Giving Your Heart Away

It’s long… you’ve been forewarned.  

I’ve really enjoyed reading all the comments and discussion in response to my last entry, “Question for Singles.” It gave me a lot of food for thought, and encouragement as well. Out of all the issues discussed, one surfaced that I think merits further discussion. It is the concept of “giving your heart away.”

Let me explain this as best as I can understand it. This is a concept that I have been familiar with since high school, and I have gone from embracing it wholeheartedly to questioning it. The idea is that with each dating/courting relationship, and even each crush, that you allow yourself to become involved with, you are giving a piece of your heart away to that person. The danger is that you will, metaphorically speaking of course, give so many pieces of your heart away that when you finally get married you will have nothing left for your spouse. And this, we are told, is the reason we should exercise discernment and caution in dating relationships.

Now, I agree with certain aspects of this theory:

1. Discernment and caution are extremely important in dating relationships.
2. It is possible to connect physically and/or emotionally with someone in a way that can leave scars and regrets.
3. Being involved in too many serious relationships is a bad idea.
4. Each person you become emotionally involved with will leave his or her mark on your heart.
5. Many dating relationships today are characterized by emotional intimacy that is too much, too soon.

So on the surface, this idea does seem to have merit, and I think the intention behind it is good and solid. But these are the two problems I have with it:

1. This kind of approach seems to demand “a perfect score” in dating – that you should only become emotionally attached to one person, your future spouse. It can place guilt on a failed relationship that may have failed for all the right reasons – because two godly people decided that they could not honor God well in that relationship. It places pressure on people to wait for someone perfect, and perhaps even to stay in a wrong relationship because they are so afraid of failing. It places blame on non-sinful emotional connections. This is just not realistic in so many ways. Emotional purity does not necessarily mean that your emotions are a blank slate and that you have never loved (in a romantic sense).
2. This kind of approach can deemphasize the power of the gospel - yes, you read that right. First, a disclaimer: I am not saying that everyone who believes in the “pieces of your heart” theory is trying to downplay the power of the gospel. I just think that this theory tends in a harmful direction. I first heard this concept addressed by Lauren Winner, and since then I have come to fully agree with her. Why do we behave as though this area of life is the only one that Jesus can’t restore and renew? Why do we say that the heart will be forever scarred and broken if we give pieces away before we’re ready? Jesus is the mender of broken hearts. That is why He came. If we say that you’re giving pieces of your heart away to everyone you date, we’re saying that you’re doing permanent damage, that Jesus is not powerful enough to make all things new again. And as Lauren Winner said, we’re afraid of saying anything else because we don’t want people to think, “Oh, well, Jesus will forgive me. I can date as many people as I want with no repercussions.” But that’s not what the gospel is about, is it? It’s not a license to live without discernment and wisdom – it’s freely offered grace, in this area of life as in every other.

In conclusion, I think that dating relationships should always be approached with caution, prayer, and wisdom – but not with fear and anxiety about making a mistake and scarring your heart irreparably.

If you’ve made it this far (or even if not , thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts, and I would honestly love to hear your responses. Please let me know if I’ve explained something wrong or if I’m interpreting things wrong. Thanks to each and every one of you who commented and raised the issues last time. More debate is welcomed!

Question for Singles

If you’re single right now (or you remember what it was like!) would you rather…

• erase your dating/relationship history (if any exists) and not have to deal with the pain of breakups? or
• accept your past history for what it is, in spite of any regrets you may have over the failure of past relationships?

The reason I’m asking this is because I’m often told that I’m better off the way I am, never having dated and being single, than to try to deal with being single after one or more breakups. And while I know there’s no quantitative way to compare the two situations, I’m interested to hear others’ thoughts.

The Glory of a Long Weekend

On Friday evening, Monday morning always looms ominously to shadow the pleasure and freedom of having two days off.

On Memorial Day weekend, Tuesday morning seems distant, almost unreal. The three-day weekend stretches ahead into unseen bliss.

