Spirituality in Opposite-Gender Friendships
In my post Purity Principles, under my discussion of the need to guard our conduct, I mentioned “not becoming spiritually dependent on someone of the opposite gender who could be a romantic interest.” Casey asked me to expound on that idea.
First, let me outline the four spaces of human social interaction. These are called “sacred spaces.” I’m unsure exactly where this concept comes from; I’ve heard it repeatedly from a professor at my school, and I think it’s an excellent description of how things are.
Sacred spaces:
- Intimate. These are people who you don’t wear masks with - your spouse and very close friends.
- Personal. People who are close to you, but not so close that you would tell them everything. They know you well and are good friends, but do not see the deepest parts of your soul.
- Social. Anyone who you know by name/as an acquaintance, are casual friends with, interact with somewhat regularly, etc.
- Public. Strangers/people you don’t know, famous people, people you pass on the street, etc.
A cardinal principle of sacred spaces is that we only have the capacity for a certain number of relationships in each space; some people have more capacity than others, and some numbers are more healthy than others. The only number I recall with certainy is 2-3 in intimate; the others are informed guesses - around 3-10 in personal, several dozen in social, and many more in public. This whole concept has broad implications for how we interact with people, but I’m going to focus on just this topic today.
Now, in friendships and relationships with the opposite gender, only family relationships should ever be in the intimate space: parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife. This is partly because spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite gender naturally leads to physical intimacy. And it is mainly because this level of soul-baring interaction is only meant for marriage. There are three areas where this can become a struggle for Christians: church, friendships, and relationships.
- In the church, we are often encouraged to be completely open with anyone and everyone, particularly in youth groups and singles groups. Honesty, transparency, and authenticity are all very good things, and being personal with each other is good, too. But there is a line that should not be crossed. The times of intimate sharing and soul-baring conversation should not be done in mixed-gender groups.
. - In friendships, there is often a temptation to become spiritually dependent on your other-gendered friend. You have the same ideals and goals in life, so you begin to hold each other accountable about certain things and to lean on each other spiritually. This is dangerous because it is very rare that at least one person in a friendship like this will not begin to develop romantic feelings for the other. And when two people have been very close on a spiritual level, it is extremely difficult not to be close in other ways; and this can cause a lot of difficulty setting appropriate emotional and physical boundaries, even in a friendship.
. - In relationships, this is even more confusing. At some point, as you fall in love with this person, you are going to want to share the deepest parts of your heart. This is part of finding out that you want to marry each other, and I don’t know how exactly this will look in the engagement period. But one good way that I have been taught to keep spiritual intimacy from developing too much and too soon, is to not have devotions and pray together. This really draws you together too strongly for a dating relationship, fosters intimacy in prayer, and makes your spiritual life too much a part of your “couple-hood.” Your spiritual lives need to be individually developed, even during marriage, and especially while dating.
Filed under: Culture, Marriage/Family, Singleness/Relationships on February 4th, 2008
When I pray for protection, part of that is attacks by the enemy against me.
Most part, it is the protection along with the wisdom. Since God told me that I am not to remarry, I have been investing all I have in me into friendships and those who keep me accountable. Not that I would have any to spare but there is an immense amount of freedom to be had when you know that part of your life is already accounted for.
Putting my all in may be a little bit dangerous if I am interacting with the opposite s*x. That is why beg for wisdom and protection for the outside in and the inside going out.
I can survive without shelter. I can go weeks without food, days without water and even a few seconds without air but I cannot go on without His wisdom.
Fantastic post Anna…what’s funny is that just in this past week a few of the issues you talked about have come up in my classes or orientation panels. Thanks for this…very important things that you touched upon.
My youth pastor did a similar serious on this months ago. He called it “Reframing Relationships” basically under the premise of understanding to what degree of intimacy (regardless of gender) different levels of relationship warrant.
