely committed to paper, I feel a lot better and not like I’m going to forget everything I was trying to remember.

I guess I’m still a list-maker at heart.

Precious

If heaven and earth were sold, you
could not match Christ in any market!

If you search eternity, and ransack immensity,
there shall never be found one fit to be second
to Him, He is so precious.

Jesus is precious to us, because He cannot be lost.
All the precious things in this world are loseable.
The jewels may be stolen, the house may be broken
into by the thief, and the treasure may be taken away.
But Christ is such a jewel that even Satan himself
can never rob the soul of Him when once it has Him.

(Charles Spurgeon, found on Grace Gems)

I wonder how I would act if I won a million dollars and I went in to work the next morning (work with me here; let’s say I just wanted to give them two weeks’ notice even though I was now a millionnaire). Aside from the fact that I would know this job would soon be over, how would I feel in relation to the people around me on account of my newfound treasure? Wouldn’t I be bursting with the news? Wouldn’t I consider myself wealthy and immensely blessed? Wouldn’t I think about my new status and possessions constantly? Wouldn’t I be mentally consumed with this treasure?

Oh, how I want to be that way with Christ, whose immense value could never be matched. I am dumbfounded at His graciousness. He gives me Himself, an unsurpassed treasure, and day by day I treat it as if it is of little value – I can think of many other things to talk about; I am reticent about Him when speaking with others; and I view Him as a part of my life instead of filling my life, giving me life until my heart is bursting at the seams.

My soul has Christ. What more could it need? Yet I am so small, my faith is so weak, and I am still taking faltering baby steps with Him. He is a tenderhearted Shepherd, bending down to my level, talking baby talk to me, disciplining me faithfully, and sanctifying me little by little. May I look to Him because of what He does, but most of all because of who He is.

The Simple Pleasures of Life

While I was growing up, my sisters and I would often express delight about insignificant things. My mom would often respond, “Ah, the simple pleasures of life,” amused that we were so easily pleased, I think.

I still want to be that way! In her book Contentment, Lydia Brownback wrote something to the effect of, “Finding joy in the little things is contentment” (I don’t have the book right now, so I’m not sure if that’s exactly correct).

Before we can find true joy in the little things, we must find joy in the big things truthfully. My greatest joy is found in knowing my Creator and His perfect Son who died so my sins can be forgiven and I can enjoy an eternal relationship with Him. My life is lived for Him, by His grace alone.

With that firm foundation under me, God’s grace in my heart makes it possible for me to find pure, childlike enjoyment in His earthly gifts, small as they may be. In this way, contentment can be found – not clinging to God’s gift as idols, but receiving them with humble thanksgiving as generous blessings from His hand.

So from the great earthly blessings of the people I love, to the small comfort of having a soft pillow to lay my head on at night, I want to focus on the merciful gifts of God. I don’t want to overlook the simple pleasures He provides, because I’m focused on some way I’m not currently gratified.

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” (1 Timothy 4:4)

I’m off to enjoy the convenience of throwing some clothes in the dryer for the morning, eating a bowl of cereal, and having a safe, quiet place to fall asleep in tonight. Ah, the simple pleasures of life…

Chim Chimminy

Earlier this evening, we enjoyed the sparkling wit and musical brilliance of Mary Poppins – the 45th anniversary edition, yet! Contrary to the effusiveness of the previous sentence, my actual feelings about this movie have not made it a favorite. However, it is fun to watch once in awhile, and I particularly enjoy seeing the children’s room clean itself up. How I wish my daycare classroom would do that. I also like Mary Poppins’ nanny personality. She is so firm, but kind and fun at the same time. (Of course, if I had all of her resources at my disposal I think I would find it fairly easy to be a nanny as well.)

Another aspect I enjoy is the elaborate verbiage, which formed the inspiration for my style of writing this post, simply because my brain can’t stop thinking like that now. But really, you should watch Mary Poppins if you haven’t recently. It’s an innocent, fun childhood movie. And you might fall asleep while she’s singing the children a lullaby.

The Facade

I’m quite capable of putting on a happy face and being Little Miss Christian. I could do all the good deeds, enjoy the compliments, and fool you into thinking I was humble and sweet on the inside. I’m very good at doing nice things for people when in reality I just want them to notice how nice I am. And I’ll make any sacrifice in the world, as long as it furthers my own interests and comfort.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matt. 23:25-28)

These words from Christ are powerfully convicting because they describe me to a tee. Having grown up in a Christian family and been at church every time the doors were open my entire life, I know how to clean the outside of the cup and plate. I know how to whitewash my tomb. I might call this deceit by other names, even names like “the fruit of the Spirit,” but these actions don’t come from God’s Spirit inside of me. They come from my own selfish ambition and pride.

“Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being,
and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that You have broken rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.”

(Psalm 51:5-10)

“He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: ‘Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ”God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.” But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other.” (Luke 18:9-14)

Photo credit

Going to the Chapel

I haven’t really written about what’s going on in my life lately, but there sure is a lot! Our wedding day is getting closer. As I write this late at night, it’s officially 52 days away. It’s amazing how slowly and yet how quickly time passes when you’re engaged. I feel eager for the days to pass, and yet there is so much to do that 52 days doesn’t seem like enough time!

