A Beautiful Dying

Amy at Lavender *Sparkles* wrote a lovely post today: “I think it’s no accident that nature’s at its most beautiful when it’s dying.”

She compares the exquisiteness of summer’s demise with the beauty of dying to oneself: “And it’s in death to self that I am most beautiful, because it’s here that I look most like my Savior–the One who died that I might live.”

What a thoughtful and apt comparison. I love analogies like this. To think that I am most fully alive, most beautiful, when I am living the way I am meant to live, finding my fulfillment and joy in serving others, and in serving my King.

The Secret to Time Management

Back in the day, when I was a young and naive seventeen-year-old college freshman, I used to be great at time management. In fact, you might even say I was a little obsessed with time management. I did all my homework. I mean that I read every single page. The first time I skipped one reading assignment was in the second semester of my freshman year, and it was really hard for me to convince myself to do that. I did everything ahead of time, and I considered myself stressed if I had a five-page paper due in two weeks.

Fast forward just over three years. I’m an old and seasoned twenty-one-year-old senior in college, and I have become quite bad at managing my time! Me! The organized one, the non-procrastinator! I still try to manage my time, I really do. I write lists when I can and I make plans, and my room is still clean and organized. But now, I skip reading assignments when they’re not necessary. I do projects the night before. I write ten-page papers in one afternoon.

Now, I am willing to admit that not all of this change has been negative. It has been good for me to loosen up a little, to make people a priority once in awhile, and to stop trying to control everything.

But sometime at the end of last semester, I really just burned out on school. And suddenly, it felt like I couldn’t enjoy anything anymore. I had no motivation to do my assignments. I could barely get things done on time. Gone was that feeling of motivation, of ambition, of satisfaction over a job well done. Even when school ended and summer began, I felt constantly tired. All I wanted to do was rest and read and watch movies. Going to work was a drag. In Peru, I had trouble getting up in the morning and being excited, even though I loved what I was doing. When this semester started, I was still feeling the same way. And though I have lost that feeling of not being interested in anything, the procrastination and lack of motivation is still lingering.

There are a lot of factors that have played into this, including my insomnia and my constant busyness and hard work over the past three years – as well as the adjustment from being a home-schooler with lots of free time, to being a college student with almost no free time.

But the point of this entry… because believe it or not, there is a point… is that sometimes, the secret to time management is this:

Apply yourself, and
just do it.

I know! Revolutionary! That’s what happened to me last night. I had procrastinated all afternoon on writing a five-page paper that I really had no other time to write. It’s due tomorrow. After my night class, I realized how urgently I really did have to write the paper. So I sat down at the table in our living room with my books, and I didn’t open my e-mail or the Internet, and I didn’t try to “pace myself” by taking little breaks that turn into huge chunks of time. I just did it. And it got done, in a little over an hour, and edited tonight after I got back from babysitting.

The lesson I’m learning is that this whole college experience has been showing me how much I need balance. I do not need to be this uptight person who controls and lists out every minute of my time. But I also can’t be lazy, and I shouldn’t procrastinate without a purpose. Instead, I need to be productive and ambitious and hardworking, and to purposefully set aside times of rest so I can really enjoy them instead of feeling guilty.

So I hope this post has been sufficiently motivational for me to endure these last three or four weeks of the semester. I don’t know what good it’s done you, but I feel better having written it!

One November Day

Today, I just want to press the “pause” button on life. If only there was such a thing.

It’s a wet, chilly November day. A few trees are still brilliant with color. There’s one around the corner that’s a beautiful deep red. The tree outside our apartment window is bare of all but a few clinging yellow leaves. The tips of its branches look lacy, crisscrossed against the gray sky. Our window is dewy with raindrops.

Our apartment is so peaceful. It’s clean and quiet; it smells good; it’s such an incredible blessing. I don’t know how I would have survived the craziness of this semester without having this home to come back to.

Thanksgiving is next week, and Christmas break is just a couple of weeks after that. But meanwhile, there are many hurdles to be crossed. This week alone I have a paper to write, a project to work on, a presentation to give, and lots of reading and journalling to catch up on.

My respite of reading for pleasure is more difficult to enjoy since I have so much academic reading to do. Watching movies and TV shows on DVD is fun, but there are only so many good ones to watch, and they waste so much time.

I just want to stop for a day. One day. And absorb everything. Walk outside in the cool, brisk air. Soak in the last beauties of autumn. Feel the raindrops on my face without worrying about my mascara running. Curl up with a good book without worrying about how many pages I have to get done.

There are momentary pleasures to be enjoyed, even when longer ones are unreachable. But I’ve enjoyed them long enough for today. Time to write a paper!

Various and Sundry (11/10)

Yes, I know – two in one week! Crazy! This time I’m going to be focusing on quotes I’ve been loving recently, either from online or offline. They’re so encouraging.

“A quiet and gentle woman is like a weaned child. She trusts the Lord, and this lack of fear makes her radiant.” -Carolyn McCulley

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.” -Romans 12:9-13

“A lack of grumbling and argument is the trademark of a blameless and pure life. Not only that, but it sets believers apart from those who don’t know Christ – in a way so brilliant it’s like stars on a dark night.” -Suzanne Hadley

“How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose! …You drove them from me, You who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place… O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth, and my Salvation.” -Augustine (quoted in John Piper’s Taste and See)

“Let me find Your light in my darkness,
Your life in my death,
Your joy in my sorrow,
Your grace in my sin,
Your riches in my poverty,
Your glory in my valley.”
-The Valley of Vision

“Love is seeking your own happiness in the well-being of another.” -John Ensor

“A gentle and quiet spirit is an inner disposition of humble contentment and quiet tranquility rooted in an unwavering trust in God and His purpose.” -Carolyn Mahaney

“If I should suffer need, and go unclothed,
and be in poverty,
make my heart prize Thy love,
know it, be constrained by it,
though I be denied all blessings.”
-The Valley of Vision

For the Love of Writing

The feeling never changes – anticipation mixed with a little anxiety. It’s the blank screen, the empty page, the blinking cursor, the tapping of my pen on the paper as I ponder what words will be formed. I anticipate the rush of expressing myself, the satisfaction of choosing just the right word. I am anxious because even though I’ve written well in the past, there’s no guarantee that will extend into the future. The words still have to be written. It’s not as if it gets any easier with time. More natural, yes. Easier, no.

