Hope Road

In response to my January 16th post, Topics: You Decide, Anjuan wrote, “I would like for you to write about the realities of maintaining purity… My wife and I just had a daughter, and I am keen to help her understand these principles as she grows. The world assumes that it’s impossible… but I know that it can be done. Any advice you can give and experiences you can share about dating and maintaining healthy relationships with the opposite s*x would be greatly appreciated.” (edited slightly for content)

Let me begin by saying that I do not have much experience in this area, but I am happy to share what I do know. We live in a world where standards for purity have all but flown out the window. A scant 150 years ago, a man or woman’s purity was viewed as one of their most valuable possessions - something to be protected at all costs. Now, it seems like something to be rid of at all costs. But regardless of culture’s standards - or lack thereof - and our own sinful natures’ inclinations, God has a higher calling for us, His people.

“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: s*xual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” (Colossians 3:5-8)

There are many other passages I could point to that delineate the same principle: as believers, we are called by our holy God to a life of purity. This does not mean that we will always find this life easy. On the contrary, we know instinctively that it will be very difficult. Yet we are equipped with the divine power of God’s Spirit in us, to enable us to live lives that are pleasing to Him, in this area as well as every other.

What are some practical steps we can take to ensure that we are maximizing our potential for obedience in this aspect of our lives? I have either found these steps helpful personally, or have seen them in others’ lives, or have derived them from using common sense.

1. Hold marriage sacred. This means your current marriage, your future marriage, or the marriages of others. Our culture finds a certain forbidden thrill in flouting the sacred boundaries of marriage. But God has told us in Scripture that we must “Let marriage be held in honor among all” (Hebrews 13:4). This means the more that we as individuals or as the church accept unbiblical divorce, promiscuity, cohabitation, and homos*xuality, the less we are honoring marriage. And we need to watch these things in our own lives first and foremost, and let the boundaries of present or future marriages guide our behavior, especially around the opposite s*x.
2. Watch the children’s eyes. Principles of purity or impurity are instilled from a very young age. It is my personal belief what children see when they are at a young age becomes normative to them. That is why the evil of the world’s patterns needs to be relayed gradually, so that what is good and right and true can be seen first. Evil will look less and less evil the more normal it becomes. Children’s minds are so sensitive that numbing them to evil at young ages can have devastating consequences.
3. Watch your own eyes. So, so, so, so, so much immorality could be prevented if we would watch what we are watching and listening to, even seemingly innocent forms of media. To ascertain how media is affecting your heart, ask yourself questions - “What do I laugh at? What would have shocked me two or three years ago, but doesn’t now? What shows/music/movies have I been watching when I am struggling with my thought life? When am I most likely to stumble, and how does what I have been putting into my mind affect that?” There is a reason for that children’s song “Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see… oh, be careful, little ears, what you hear…”
4. Guard your conduct. Sometimes, especially as single college students, we like to pretend that no gender boundaries exist in casual settings - that we can have the same discussions and share the same information we would in a single-gender setting. But this is simply not true. We have a responsibility to watch over our words and actions carefully, especially around those of the other gender. We need to be careful not to be overly flirty, not to lead others on, not to show too much of our souls to people who have not earned our trust, not to become spiritually dependent on someone of the opposite gender who could be a romantic interest. I could go on about the particulars of this, and maybe I will in another post.
5. Set high standards. Better too high than too low. If you have been blessed with godly parents, do nothing you wouldn’t want them to see or hear. If not, do nothing you wouldn’t want a godly couple you know to see or hear. Enough said.
6. Be accountable. We talk about accountability so much in Christian settings that sometimes it gets wearisome to hear about. But that is because it is so, so, so very important. Depending on who you are and what your temptations are, you may need a formal accountability structure, or you may not, as long as you have something there. It’s human nature to be more consistent if we have someone watching us to make sure we’re doing the right thing. You’ll be so thankful for it in the long run. Get some accountability.

Those are just a few thoughts on boundaries and guidelines to give thought to as we strive after lives of purity. I’m not exactly an expert in this area, never having been married, obviously. But these are things God has taught me, that I hope will remain consistent in my life. Anything you have to share on the subject would be much welcomed as well.

Filed under: Culture, Marriage/Family, Singleness/Relationships on January 21st, 2008