I’m really thankful for the women in my new church family who are extending their help to me during this time. In many ways I feel like I don’t know what I”m doing as far as wedding planning goes, so it’s an incredible blessing to have competent women come together and help me along. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I’m also really thankful for my godly fiance. He is a gift, and as we prepare for marriage I hope to learn how to honor the Lord as a wife. I’m glad I’ve been blessed with so many wonderful examples throughout my life.

It seems like yesterday that I used to write quite often about singleness, and now here I am writing about getting married. How funny, too, that God used my blog as the means to bring me into initial contact with A.J. He works in mysterious ways.

Married or single, life is about Christ and His sufficiency. Gazing on Him is satisfying to the fullest.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

An Unwasted Life

I recently finished reading My Heart in His Hands, a biography of Ann Judson by Sharon James. Ann and her husband Adoniram were among the first-ever American missionaries; they went overseas in 1812. Ann was converted to faith in Christ during the Second Great Awakening. She married Adoniram knowing his missionary plans and knowing that she would leave the country probably never to see her beloved family again.

She endured months and years on shipboard, the miscarriage of her first child, the death of her firstborn, and extremely slow progress as she and her husband worked in Burma learning the language, translating the Bible, and waiting six years for their first convert. She also endured numerous lengthy separations from Adoniram because of her ill health and various ministry needs. They were pressured by an unfriendly government, and when war broke out between England and Burma, Adoniram was imprisoned.

Ann followed her husband from prison to miserable prison, doing what she could to relieve his suffering while sometimes nearly on her own deathbed. Their third child was born when Ann was living with a Burmese family near Adoniram’s prison, and she became so ill that her husband was given permission to drag through the town in chains with his starving child to beg other mothers to feed her.

After almost two years, Adoniram was freed at war’s end, and amazingly, he and Ann returned to work with as much fervor as before, grateful that they were able to give their lives to evangelism. But Ann’s health had been damaged beyond repair. When Adoniram had to leave again for a few months’ errand, it was the last time he would see his wife – she died while he was gone, at age 37, and their baby daughter Maria died several months later.

The biography I read is composed mostly of Ann’s journals and letters. Her writing is unlike any other I have read; her theology was deep, biblical, and rock-solid, forming the foundation for everything she did and wrote. She stayed herself on the sovereignty of God and was consumed with a passion for spreading the knowledge of salvation in Christ. Undeterred by the inhumane ordeals she experienced, she did not drown her soul in complaints and self-pity. She acknowledged the immense trials that they experienced, but her gaze was ever upward and outward.

Ann was hardly superhuman; the very personal insights into her life make that clear. But she knew her sin, and she knew her Savior, and she was committed to duty and discipline in ways that we rarely talk about now. My Heart in His Hands is a glimpse into an unwasted life – not because she was a missionary or because she experienced greater suffering than you or me, but because she lived for the glory of God and found all of her joy in Him.

I was given this book when I graduated from high school, and I started reading it awhile ago, but it never caught my attention so much as it did now. It is one of the best books I’ve read – and that is saying a lot, because I’ve read my share. I highly recommend it!

Starting a New Week

Sunday night has come to be a sad night of the week. I feel like “the end of all things is near.” Monday morning is approaching. The time for relaxation and enjoying being with my fiance and new church family is over. Now it’s time to think about getting ready for work, getting up on time the next morning, and working on my to-do list. It’s very, very easy to listen to my emotions telling me to feel anxious and depressed when I wake up on a weekday morning in the midst of the fray.

Lately I’ve been convicted about how self-focused this perspective is. If life were all about me, then it would make sense to feel this way. But thankfully, life is not about me. An Anna-centered view on life is false and miserable. But I know when I look up, when, like the woman who touched the corner of Jesus’ garment, I look to Him as my only hope, that is when life begins to make sense again.

Those who know me well know how weak I am, how emotional and prone to wander from the peace of Christ. He holds me securely in spite of my waverings. The quote on the right really exemplifies the type of mindset that I long to have, although it is one that I am far from possessing right now. Contentment seems to be an elusive state I long to reach someday, but I think it’s more of a daily decision to lay down my life and take up my cross, to be constantly thankful instead of constantly complaining.

So these are my reminders to myself on the brink of a new and busy week. I want to embrace it with all it holds, to meditate on Christ and His goodness to me in saving me and pouring on me blessings far more than I deserve.

Insignificances, and some not

I have that song “Children of the Lord” stuck in my head about Noah and his ark… It rained and it poured for forty long daysies, daysies… I have no idea why.

I’m drinking raspberry tea. It’s delicious.

My writing muscles have atrophied. I’m just flexing them. I miss the exercise.

I keep forgetting we have a new President.

I can’t believe people still read and comment on my blog! I was blessed today when I got home and checked my e-mail to find all of the encouraging comments.

I kind of feel like I’m starting from scratch again, but it’s good.

I’m addicted to sunshine. One thing I love about my current job is that there are lots of windows.

I love the song “Your Love Is Strong” by Jon Foreman.

The Lord is my Shepherd. Jesus is my King. Those are two names I’ve been meditating on lately.

Jesus removes my guilt. What a blessed truth.

The only title I can think of for this entry at this point is “Random Thoughts.” There are about 831,132 blogs out there with that exact same title. I’ll think of something better before I publish it!

I love that college is behind me from the standpoint of never having to do homework. What a relief. I still feel that sense of pressure lifted.

The body of Christ is an incredible blessing. People who don’t even know me want to do things for me.

I like to try to see each day with new eyes, ready to be surprised by joy – to have the attitude of a child, “Who knows what wonderful things could happen?”