Sisters… what I long for you to know
2008 January 4
This is a stream-of-consciousness list of things I want to share with my sisters in Christ. I’m still learning many of them myself. They’re not really in a particular order, but I feel so strongly about each of these points.
- You are a creation of God, and your worth comes from that fact, not from what the males around you say or think.
- You do not need to sacrifice your modesty in order to prove that you are “comfortable with your body.”
- Submission in a godly marriage is not demeaning; it is freeing.
- The standards of this culture are selling you short. Question them; don’t accept them blindly.
- You can be different from your peers. It’s okay.
- The most content women are not those who have everything the world can offer, but who have everything Christ can offer.
- It is okay that you want to be loved, not just lusted after.
- Shopping and fashion can become unhealthy obsessions, just like anything else.
- Being a wife and a mother is a high calling. And so is exploiting your singleness to the glory of God.
- Your weight is a matter of your personal health and stewardship of the body God has given you – not a measure of the person you are. Those who really love you will know this.
- Waiting for a godly guy who respects you is worth it.
- Girls with boyfriends… and women with husbands… have problems too.
- The Creator of the universe values your unfading inner beauty, not your transient outer appearance.
- There are so many opportunities in this world for a young woman who wants to serve God. Don’t limit yourself.
- Christ can be your salvation. And when He is, He becomes the most abundant life you’ve ever dreamed of - not easy, not comfortable, but abundant.
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Thank you for your advice.
It is comforting.
Nicely written. I’m sending this to my wife and daughter.
Good list.
Here’s one that I heard recently that is now a favorite: “A woman should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him to find her.” — anonymous
Thank you, this is encouraging.
Thank you for this encouragement!
I love #12…I can pinpoint a handful of my friends who, I imagine, are not really aware of that fact…and I know I’ve been there, too.
That one made me smile–they are all so true!
We can share truth without being an expert in living it, I think…
These are authentic and lovely, yet down-to-earth.
I wonder, can you speak about whether “submission in a godly marriage is not limiting, it is freeing,” without having been in such a marriage yet? And if you were married, and found submission freeing could you say that for all women it would be freeing?
Hey, I love all the rest, and your heart to boot
That is very encouraging. Thanks for posting that.
Jemila, hi! I know you!
Thanks for asking. Just because this is a touchy subject, I don’t want to open it up for debate right now… but I’d be happy to e-mail you if you’d like. For now, I’ll just say that besides the Scripture, I’ve also observed submission in godly marriages, and that’s where I’ve drawn that truth from.
i don’t know if im technically allowed to comment on this post but i just want to say….its really good! great message for the ladies!
Lovely post – those are all things I ‘know’ but need to be reminded of again and again
How hard it to battle against what our culture tells us all the time, yet how freeing it is when we make Christ our focus and recieve His help in the battle.
Not that I feel totally secure in all these areas myself, but I echo your passion to share these. Some of these exact topics are so often on my heart and I yearn to help others understand them–The last one most importantly– for from it springs security in all the other areas you mentioned. Definitely some food for thought and application in my life.Thanks for sharing…
Anna, your writing just keeps getting better. I wish you the best of success–to bring GOD the glory!
Daniel – Of course you are allowed to comment!
Erin & Kaylene – I am just like you. I know these things in my head, but the challenge is getting them into my heart and life. By sharing, I am not saying that I have it all together, because I definitely don’t. Thanks for sharing too!
Oh wow! I LOVE this list you have made here! What wonderful advice for women! I think i’ll be coming back to read more soon. God bless you!
Good words, Anna…we forget them WAY too often.
Thank you for the encouragement. It’s difficult to have the right kind of self-esteem in today’s culture, especially when you’re not prone to it anyway. On the other hand, the culture tempts you to be proud too. It’s hard to have the right mentality about who you are and what’s realy important in today’s world.
So thank you for your words of encouragment. They are good reminders, and words of wisdom.
That’s so true, Veronika; as an antidote to having poor self-esteem, the culture often encourages us to take pride in ourselves, flaunt our beauty, or be “empowered.” It can be tempting to either hate ourselves or worship ourselves – and either one is idolatry, taking our focus off God. Thanks for that.
