I’m single, and I wouldn’t erase my past. I don’t have much of one, but the past I do have when dating is concerned has nothing but mistakes.

With the possible exception of one girl that I took on one date in high school. Although even that one girl had we went any further than one date I might have became an influence on her life, and in the state I was in at that age it would have hurt her far more than it could have helped her.

If given the choices you list I would stick with the past I have. It’s not good, but I’ve learned from it. I would rather keep the learning and not have to repeat the mistakes.

I think you are better off where you are. Seeing as you have made it to your senior year in college having never dated I would think that you have standards you are looking for in a man. That is one important lesson many never learn. You aren’t accepting what’s around you, but are instead waiting for what’s right. That’s the best way to do it.

You said there is no quantitative way to compare. I think there is.

You were given a heart, one whole heart. Choosing to date usually means giving pieces of your heart away to the person you are dating.

Let’s say you are “in love” with your first serious boyfriend, as so many young people think they are, so you trust him with a lot. You give him, let’s say 20% of your heart. He breaks it. You now have .8 of a heart left.

How much would you trust the next guy with? You wouldn’t dare give him all of what’s left, who knows how much damage you might take. So you don’t trust the guy as much and you never develop as good of a relationship as you had with the last guy. The two of you break up.

How much is left?

Every time you give a guy a piece of your heart it’s just another little bit that you can’t give to your husband.

Another way I’ve heard things expressed is a story about a man and his soon to be wife on their wedding night. The man vows his heart to the woman, and she vows hers to his, but then 3 other women come up and hold onto the guys hand. The woman upset, and rightly so, demands an explanation. The only explanation he has is that these are women he had already given a piece of his heart to. He can’t get that back, so it will continue on into their marriage.

If you care to reply please let me know on my xanga: http://www.xanga.com/fiasco1

God Bless,
Tom

Hmmm… good question. I guess I don’t really have an answer since I’m like you, never dated. I never even really had a crush on a guy. I know I’m glad that I’ve made the decsion not to date. I know it has helped me avoid giving away pieces of my heart like the previous commenter said. I recognize where he got that from, “I kissed dating goodbye”. Thats a good book. btw while I’m mentioning books, I would highly recommend “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Lesie Ludy. Its one of the books that has helped encourage me in my high standards.

I’m single now. I was in a relationship almost three years ago that ended because I got fed up with how the guy was treating me. He started off making me believe we had everything in common. Slowly the truth came out, and I realized we had nothing in common. I struggled for a year with wondering what the purpose of the whole mess was.

But now, looking back, I am glad I went through it for one main reason: it wiped away my naive notions about relationships and grew me up. It also showed me how I had placed far too much value on actually getting married. I learned that I would rather be single for LIFE than marry the WRONG person.

First, to answer your question, I’ll simply say that while I have dated, made mistakes, and had regrets, I’ve also had amazing experiences that led to a more deeper knowledge of myself and the kind of man God wants for me. I would not erase my past, though part of me wishes that I didn’t have a past to erase.

Secondly, I would like to address the “pieces of your heart” theory–I don’t completely agree with that idea. I may have shared my heart with another person (and on a different note entirely, don’t we do that with family and friends–isn’t that what the emotional heart is for?), but it is not in pieces. It is not less of a heart for having done so. It may be made up of scar tissue, stronger than the delicate original, changed in color and texture perhaps, but it will never be ruined or gone entirely.

It is impossible to be human and to keep our hearts whole. We see a puppy on the street, and our hearts go out to it. We lose a relative or close friend suddenly, and our hearts go with them. Yet our hearts remain intact, though altered. I think it’s the same in relationships: you become close with someone emotionally, and they change you. Whether you marry them in the end or not, sharing that much of yourself changes you. How can it not? But the mistake lies in thinking that it’s wrong–that relationship success is measured in how untouched and brand-new our hearts are.

I cannot say whether I would choose to entirely erase my past. But I would not change the shape my heart is in today. People have touched my heart, changed it, left their different marks; but it is still my entire heart, shaped by the world–by my life until now. The heart I have is the heart that I will give to my husband. In it, he will see the life I had without him, as well as the marks God has made.

Purity is not measured in the unaltered heart. To love means to use your heart as it was meant to be used: to mirror Jesus’ mangled heart as he loved others and was rejected or discarded, or loved in return. Physical purity is one thing; emotional purity is close to impossible, and regrettable if you achieve it.

I may choose to erase some parts of my relationship past, but never the times when I shared my heart with someone else.

First off, thank you for asking this question. I think it’s something everyone thinks about but no one really wants to face. Let me tell you a bit about myself, then ask a question of my own.

I am 18 years old, been home schooled and brought up by conservative Christian parents my entire life, and am now graduating. I will begin working for my dad in his home-based business this summer and, God willing, will continue to do so until the time comes for me to get married. That said, you may be able to guess that I have never had a relationship with any guy beyond that of friendship and have always had a strong desire in my heart for purity both in the physical and emotional realm. Yes, I have shared some of my deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with my close guy friends, but this has not been during any sort of relationship, so I have never received a broken heart or crushed emotions. I have never broken a friendship with someone, much less a close or dating relationship. Because of my choices, God has kept me from a lot of hurt.

