The World Cannot Stop for You

This poem is about the incident described in “Pearls Before Breakfast,” the story of Joshua Bell, the world-famous violinist who played unnoticed in a Washington train station. But it was inspired by “Ignoring Beauty,” the Desiring God blog entry posted in response to the incident. I wrote it a few months ago for my Creative Writing class. If you want to understand it, I highly encourage you to read at least the Desiring God entry first.

The world cannot stop for you.
You are only a bow on four strings,
A scrap of song on a busy morning,
Drowned out by a thousand voices
And two thousand feet on the pavement.
In glittering concert halls, your genius is legendary,
But here you are interrupting. We cannot stop.

The world cannot stop for You.
You are only a common criminal,
A disturbing spectacle on a sunny day,
Passed by because we do not want to look;
Forgotten because we do not want to remember.
Your name echoes in the ancient courts of heaven,
But here You are interrupting. We cannot stop.

Confession #26

I stay up too late almost every night.

And I have insomnia.

Not very smart. Morning comes all too quickly.

All the Way My Savior Leads Me

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide?

I know that many times in life, when I ask for something, God withholds it. And He’s allowed me to see that part of the reason He does that may be to redirect the desires of my heart, so I can know what’s truly important. I am so thankful for His grace in showing me that He is really all I need. Sometimes a “no” turns into a far greater blessing than a “yes” would have been.

But because I know this so well, I think sometimes I don’t expect a “yes” at all. I forget that God is still my Father, the one who loves to give good gifts to those who ask Him (Matt. 7:11). I’m so used to relating to God through sadness and difficulty, that I forget He is also the God of joy and comfort.

Yesterday, God reminded me that He is indeed the source of all joy and comfort. Being back in the school environment had brought many of my thoughts of self-doubt and self-hatred and self-consciousness (yes, so much self wrapped up in all of that) back in full force. These are areas I thought I had made progress in, and suddenly they were with me again, and were very unwelcome.

This went on all day, and it was especially heightened right before my Public Speaking class last night. I was so nervous about it and I wanted desperately not to be anxious. Before I left I prayed that God would give me the right circumstances to feel comfortable. When I arrived at class and found that we had to give an impromptu speech that evening, I was even more anxious.

I thought of all the people in the Bible who didn’t think they could speak, and the ways God spoke through them. And I thought of how Jesus told the disciples not to be afraid when they were called to be witnesses for His name, for the Holy Spirit would teach them what to say at just the right moment. If they didn’t have to be afraid in that situation, how much less did I need to be afraid in a situation where the intimidation factor pales in comparison!

It was amazing. As soon as I went up to speak, all of my nervousness faded away, and even as I talked about having dreaded the class and wanting to learn to enjoy it, I was enjoying it. It was just what I had prayed for, and somehow, my faithless heart thinks that Jesus won’t come through for me. I can almost hear Him saying, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14:31).

That little incident was kind of an image of what the whole day was like for me. My feelings of self-focus and fear led me to the Savior’s feet. And that was the best place to be. Not only did He comfort me, but He listened to me, and He answered me. I want to find Him all in all no matter what His answer is next time, but it is such a gift to know that He cares for the small particularities of my life.

The Last First Day of School

First, a quick technical note: my domain name isn’t working. So I’m back to annakristine.wordpress.com for the time being. Sorry for the confusion; I’ll let you know when it’s working again. It will only cause problems if you’re reading in RSS. Otherwise, don’t worry about it.

I have two classes down and one to go for my last first day of school. This morning I had Theology I and Advanced Grammar. I think both of them are going to be really good. This will be the first theology class I’ve ever taken, which is strange because I’ve studied and thought about theology so much on my own. One interesting conundrum has popped up in my head already.

Advanced Grammar is exciting. No, really. I love grammar and I’ve never taken a straight grammar class before. I dislike diagramming and some of those participial problems, but other than that, I’m looking forward to the class.

