Authenticity (Part 1)
Many times, I stay away from discussions about authenticity and “being real” in Christianity. It’s not because I don’t think that being authentic is important. It’s because I think it’s misused at times, specifically in two ways. I want to discuss one of those misuses today. In part 2 on Tuesday, I’ll talk about the second misuse. And starting on Thursday, I’ll discuss the good use of authenticity.
The first problem I see with the way “being real” is used in churches today lies in the realm of what to share of yourself and with whom. Often “authenticity” becomes the channel of sharing too much with people you shouldn’t. Modesty extends not just to what you wear, but to what you say, and our culture has largely lost the virtue of propriety in speech. Appropriate emotional and spiritual boundaries need to be maintained.
What does this look like, you might ask? I’m not sure if I can say what it looks like, but I can give you an example of what it doesn’t look like. Mixed-gender groups in churches and other Christian organizations, especially groups that are composed of singles, whether they be teenagers or thirty-somethings, can encourage a form of emotional intimacy that is unhealthy. This “authenticity” that would usually only be expressed across genders in a dating relationship or marriage, is touted as being a healthy way for this group of individuals to interact and “bond.”
In the end, though, confusion, disappointment, vulnerability, and even heartbreak can result as the singles in the group grow emotionally close. Perhaps one couple starts to date, and then breaks up. Or perhaps one person in the group is romantically attracted to another member who doesn’t return the feelings. This puts everyone in an awkward situation because of the level of intimacy everyone has been in, under the banner of being authentic. Those are just a couple of examples of possible results, but even if no heartbreak is involved, true emotional intimacy should be reserved for marriage.
So authenticity does not mean that we don’t have boundaries with others. There’s also another common misuse of authenticity that I’ll be discussing in part 2 of this series. Join me back here on Tuesday!
(HT: Beauty from the Heart)
Filed under: Christianity on October 13th, 2007
If I am reading you correctly, you are saying, those who join a singles group (and are single) run the risk of getting their heart broken if they should find a person within that group they are authentic in their expression of feelings and emotions.
If this is what you are saying. I would agree. Such a setting is but one of millions were a single person can have such an experience. It is unfortunate that a person goes looking for love as if they were fishing in a lake. Looking for love or friendship from somebody else who will make you happy delivers such disappointments.
So, its imperative for a person to first join into a relationship with theirself…unltimately discovering The One (God) within…and share that discovery with another doing the same.
Whoa…
I am doing a lot of chewing on this but I got some reports to crank out until I pass out tonight.
I will come back and give a couple of pennies on this.
Transparency versus Modesty
For somebody who has his heart in pastoral leadership, I strive to be as transparent as possible.
I do realize it is the extreme answer to all of those who have fallen from grace while serving the church in one capacity or another.
With all of the pastors making in the news (not in a good way), we get this feeling that we have to be that much more accountable.
I guess the better question would be: where is the balance.
Or another question: what are those boundaries? I am open and honest about everything that I struggle with but it is the same stuff that I share with the folks that keep me accountable.
In what way, have you seen in your experience, how does a coed singles group get too emotionally connected? What are some of the warning signs that we need to look out for to make sure we don’t fall into that trap?
I ask that because I am part of two coed groups. I am oblivious to the whole “dating scene” because I am fresh from a divorce where I was married/engaged/dating for 10 years. I have no desire to remarry now and not for another 10 years. All I do is pour my heart into my groups, invest all that I can and serve these people because I love them. Am I doing something wrong?
Thanks for the discussion! I would say that what I have usually seen is the leader(s) of a group trying to get people to share too much personal stuff.
It seems I have caused confusion with this entry, which was not my intent at all. Sorry about that.
I totally agree with you! People think that men and women can relate on the same page…about the rest of your discussion which is quite good…
We truly need to guard ourselves and what we share. Part of friendship is getting to know each other gradually, not laying out all the cards on the table at once…don’t tell someone something that means a lot to you until you feel like you can trust them in a friendship…
People have such a distorted view of frienship. I was talking with my roommate, and we were talking about friends. She was talkng about how one of her former best friends in elementary or middle school never talks to her. (Just stating the fact, and telling me that she was in the military). She then went on to talk about her other friends, and told me, “I know I am not one of your best friends probably…” And then I interrupted her, adn told her I do not have a best friend. I have good friends. If I have a best friend, it is all the members of my family, because they love me no matter what, and will (if God is willing) be together for an extended period of time. But I have all different kinds of friendships. I have people on campus which I may not see much, but we connect immediatly and pic kup where we left off. I have new friends, older friends, good friends, better and closer friends, and people whom I enjoy saying hi to and maybe addressing them with a few sentences. I feel like friendship is not given the importance it needs. It takes trust and dedication on both sides…are people willing to give that? Marriage takes a deeper degree of trust, loyalty, and dedication…are people ready for that?
Thanks for the thoughts, Lindsay! I think they helped sort out some of my own thinking on the topic. And in response to Joe, I don’t think it’s so much specific boundaries and rules as it is trying to have an attitude of being real with people, yet keeping appropriate boundaries. What “appropriate” means is a matter of personal discernment, but I don’t think I can articulate what exactly that looks like at this point in time. Again, I don’t know if these thoughts are helpful or not.