Not to say I’m perfect. I often find myself wishing for the time that I’ll be married, but I also realize that I’m far from being ready for my life to change in such a way. I pray that I’ll be ready in God’s good time. As for now, however, I can honestly say that I have no regrets, that I am pure and innocent of many, many things, and that my heart belongs to God and has never been loaned of given, even in part, to any guy. I don’t regret this in any way. Dating or guy/girl relationships has never been a desire for me.

Here’s my struggle. What if God asks me to give my heart to someone who’s heart has been broken? What if the man God has for me is not pure, or rather, has not been pure in the past but has now been purified by Christ’s blood? Could I accept him and love him even though his heart has been scared, even maimed beyond recognition? Of course, I would not marry him if he was still living in sin, but could I give my life to a changed man, knowing that he had not kept himself pure for me from the beginning, even if he has been made pure now? What if God asked me to give my love to him, even after all my effort and struggles to keep myself pure for my knight in shining armor? Could I love him the same as I could someone who had kept himself for me? Or would I refuse him?

That’s something God’s put on my heart for many years now. I’ve kept myself pure, but could I still love someone who had not done the same for me? I’ve thought on this and prayed on it and have come to this conclusion: Yes, and even more so. God is the one who makes us pure. I could never dream of calling myself pure in my own strength. God is the one who has washed me clean with His redeeming blood. He can do the same for anyone, no matter how many times their heart has been broken or how many impure things they’ve done in their life. If they have truly repented and turned to Jesus Christ for forgiveness, then they are washed just as white and clean as I am. God alone makes a man pure. It’s what’s in the heart. The past doesn’t matter. The present and future does.

That said, however, it doesn’t mean it would be easy to have a relationship with someone who has such scares. God can heal, forgive, and forget, but we humans are incapable of forgetting past sins. That person would always live with the scars and haunting memories of who he had been and what he had done. It would be a struggle at times, but that would not change the fact that he has been made pure and is forgiven by God. Maybe God is not challenging you in this area, but He’s challenged me in it, so I thought I’d raise the question to anyone reading this comment. Think about it, pray about it. What is God saying to your heart? Are you willing to trust God and accept and love the man He puts in your life, even if he is not the man you expect?

In case you were wondering, I am a friend of Rachel from His_little_lamb on xanga, and I came to your site after seeing your comment to her. =D May God abundantly bless you this coming week!

~Grace

I agree with steph. you know me. I’ve never dated, but I’m tired of people talking about pieces of their hearts being given away.

God’s redeeming love means I’m not gonna be giving half of my heart to my husband.

I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot lately because of my friend’s wedding. It is about a life together and it is an extremely important commitment. I’m sure you know this. I mourn over how much it is not a very big deal to so many now.

I’ve had that said to me, by the way, that I’m better off the way I am. Now if I was like that one girl who said she has never really had a crush (how do you do that?!) then maybe, but I still feel I’ve hurt myself with my emotions and blah…. of course maybe when I’m older and have had a broken relationship (Which I do not want!) then I would say, ah naive little girl, you didn’t know what you were talking about…)

Now, THIS is interesting. Lovely post! I love it.

Good question that, I am sure, can and will have a pretty wide range of answers. I am currently single (as I often am…) and while the relationships that I have had included many problems that were difficult to deal with, I don’t think I would ever ignore them or wish they hadn’t happened. (I would highly recommend seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind if you haven’t already.)

Relationships of any form should always be sought after, if they happen to become the romantic sort, that is wonderful. The problem is that the fall has tainted everything so nothing will be perfect with disappointment and pain as a possible result. But like with anything in this world, we should not run from it just because there is the possibility, even inevitability, of pain.

Of course being single is just fine too, Paul and Jesus can both attest to that.

And if I may respond to Tom, I would have to say that he is wrong (at least in some ways). The heart isn’t something that can be used up. You cannot give a piece away to one person and then have less to give to another person. (…if he truly is talking about give your heart and loving someone, I disagree.) Of course this is not to say that when we give our heart to someone, when we love them, that we cannot be hurt and, indeed, have our heart broken. That in no way means it cannot be fixed, mended, repaired and allowed to fully love again.
We are called to love people, regardless of our relationship status, with our entire heart.

Hi…I’ve only had one boyfriend, but that was a several-year relationship, and I have been interested in various people over the years. I think I would be nice if I had not dated my ex-boyfriend, because I do not believe it was the right thing to do. However, I’m completely over him now. If it were possible, I think it would be cool to only really really like the ‘right one,’ but right now I really really like a good guy friend of mine, and have invested my heart into him. The problem (or unfelt blessing) is that he doesn’t view me in the same way. It’s QUITE hard liking someone who doesn’t feel the same way back. If he’s not the right one I’ll probably at least regret my degree of heart investment.