Tonight is my night class, which meets once a week, and it is *deep breath* Advanced Public Speaking *groan*. I’ve already taken Speech Communication as a freshman requirement. I sort of enjoyed my last speech, but I am so bad at public speaking in general and I get so nervous that I am having to pray for a lack of anxiety about this class. So far I’m not worried about it, but I know that once I get the syllabus and the reality of all this public speaking smacks me in the face, I may experience some more anxiety. I’m just hoping that I’m not assigned a speech right away!

I haven’t been feeling well… what else is new?… so prayer would be appreciated. I wasn’t able to finish unpacking because I had a massive headache for most of the afternoon yesterday, and I was busy all evening. So I’m going to get to work on that now, then run some quick errands and eat dinner before class.

I got a babysitting job already, and that starts next week. Hopefully my work study job will start next week also. The nice thing is that I have every afternoon and evening free this week, so I have plenty of time to get organized, buy books, etc. If I ever get off my blog and start being productive, that is…

Farewell Summer

This was my last true “summer vacation” – as long as I pass all of my classes this year, of course.

It went by so quickly! I know that’s cliche to say, but it really did.

• May I worked and went to Nick and Jamie’s wedding. It never really seems like summer is beginning until
• June anyway. At the beginning I got very sick, and that took me out for at least a week. Then I worked more, enjoyed our cousins’ visit, and got ready for Peru.
• July was all Peru. I got back a week into
• August, worked for two and a half weeks, spent a few days at home getting ready, and now here I am, on August 24th, preparing to leave home again for my senior year of college.

I truly can’t believe where I am. I can’t believe I’m 20, almost 21, and nearly finished with college. I can’t believe that in a year from now, I could be anywhere.

Jesus is so constant. I don’t know what people do without Him. The simple reality of always having my Bible on my nightstand, of having its ancient, piercing, beautiful words there to greet me with every new sunrise – that is something I could never value enough.

Here’s to the end, to the beginning, and to the One who will be right there beside me every step of the way.

Are You Sure?

I reread “Giving Your Heart Away” yesterday after getting another great comment on the entry, so when I was listening to Bethany Dillon tonight, a song of hers struck a chord with that thought process. She has a great little guitar ballad on her new album Waking Up. It’s called “Are You Sure?” and to me, it’s really relevant to the whole idea I talked about in that entry.

Sorry, I’m not one to post song lyrics, but here goes anyway. (I like the last couple of stanzas the best.)

I’ve written you a lot of songs
The kind you write on rainy days
Unrequited love
But now I’m humming a different tune
Just twelve hours ago
I was sitting on a bench with you

I’ve never heard something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I tried to say, I want this to work
And yet take off the weight
If you change your mind, I won’t hurt forever
Because I don’t know what else to do
But I’d do anything to have
Three more hours on a bench with you

Everything within me doesn’t want to risk
Doesn’t want to risk anymore
But if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I’ll risk so much moreI won’t be full of second guesses
So now I’ll just sit
And think about how sweet this is

See what I mean? She talks about how scary it is to risk hurt, to risk giving your heart away, and yet how much she would lose if she didn’t take the risk. There’s courage involved.

It reminds of something I was reading in her journal about her engagement the other day. She wrote,

“I’ve never dated anyone besides Shane, and I totally believe that to be the provision of God in my life… YET… I know lots of people who have dated a bunch before finding their spouse, and it’s just as ordained by Him!”

I don’t know that I would put it quite that way, but I think the sentiment behind what she is saying is very similar to what we all discussed in that entry a few months ago. I was encouraged to find this somewhere else also.

Okay, done with the Bethany Dillon entries for awhile, I promise. I’m a fan, yes, but Nichole Nordeman is actually my all-time favorite. Haha.

Random Can’t Even Begin to Describe It

Anna: Say something funny. 

Kayla: You wanna know a funny thing? A sure-fire laugh-getter? Record people without them knowing it. I tried that, but I didn’t get anything that good. No no no no no. After you record people, cut the tape into clips. Then, by asking the right questions, you can make them say whatever you want ‘em to say!

Krista: Don’t just hork it down!