He labeled his “Companionship” (”intimate”…we each only have a few of these people, one being your spouse), “Fellowship” (”personal”…those we are close with, but not in a deep intimacy with), “Household” (his definition was more those who are in the body of Christ…in general, but more the definition of “social” you presented) and Friendship (I think. that was what it was called…it was “public,” basically. We extend the love of Christ toward everyone.)
That’s neat to see other people discussing the same principles as well. All things flow through relationship, so I think it important that we understand how to handle them appropriately. Excellent post.
Great post! I think I will send it to one of my friends, with whom I just talked about this subject.
Thanks for writing this - I believe the same thing but find most people around me do not.
Our society keeps telling us that there is no differnece between man and women and we can be just as good friends with both, but I feel as Christians we need to be careful about this.
I also agree with your point about not having devotions/ praying when in a dating relationship. Many people assume this is the right thing to do, but as you said it can cause an unevenness in the level of intimacy that you share with that person. It can encourage you to become more intimate in other areas (e.g. emotional/physical) before it is time. I have witnessed friends fall into this trap and have things go badly.
I am going to disagree with something here
You said this (about Churches):
“But there is a line that should not be crossed. The times of intimate sharing and soul-baring conversation should not be done in mixed-gender groups.”
I think there needs to be wisdom in your choice of sharing.
Personally there’s was time where as a group of 30 odd people in a church like community - we were giving the position to share really openly. And open being unbelievably so. It was a mixed gender group and the result was so incredibly powerful and of God.
I was friends (and still am with some) of the guys in that group and because of the nature of the setup it was okay, it was fine, it leant me towards respect for each person in that group and wasn’t about ‘getting to know them better with motive/romantic inclination’ it was about understanding them as individuals and understanding what God was doing.
Again wisdom on behalf the scenario is smart, but perhaps we shouldn’t treat it as a rule - something hard and fast.
I would love for people particularly in the Christian world to start treating and considering relationships ahead of romantic relationships and pouring effort there instead of focusing on the state or not status of singleness/marriage/dating.
Our leaning to learn to live wisely should not necessarily come with our strength being poured into how to live in the place we’ve at because that is important to us, but because of the model of Jesus. It’s really easy to let ’singless’ etc dictate who you are and how you should act. I did it for a long time. It’s so much more freeing to get beyond that and work out who you actually are.
/end rant - hope that didn’t come across too forcefully
because sometimes we do need to look at this stuff.
@Bec:
“Again wisdom on behalf the scenario is smart, but perhaps we shouldn’t treat it as a rule - something hard and fast.”
I agree with you. There may be times and settings and cultures in which it looks different. And there is definitely no hard-and-fast Scriptural rule about it. I just think these are good standards and patterns to keep in mind and work toward. Discernment needs to be used in any situation, and it’s not always going to look the same.
I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t really read through this whole post, but I wanted to let you know that I ordered stuff from Barnes & Noble today, and spent 30-ish dollars on 7ish books. Thanks for the heads up
I totally disagree about not praying together. If you are perusing a marriage, part of the foundation of your relationship is spiritual intimacy. Do you think the ties that form engagements just happen over night? This type of thinking falls right into the “dating is bad” philosophy made so popular by Joshua Harris about 10 years ago.
If you are praying with someone just because it turns you on or makes you feel wanted, that is the issue you need to focus on…not the fact that you are praying with *gasp* a boy!
Obviously, I’m being a bit sarcastic. But I used to buy into this, but all it did was make me feel guilty and not as good as all the prudish people. I’d much rather be myself and maintain Biblical standards of purity rather than make a bunch of extra rules.
@Amy: Hmm, I see your point. I don’t think offering a prayer together occasionally is wrong at all. But I do think making a habit of spending extended time in deep prayer together, before you’re committed to marriage, is too much, too soon.
I know it doesn’t really bother you, but ideas like this have been used to silence the call of God in women’s lives over and over again. They are told they can’t serve, pray, grow spiritually, be honest, be themselves in the presence of men and since men lead everything in most church those lines merely serve to prevent women from following God. I know that is all well and good in some churches, but it has hurt a lot of women. And I can’t help but think if such a stance was truly biblical why Jesus would tell Mary that sitting at his feet as part of the intimate group of disciples was “the better thing” or why he would approach a woman alone at a well to discuss theology and her personal life. I’d rather follow his example in these matters.