Anna, I will echo the rest of the girls here and say I LOVE this list. It’s confirming and encouraging. These are things I’ve learned and continue to learn, and you put them into words so well. Thank you…I needed to be reminded.
Amen! Powerful, beautiful, truthful post! Thanks for sharing, and God Bless!
“That’s so true, Veronika; as an antidote to having poor self-esteem, the culture often encourages us to take pride in ourselves, flaunt our beauty, or be ‘empowered.’ It can be tempting to either hate ourselves or worship ourselves – and either one is idolatry, taking our focus off God. Thanks for that.”
Yes!
Oh my… I needed to hear this!
What an amazing declaration to ponder and believe.
Thank you so much for sharing this…
Kaysie
MUTUAL submission in a godly marriage is very freeing indeed. To live to love and serve the other in any relationship is freeing for it is what we are created for
I agree with the second sentence, Mak.
But as you know, we have differing opinions on what the roles of marriage are, and it is my belief that the wife is specially called to submission while the husband is specially called to leadership. And it is indeed a very freeing truth to live in the roles we were created for.
Hi, Anna! I love the stream of your consciousness, because it’s full of truth. I’m recommending your blog to a young friend. I think she’ll greatly benefit from your wisdom and insight.
Thanks, Ann! I appreciate it!
freeing FOR YOU
it’s not going to be freeing for me in my marriage for someone to say that my husband isn’t doing his role and I’m not doing my role and we need to change – ya know? This isn’t about disagreeing about marriage roles sweetie, this is about acknowledging that my marriage is my marriage and is the most free thing I have aside from my relationship with God and for you to say otherwise isn’t freeing, it puts me in bondage. Same goes for me to try to force you into egalitarianism in the name of God. And Jemila makes a good point – you’re not married, and it’s good to remain humble and honest about that…the only thing you have to go on is a certain model that you’ve seen in action with other people.
…oh, and I’m just being the rabble rouser, you have too many people agreeing with you here
hehe…
by the way, I’m not suggesting you’re not humble, just that you might consider how your words sound to others who are serving and loving God in a very different marriage model and suggesting that maybe, just MAYBE, you could admit that that’s ok for them
Hmm… Mak, I appreciate what you’re saying. I really do. I’d be happy to continue this discussion over e-mail, but as I mentioned earlier, I don’t want to turn it into a debate thread. I’ll will reply now, however, and say that I believe the roles I’ve mentioned for men and women are biblical and set up by God. Of course they are going to be expressed in different ways. But I would be inconsistent in my belief if I didn’t believe that it applied to everyone. And I can’t sacrifice what I believe to be true in order to say that you can be happy with “your own truth.”
Also, I know that there are certain things about marriage that can only be understood if you are married… but I don’t think this is one of them. I do strive to maintain a humble attitude about this kind of thing. You can note that I only mentioned this issue briefly in the post. I didn’t make it all about complementarianism. But still, having an attitude of humility doesn’t mean that I have to hold every belief loosely.
Again, feel free to e-mail me if you would like to continue the discussion. Thanks for bringing up these issues… good-spirited disagreement isn’t always a bad thing.
I have no interest in debating you, just demonstrating my pov which I think is an important counter point. Obviously this isn’t just “my truth”. I believe the Bible points strongly to egalitarianism and that the roles you mention as “God ordained” are indeed intended to be presented in principle and manifested in a cultural context.
If you put something on your blog in the way you did, it hardly seems fair to tell commenters to talk to you privately about it – public discourse should be the goal right?
Yes, you’re right, Makeesha, and sometimes I would feel fine to debate it publicly. But this was one small point out of a long post about other topics, so I don’t want to belabor it. When I write about complementarianism, please feel to discuss it in the comments section. I just feel as though this is veering slightly off-topic and detracting from the rest of the issues discussed in the article. That’s why I encouraged e-mailing. I hope that makes more sense.
not really, but it doesn’t matter cuz it’s your blog
…and I wasn’t looking for a debate.
I was done anyway and probably won’t engage the issue with you in the future since obviously both of us are set in our positions
if you ever want to seriously consider the alternative views of scripture you know where to go.