Mamma: I don’t have anything funny to say. I’m BORING!

Sarah: This is the moment where, in a musical, Kayla jumps up and starts singing about how you just have to be funny.

What Exactly Is a Reformed Charismatic, Anyway?

Through Sovereign Grace and New Attitude, as well as the ministries of Josh Harris and C.J. Mahaney, I’ve become aware of this new (?) title of being a “reformed charismatic.” I understand what being reformed means. I would definitely call myself reformed. And I have a dim understanding of what being charismatic means, mostly in connection with the spiritual gifts and Pentecostalism. But I have to admit that I don’t understand the combination of the two or how that makes a Reformed Charismatic different from someone who’s only reformed, or only charismatic.

What I’ve read so far has convinced me that I really like this category. I have heard preaching connecting doctrine and life from reformed charismatics in ways that I’ve never heard it from anyone else. Their passion for both real doctrine and real life faith amazes me. But I don’t know if there are doctrinal intricacies that I’m overlooking or not understanding.

Any reformed charismatics out there willing to enlighten me a little? Anyone who wouldn’t classify themselves as such but who has a pretty good understanding of what it means?

What to Do Next

I love going back to school. I always have. It’s one of my favorite times of year, the return to studying and schedules and homework. And the return of one of my favorite seasons, autumn (it’s right up there with spring, summer, and winter!). I just love the feel of it, the crispness in the air, the books in my backpack, the challenge of new classes, and the reawakening of academic ambitions.

It’s different this year. I think it’s because I was gone for so much of the summer, and even though it’s been two weeks, I still feel like I just got back from Peru. And I’m not looking forward to some of my classes since they have lots of public speaking and one is actually called Advanced Public Speaking.

But at the same time, I can’t wait to see my friends and be more independent and be done working at the daycare. And it’s so so so strange to think that this could be my last “first day of school” ever! I mean, I’ve been doing this for what, sixteen years now? How strange is it going to be next fall to not be going back to school? I think that would be one nice thing about being a teacher – you get to stay on the school schedule. I love the school schedule.

I’m trying to get myself in gear for it, I guess. I’m not ready for fall yet since I spent a month of the summer in the Peruvian winter. And I definitely haven’t gotten anything done in preparation. I still have to clean my room and my car today just to get them back to normal.

It’s so strange to think that my college career is almost over. I’ve still been thinking about the future a lot, but not worrying about it much at all. This week I got a Desiring God newsletter, and the title was “When You Aren’t Sure What to Do Next: Following the Reliable, Unpredictable Jesus.” It was amazingly relevant. Here are a couple of the quotes that most stood out to me:

“Waiting on Jesus is a common experience for disciples… Jesus wants His disciples to learn to trust His promises in the face of what appears to be uncertain circumstances.”

“In following Jesus there are seasons of bewildering intensity and seasons of bewildering waiting. He does not want us to panic during either. Jesus is in control of both. When you don’t understand Him, trust in His promises. And when you’re not sure what to do next, do the next thing.”

So here is the next thing – finishing up work and preparation, and having a great senior year of college, and trusting Him for what’s next. I’m going to do my best, in His strength.

Earthquake in Peru

By now many of you have probably heard of the earthquake that struck Peru yesterday evening. Most of the damage took place in a region south of Lima. As I write this, the death toll is at 510.

I’m deeply saddened by the tragedy that has struck the country I have grown to love this summer. I pray for those affected by it, especially for the families of those who were killed.

And I am so thankful that it didn’t take place in the highly populated city of Lima. I have talked to a couple of my friends in Lima, and they are all right. Some buildings did collapse in the center of the city, but there was minimal damage compared to the southern region, and only one death has been reported.

It is so strange to think that I was walking those streets two short weeks ago. There was a small earthquake in Lima while we were in Cusco, but it was more of a tremor than anything else. Every public building we visited had a “zona segura in case of earthquake” sign – or two – but I didn’t really think about it much. I was busy being anxious about other things. There is truly no limit to the things on earth to worry about. How grateful I am for a sovereign God.