I’m overstating my case… maybe. Suffice it to say that I am so glad the weekend is here!

In other news, you may have noticed that my book list (“In the Queue” in the “Reading” section) has ballooned lately. I added some Christian fiction I’ve been wanting to catch up with. I’m selective about which Christian fiction I read. I don’t like to read the light, fluffy, meaningless stuff. I’m not really into romance unless it’s worked artfully into a bigger plot. I like to read books that are literature – well-written and thought-out, Christian or not. But anyway, I am devouring books lately now that I’m off my steady diet of homework and textbooks.

Today at work, I finished Grace at Low Tide. I was reading it during naptime in the toddler room. At 2:00, I had to go upstairs to the preschool room, where they were finishing up their naps. A couple kids were awake, and I sat waiting for the head teacher to wake everyone up, so I was finishing the last few pages of the book meanwhile. When I finished it, I closed it with that little sigh of satisfaction that comes with the end of a book, and the little five-year-old guy on his cot nearby smiled and said, “Ya finished it.” I had to laugh.

John Piper on College (Part 2)

Here’s Part 1.

After addressing why he thinks college is important, Piper goes on to outline four mistakes for young people (more specifically, college students) to avoid. My comments are in italics.

“Mistake #1: Big is better than small. God uses little David-like people to accomplish huge Goliath-like things because He is jealous to get the credit. Don’t worry about big. Worry about faithful.”

I love this. Sometimes I see in young people a misplaced passion and idealism for doing big, radical things for God. While dreaming big is wonderful, and being radical for God is what we need, we should realize that being a janitor can be just as much of a ministry as being a missionary in Africa. It’s all about the heart.

“Mistake #2: New is better than old. Read old books. You need the wisdom of the ages to combat the folly of the present.”

I always wonder how young people who know so little about the past can hope to understand today’s culture.

“Mistake #3: Having is better than being. There’s no correlation between the fullness of life and the muchness of having.”

Something to be remembered daily.

“Mistake #4: Visible is better than invisible. The most important things are not visible. God is invisible and He is the greatest reality of all. If you structure your life around sight, it will be out of touch with reality. Do not be much interested in outward appearance. Be interested in inner realities.”

And the conclusion… I love it.

“If God is God – and He is – small with Him is better than big with anybody. His old things are better than anybody’s new things. Being His child is better than having the world. And better to be blind with the invisible God than to see everything without Him.”

True Beauty (Part 2)

(Read Part 1 here)

The world would not think to call her beautiful. In the picture in Voice of the Martyrs (Special Issue 2006), Mumtaz Bibi is sitting in a drab house with cement walls, surrounded by three children. She’s wearing a white head covering and a dress with a nondescript floral print. Her hair is faded and unkempt; her face is bare of makeup and worn from years of hard work. Moreover, her leg bears ugly scars and stitching, and there is a metal rod inserted into it.

Yet after hearing her story, I can hardly think of a woman I know who is more beautiful than Mumtaz. She and her family are part of a tiny minority of Christians in Pakistan. For years, she was employed at a brick kiln where her boss was a Christian. But when he sold the kiln, the workers were transferred, and their new boss, a Muslim, would not allow the Christians to have prayer services or go to church.

In spite of these rules, Mumtaz continued attending church. This touched me: “She is illiterate and cannot read the Bible, yet she and her family memorize the pastor’s sermons and try to practice his teachings in their daily walk.” I’ve barely even opened my Bible since the summer started (that’s not normal for me, but it happens once in awhile, and it shouldn’t!), and here is this woman who can’t even read and memorizes sermons to learn about her faith.

Mumtaz’s boss continued to threaten the Christians, but Mumtaz and her family continued to attend church. Eventually, the boss’s son burst into the Bibis’ home and beat Mumtaz with a stick, so hard that her left leg broke, and so did her nose. She was unconscious for three days. “Because she lacked money to undergo therapy and additional medical treatment, she could not walk and was bedridden for more than one year. During that time, her husband carried her wherever she went. Additional financial strain was placed on the family because Mumtaz was not able to work. She lacked money to purchase pain killers. She often suffered intense leg pain in the middle of the night, and her sobbing would awaken the children.”