@Julie: I get where you’re coming from. I’ve struggled with some of those issues and I’m not sure of all the answers. I do know that I wasn’t singling out women. I was speaking about both genders, so I’m unsure why you’re just applying it to women.
The “sacred spaces” definitions were very interesting to read. I have 3-4 “intimate” girlfriends who I can bare my soul to, but even with them I do not share everything at all times. As far as guys go (other than my brother) it’s not really something I’ve dealt with much, since most of the guys I know currently fall in the social realm. I’m sure opposite gender relationships will be more of an issue at some point in my future though, so it’s helpful to get some wise thoughts and biblical basis going round in my head. Looking forward to Part 2!
re all comments so far;
Good thoughts, I think there needs to be a distinction between being intimate with in a group and intimate one-on-one. When Mary was close to Jesus it was generally in a group context. Also his closest friends (John, Peter) were men.
And of course no-one (except God) is perfect, therefore in ever relationship there is the need to guard against sin (whether it’s dating, marriage, sibling, friends, leader/group, etc). I think Anna is giving us some ideas to think about to help prevent sin entering a male/female relationship (And also acknowledging the God given powerfulness of such a relationship).
I singled out women because they are the ones who get hurt and silenced be the rules. Men have the power and so other men have no problem joining them to serve. When a system affects both genders but harms just one there are perhaps questions that need to be asked of the system.
@Julie: I think men are often hurt and silenced in the church, too. These boundaries serve to protect both genders from being hurt by inappropriate (especially one-on-one) intimacy.
*debates in mind: should I comment…or shouldn’t I?*
Just like everybody else, I have a ton to say about this topic. I’ll try to limit myself.
I would just like to say:
1. thank you
2. you’re right
3. you’re perspective is almost extinct
4. we all hate to admit when a motive could be wrong in a relationship
5. even when our motives are not romance, the other person involved may have other feelings (this is called “facing reality”) and may not even be able to identify it for themselves.
6. I’m looking forward to the next installment.
7. In case it crossed your mind because of some of the comments above, I don’t really think you came across as legalistic in this post.
I have more, but I will be quiet now.
thank you. and have a nice day.
I heartily agree with you, Anna.
Wow Anna, I never imagined some people might translate modesty and prudence in personal relationships as abusive! So let’s see…if you as a single girl are cautious of sharing your most inner self with the young men around you, you are actually a victim of those men, who probably don’t realize that they are victimizing you. And by sharing your ideals with other women, they then too are being victimized by the vast “modest-wing conspiracy” in the church. Hmmm…
As a man, I can say that I believe that women actually hold most of the power in relationships with men. Men are weak emotionally and dependent on women to shore them up most of the time. While men are often circumstantially more powerful, women are more relationally powerful. Women should realize that oftentimes a wise and prudent women can change her circumstances by using the power of relationship - not always, but often. As today’s liberal women attempt to change the power structure in their circumstances, they give away the power in relationships because has to be framed by modesty and prudence.
As to the example of Jesus’ relationship with women of his day, I will say this. Jesus was perfect and without sin; I am not Jesus. He also did miracles; I am not Jesus. I will not be producing miracles, and I will not be allowing women I am not married to sit at my feet, in the sense of intimate relationship. To take Jesus example as a model for us is a misuse of Scripture and invites my sinful heart to great danger. Remember that Proverbs reminds us that “the heart is deceitful above all…”.
Whether liking it or not, modesty and prudence exercised by good women is a blessing to their Christian brothers. Sorry for the extra burden, but then again, we’ll try to accept the extra burden we have to “love our wives as Christ loved the Church”.
Really great post Anna, and so well explained. Good job! I know exactly what you mean about spiritual intimacy leading to intimacy in other inappropriate areas.