More and more, this is what I want to do. With my life, I mean. I want to work for an organization that I’m passionate about being a part of. And I want to write, or edit. I want to work with the words that shape their vision, their projects. I want to be a part of Kingdom building through this medium. I don’t know if that’s what God wants yet. But it’s encouraging, hopeful, to have a direction and a desire.

That being said, I’m not writing a novel anymore. That shouldn’t surprise most of you. I am absolutely swamped with schoolwork, and when I don’t even make time to have a quiet time during the day, I don’t think I should be trying to make writing a novel a priority. Thanks very much for your encouragement, though!

Meanwhile, you all get to suffer through enjoy my randomosity and ramblings. Sometimes I don’t even know what I want to share when I click “new post.” Other times, I get an idea during the day and think, I have to remember to blog about that! It’s my only way to really fulfill my creative urges right now. I hope to get time sometime soon to submit queries to a few online magazines I’d like to write for. But until that time, I’m left with good ol’ hope road. Thanks for subscribing, reading, and commenting. I love to know that people are reading what I’m writing.

The Danger of Discernment

Discernment is a vital part of any believer’s life. I hope that I’m growing in it all the time, learning to evaluate ideas in light of God’s word and in pursuit of His truth. When I open a new book or listen to a new sermon or watch a new movie, I’m consciously or subconsciously critiquing them in order to know whether they are in line with the truth, or at the very least, what truth I can glean from them even if they’re not nominally Christian.

As I said, this process is vital – it should become second nature to us. But it comes with a danger, doesn’t it? It’s the danger that we will become so objective in our thinking that we no longer take things to heart.

For instance, I go to church and hear a sermon preached on the importance of not complaining. But instead of opening my heart and letting the Spirit convict me and change me, I’m busy in my mind, critiquing the pastor’s expositional method and the Bible translation he’s using and the fact that he mentioned he owns an iPhone in one of his illustrations. I am no longer being pierced by the Word. Instead, I am piercing everything around me with my analysis.

To an overly analytical mind such as mine, this is such an easy trap to fall into. It’s grown even easier since I’ve been in college as a Bible major for the past three years, looking at truth and the Word objectively, analyzing and critiquing every idea I come in contact with. As important of a process as this is, it’s so easy for something to be lost in translation: the heart.

While I’m looking at truth academically and examining it mentally, am I allowing my heart and emotions to be engaged? Am I letting truth get close enough to be uncomfortable, to reveal things about myself I need to change, to shine light into the dark places in my heart?

I hope that you and I can continue to be discerning, to let truth into our minds. But I hope that we also let it into our hearts, and remember that what we are learning is meant to be experienced and lived, not just thought about.

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he looks like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” (James 1:22-25)

Various and Sundry (11/6)

Well, this still hasn’t been a very regular occurrence, but here’s a short offering for this week. There are just two links I want to highlight.

First of all, author Nicole Baart is giving away copies of her awesome book After the Leaves Fall (you can read my review here) during the month of November. Head on over and comment to be entered!

And secondly, Christa Taylor, the modest fashion company that I’ve featured before on Various & Sundry, has just had a site redesign. Their new fall line was recently unveiled as well. I just love these clothes! They’re pretty, fashionable, affordable, and modest. A very rare combination, let me tell you. And what’s better than any of that is at least 30% of their profits go to an orphanage they run in Cambodia.

Well, I’m currently completely swamped with homework and babysitting, so I need to go. I hope you enjoy the linkage!

A Paralyzing Fear

From Reforming the Feminine:

“The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war, or losing their parents.”

How many of us are secretly agreeing with that?

I hate the state we’re in.

To Kill a Baby

Crystal at Biblical Womanhood wrote today about the attempted abortion of one of these twins (adorable Gabriel, right), who survived two attempts on his life and is now thriving.

I realize my title for this entry is a bit extreme. But that’s because I am so passionate about ending abortion. I do not want to negate the culpability of the parent(s) in any abortion situation. However, what makes me angry is that so many times, the medical community tries to force the issue. That was seemingly the case with this story. The parents truly believed they were doing what was best for the healthier child. As Crystal wrote, “How low have we gone in this world? …Lord, help us.”

It’s a world that allowed the Holocaust. And it’s a world that allows abortion. Truly we need a Savior.

Writing a Novel

I am going to attempt to write a 50,000-word novel during the month of November.

That’s right.

It’s part of National Novel Writing Month – or NaNoWriMo for short.

I have to do around 1,700 words per day.

Am I crazy? I think maybe, because I have 16 credits and a babysitting job and one of the busiest semesters ever.

But here I am, trying to write a novel.

I’m going to take it one day at a time. I’ve already got an hour for writing scheduled for later in the day. Hopefully that’ll be enough!

I’ll keep you posted. Blogging might be a little more pithy and succinct this month.

Update: In case you missed it on my “For the Love of Writing” entry, I am no longer able to meet this goal! Read there for a little more info. Thanks for your encouragement!