The good news is that Voice of the Martyrs was able to intervene and provide Mumtaz with medical care, surgeries, and prayer and encouragement – and they were able to share her story with the church (meaning the worldwide church).

That’s beauty. A love of Christ so deep, a thirst for knowledge of Him so rare, that you would risk your life to obtain it.

Drifting

This is a quote I posted on my Xanga awhile ago. I ran into it again somewhere, and it’s so good I thought I’d post it here. We deceive ourselves in so many ways, don’t we?

“People do not drift toward holiness.
Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord.
We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance;
we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom;
we drift toward superstition and call it faith.
We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation;
we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism;
we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.”

D.A. Carson

John Piper on College (Part 1)

College students: Ever get the question, “Why are you in college?” 

This is why.

“We’re in school to see a whole panorama of life that comes out in all manifestations of disciplines in the hope that all these beams of light refracted in human minds will lead us to the source of all things so that we know Him better.”

I feel like we should add that to the admissions catalog… wow.

I’m an Official Fan

…of Melinda Doolittle, that is.

Yes, I admit it. I’m an American Idol junkie now. Two years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea. I always looked down on network television. Perhaps I was a bit of a snob? Or perhaps I’m overstating my case for dramatic effect.

Anyway… I haven’t seen every episode this season; I missed most of the middle ones. But I’ve watched the past few weeks, and I’ve been vacillating between Jordin and Melinda. (I like Blake, but I don’t think he should win.) Today’s episode, though, clinched it for me – I want Melinda to win. She is a stunning vocalist – and a total sweetheart, to boot.

Vote for Melinda!

1-866-IDOLS
03, 06, or 09

I can’t believe I’m doing this…

A Peek into the Past

These are a few miscellaneous diary entries from women over the past two centuries. I always love seeing how writing and perspectives have changed. These aren’t long enough to be anything other than a little amusing, though.

June 16, 1806: “Pleasant morning total Eclipse of the Sun & the stars twinkled at noonday wonderful are the changes of nature but more astonishing the wonders of redeeming Love.”

April 27, 1861: “The weather being so bad, we were disappointed in our ride. On my way home dropped my bundle, & as I was riding alone on horseback had to get down & pick it up, as I had refused to let any one go home with me for fear of troubling some one. After remounting my horse shyed, & on looking saw a very large snake, just going to the field. Got home safe. It soon after poured down rain.”

July 2, 1907: “I think I am about the laziest person alive! All I have the gumption to do is to sit and dream of what I would do if I tried and what I am going to do. I think I have the brains to be rather smart if I only stick to it. Here I have wasted two weeks of my holidays doing nothing when I could have been practicing music or sewing. Hope I will improve.”

True Beauty (Part 1)

One of my passions is helping girls and young women see where true beauty lies. Since this is something I have struggled with (and still do struggle with) myself, I want to spread the message that your personal worth is about so much more than your appearance.

This is my favorite “true beauty” Scripture:

“Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Real beauty is…

• Hidden. It’s not something you put on parade. It’s not something the crowd around you can always see. It’s the adornment of a humble heart who trusts that God’s approval is all she needs.
• Imperishable. Our culture is obsessed with finding ways to prevent aging, to prevent the loss of youthful beauty. But this precious beauty of the heart will never fade or grow old. Rather, it grows more lovely with age.
• Very precious in God’s sight. What more could we ask for? Cultivating this inward quietness and gentleness – this calm, strong trust and peace in the Lord – is precious to our Heavenly Father. He values it more than any human could value our outward appearance.

The purpose of this post was to introduce a mini-series of posts about true beauty. Each time, I’ll feature a woman who I believe exemplifies this kind of beauty. We need those kinds of examples in a sea of cultural emphasis on physical beauty. So stay tuned for more in the upcoming days and weeks!