Hope Road

Sitting here in this messy room with a weekend of homework ahead of me, I’m trying to remember how I got to this moment. I’m trying to blame someone, anyone but myself, for this inescapable load that’s pressing on my mind.

Maybe it started when I chose to babysit all of those extra hours last week.

Or when I decided to return here for my senior year.

Or when I decided to transfer to this school.

Or when I decided to go to college and study ministry in the first place.

Or when my heart was touched to help orphans and people in need.

Or when I spent all those years in church, where the springs of compassion first welled up in me.

Or when I knelt at my living room couch as a three-year-old, asking Jesus to forgive me for my sins.

Yes, come to think of it, it was that moment that was truly cataclysmic. Jesus has messed me all up since then. He’s reshaped my life. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I’d never come to that moment. The moment I was born, really, for the first time. The beginning of who I am at my core.

And the reason I followed those winding paths that have led me right here where I am at this very moment.

So maybe, in essence, it’s because of Him that I’m here.

Not, of course, that I’m a little behind in my schoolwork.

But it means that He wants me here, in this place, with this test coming up on Monday morning, and this speech coming up on Monday evening, and another test on Tuesday morning.

I’ve done my best to discern His calling, and these are the responsibilities He’s given me for right now.

It makes things a little more weighty. And more freeing, at that. It’s not my life, is it. It’s His. I gave it to Him a long time ago. And He’s not just out there somewhere, glancing at my troubles. No, He’s also right beside me, knowing my fatigue and my fever and my emotional weariness.

You mean… it’s not just all up to me.

What a thought.

Filed under: Personal Reflection on September 21st, 2007