I love the Biblical model of submission. Anna, you’re right – It IS very freeing, and although I haven’t been married (yet!), I have observed it in the marriages of my pastors and their wives, friends, and more. It is a hard thing b/c our natural inclination is to buck against it, but it is a beautiful thing and an absolutely wonderful model of Christ and the church. I love how God has set things into motion!!!
In Genesis, we see what our sin nature will bring us:
Genesis 3:16 ESV To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
And then in Ephesians 5, we see this beautiful imagery of marriage:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV
Even Paul says it is a mystery! That, it is… Thanks for the perspective on submission. It is a hard thing to grapple with, but once in it, I see (and will prayerfully know someday) that it is a beautiful gift from God.
And to — Waiting for a godly guy who respects you is worth it.
MOST DEFINITELY! I am currently being pursued by a very Godly man and I’m like, wow! 1st time for everything… it’s so… amazing to be pursued in a way such as this… so yay! What a great post!
Wow, Jenn… that’s awesome! Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful. I wish every girl knew these truths. Well done for sharing them. I especially love the last one – “Christ can be your salvation. And when He is, He becomes the most abundant life you’ve ever dreamed of – not easy, not comfortable, but abundant.”
I really have to emphasize this because I think for some women it will be important to hear – OBSERVING your pastor’s marriage means nothing. A marriage is what goes on behind closed doors and the dynamics of that marriage ultimately are a secret to the couple alone. Even observing your parent’s marriage means very little.
You may OBSERVE that it is freeing or beautiful or whatever and it likely works for them but to say that you know how it is when you’re not married is not wise.
I trust you ladies will find godly men who are “leaders” because that’s what you want – and that’s fine because you seem healthy enough to make it work well. But it is so important for me to mention yet again that Biblical evidence is there to suggest that the “male leader, female obeyer” model is not the ONLY way to view it. And honest, intelligent study will prove that out.
AT THE MOST GENEROUS, you could say that either complimentarian OR egalitarian models are supported in scripture for both marriage and church dynamics. This is so important because i have seen too many women AND MEN feel horribly horribly trapped and hurt in otherwise loving “free” complimentarian marriages thinking that if they do anything else they’re disobeying God.
I know you disagree and that’s fine but after that last comment I really felt compelled to point that out.
Mak, I think there is a bit of a contradiction in your comment. You say that we cannot base our beliefs on our own observations.
And then later you say that “I have seen too many women and men feel horribly horribly trapped and hurt in otherwise loving ‘free’ complementarian marriages…”
If what you’re saying about subjectivity is true, then you can’t draw conclusions from others’ marriages either.
of course not
I can only report what they’ve told me just as you report what has been said to you. I speak from experience though. My husband and I didn’t start out this way either. We felt forced into marriage and parenting ideas that never really felt right (complimentarianism and punitive discipline) and when we found our voice and gained support for an alternative that’s when we both were free.
anyway, I don’t want to badger you, I know your heart is good and you are doing what you feel is best in a desire to obey God.
Shine on sister
You too
Anna,
Nice job on bearing with the topic of submission after requesting kindly to redirect.
You are correct when you say that beliefs cannot be based on observation. Observations help a great deal, especially as it concerns the human condition and sin, but truth is grounded in the Word. Experience can bolster truth but it is not monolithic.
My view of complementarianism is based on years of study with a great deal of practical experience; although the experience is not final proof. I grew up with a mother for pastor, in a circle of churches led by women who became domineering with their “egalitarian” viewpoint. Our home was confusing as were the other homes of these “pastors”. Today, I know of few sons/daughters of these people who serve the Lord today. By nature of this arrangement in churches and homes, godly masculinity is eschewed and a feminism of sorts comes in. Hard words but generally true.
The point is though, that I too can speak from experience. But in the end we must run to Scripture based in a proper hermenutic that sheds our cultural presuppositions.
For the most part, I think we all know our parents very well and can see the fruit of their relationship. In previous generations much more was hidden, but I think this is much less true today. Unfortunately for the complementarian crowd there is some abuse of the concept in certain groups, thereby rendering the discussion difficult for us who seek the proper balance.
Keep up the great comments! The tone is generous and kind.
That’s exactly what I was trying to say… that would be a great entry!
Thanks, Dad…